May 18, 2014: 5 Years and 2 Months Later - More Signs?

We have an awning in the back of the house that provides nice shade over our patio.  Last week Monday was one of the first hot days of the year (low 80's).   There is a short in the line so extending the awning needs to be done via a manual crank, but can be retracted by a switch.  So the awning was cranked out while Lauren and friends came over to enjoy the pool.

After the kids had left, I retracted the awning.  I also checked to see if the switch would open it - no go.

Two mornings later, Tim came upstairs with these words, "I've got a strange one for you."  It turns out that when he went to put the dogs out in the backyard for their morning "business", you guessed it, the awning was open!   My immediate thought, "It was Josh."  I told Tim that in my reading, I've learned that souls "over there" can manipulate electricity in this world.

Another sign occurred on Sunday when we were traveling back from Tim's niece's college graduation.  She was born about 2 months after Josh so if he were here, we would've been attending his graduation instead.  While in a line for gas, Tim said that the high beams turned on by itself!

Two signs from Josh?  I believe so.

Josh,
Thanks for letting us know you are still with us.
RIP - we love you.

Mom

6th Mother's Day - Song: I Turn To You

Holidays for me are now measured in relation to Josh's passing.  Instead of this being my 29th Mother's Day, I mark it as the 6th, sans Josh.  Tim and the kids work extra hard to make sure this day is special; I even received a recording of Gillian singing this song to me with sweet thoughts at the end - like an audio card.  I think she would be embarrassed if I posted her cover of the song so you can click here to listen to the original artist.

I Turn To You 

by Christina Aguilera

When I'm lost in the rain,

In your eyes I know I'll find the light,

To light my way.

When I'm scared and losing ground,

when my world is going crazy,

You can turn it all around.

And when I'm down,

you're there pushing me to the top.

You're always there 

giving me all you've got.

For a shield from the storm,

For a friend, 

For a love to keep me safe and warm,

I turn to you.

For the strength to be strong,

For the will to carry on.

For everything you do,

For everything that's true

I turn to you.

When I lose the will to win,

I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again.

I can do anything, 

'cause your love is so amazing,

'cause your love inspires me.

And when I need a friend,

you're always on my side.

Giving me faith taking me through the night.

For a shield from the storm,

For a friend, 

For a love to keep me safe and warm,

I turn to you.

For the strength to be strong,

For the will to carry on,

For everything you do,

I turn to you.

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain,

For truth that will never change,

For someone to lean on.

For a heart I can rely on through anything.

For the one who I can run to 

I turn to you.

For a shield from the storm,

For a friend, 

For a love to keep me safe and warm,

I turn to you.

For the strength to be strong,

For the will to carry on,

For everything you do,

For everything that's true

I turn to you.

Happy Mother's Day Mom. I still turn to you...whenever I have a problem...whenever I need a friend.  I'm so thankful and lucky to have you as my mom.  I love you. 

Of course, listening to the song made me cry but not because of how touched I was to have this dedicated to me but because of Josh - how I was not this way for him and because of that he is gone.  I've come a realize a very painful truth recently and that is, while I have 100% forgiven Josh for his action, I have not forgiven myself.

Any my feelings go deeper - I do not even feel forgiveness is deserved and as I peer into the future, I cannot imagine a time when this would be true.

I know this feeling is irrational and untrue but it is deep, strong and powerful.  So I know there is more healing to be done within my heart.

RIP Josh - my biggest regret is that I was not a better mom to you.

Love,
Mom

Gillian sings "Make You Feel My Love" to Josh with slideshow

Gillian made a slideshow of pictures that chronicle the special relationship she had with Josh.  They were only 19 months apart and were inseparable when young.  Their closeness remained through the years.  She posted it as a YouTube video and sang Adele's Make You Feel My Love to him. Warning - you may need tissues!

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain the blowing in your face,

and the whole world is on your case.

I could offer you a warm embrace

to make you feel my love.

When evening shadows and the stars appear

and there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years,

to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

but I would never do your wrong.

I know that from the moment that we met

no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I go hungry;  I go black and blue

I go crawling down the avenue.

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea

and on the highway of regret.

The winds of change are blowing wild and free,

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do.

Go to the ends of the Earth for you

to make you feel my love

To make you feel my love.