I never thought that peace and calm would ever come, not in a million years. Perhaps it has been a result of an intense, inner spiritual journey that I find myself on and for some reason does not seem appropriate to share on this blog. This journey has led to an acceptance and reconciliation of Josh's actions and our profound loss. My regret now is that I had not found this path while he was alive - would it have helped me to be more in tune with him? More connected? More able to prevent this tragedy? I don't know.
A voice inside (and I believe it to be Josh) says you did the best you could and it is not your fault. I still have a hard time accepting this; I still believe that as a mother, I should've known and prevented his death. In typing these words, I realize there is still more inner work to be done, that I have not fully forgiven myself, that I still hold myself responsible.
Yesterday, I had nothing to write.
This morning, I woke up with memories of Josh as a Patriot's fan - see below. Maybe because it is the 18th which signals the passing of another month and tonight, the Patriots are playing.
Halloween 2002 - Josh is 10 and is being painted as a Patriot's fan by Lauren
Christmas 2003 - Josh (11 years) sporting his Patriot's cap
Christmas 2004 - the boys wearing their new Patriot's jersey's and caps. I have Josh's Bruschi 54 jersey now.
Christmas 2005 - Josh (13 years) holding up a Patriot's rug
Christmas 2008 - our last with Josh (16 years) with his new Seymour jersey
RIP Josh. Fall and football always reminds us of you.