April 18,2015: Six Years and One Month Later

We are now in our 7th year sans Josh. His absence is in the fabric of our lives, felt every day.

Today I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to get my hair cut. I told the receptionist to give me anyone who was available. When I walked in, a tall young girl met me. After chatting the usual, "how did I want my hair done?"etc., I sat down at her station and she asked about my T-shirt.

On the 18th of every month, it is my practice to wear a Josh shirt.  Today, I wore the black one that Gillian designed within a few months of his passing.

It turns out, she went to high school with Josh! And while she did not know him personally, she knew of him. After saying I was his mother, the compassion just poured out.

In my weekly letter to him, this is what I wrote:

She said you were a well-like boy and rattled off all the reasons why someone like you would NOT take his life: popular, good student, had everything going for him. And as I sit and write, it begs the question - the unanswerable question - of "why?"  

Why did you take THE route of no return? And as I look at your pictures, you were...are....a special soul, one that others do not forget. Why deprive the world of your light?  

I don't know...you probably don't know..... 

Of all days, it was an unexpected blessing to meet someone who remembered Josh. I take it as another sign that he still lives.  

RIP beloved son

Remembering Josh - T shirts, Chimes and Monthly Fundraiser

What helps me these days as I try to cope with the indescribable pain and sorrow associated with losing our Josh? Simple - it is the knowledge that he is being remembered by all of you. This means more to me than you can know. My spirits have been lifted by recent examples such as these....

• When I hear a story, memory or dream about our son.
• When I hear that a football teammate is not only wearing Josh's number this season (33), but has also put his initials (JA) on new football gloves.
• When plans are moving forward to plant a tree on the McLean Youth football field, in memory of Josh, who played since he was eight years old. I still love the name of this age group - "Ankle Biters".
• When I hear that some of his closest friends have his pictures in their homes or in their rooms.
• When I hear that you still visit the blog and it helps you in your own "grief journey".
• When you tell me that knowing the circumstances around Josh's tragic death has caused you to think about your family and perhaps make some changes that may save your children, or at least, strengthen the relationship.
• When you say that now, over five months later, you still think about and miss our Josh.

The title of this post and the following pictures are other ways that encourage me. Our daughter, Gillian, designed a T-shirt soon after Josh's passing. I have provided the link, in case you would like to order shirts, as some of his football teammates have recently done. Whenever I see someone wearing this shirt, my heart catches. It is a reminder of our loss, but also a way to commemorate his brief but beautiful life.

http://www.customink.com/designs/rememberj/12758413-2583889/retrieve

A couple of new wind chimes were recently placed on "Josh's tree" - close to his grave site. We appreciate these gifts - bought specifically for him by his friends.



On the 18th of each month, there is a fundraiser at the Buffalo Wings Factory in Reston. As the day approaches, it is a painful reminder of another month without Josh. September 18th will be six months or half a year since he died. It is amazing and sometimes frightening how quickly the time passes. It definitely helps to be with others on these anniversary days. I appreciate those who came out in August. Below are some photos from that night.




We appreciate the continued love and support from our family and friends. Speaking for Tim and each of our surviving children, we could not handle this loss without you.

God Bless.

Sadder Than Ever, Five Months Later - August 18, 2009

Is it even possible? To feel more pain, anguish and sorrow than when our dear seventeen year old boy died five months ago? I would have thought “no”, but unfortunately, it is so. The ache has intensified and the grief has not abated; it is still overwhelming in its force.

Why? Maybe it is because our two girls will be leaving home soon - one to start a new job in Atlanta, and one to go back to college. Maybe I fear Josh’s absence, overlooked while the girls are home, will be more than I can bear.

Maybe it is because football practice has begun and I fantasize what should be. Josh coming home, hot and sweaty, taking a refreshing dip in the pool and passing out on the couch. I can close my eyes, visualize him and in doing so, my heart breaks even more.

Maybe it is because the days in August are quickly passing followed by a new school year. Josh should be a senior – big man on campus. Leader on the football team. Enjoying the present, while looking to the future. But it will not be.

With this example, it has dawned on me that Josh experiences loss as well – and this knowledge adds to my grief. We saw the new Harry Potter movie while on vacation – he would’ve enjoyed it. We went horseback riding and I could envision his smile/smirk at this new experience. Laughing at the horses as they raised their tails and pooped at will. Trying to determine, as all the men were, how to be less uncomfortable while trotting.

Has Josh ever skied? I don’t think so. Will ever experience college life? No. Have the chance to find his “soul mate” and marry? No. Ever know the joys of fatherhood? No, no and no. No new songs, books, video games, or experiences – ever. What a waste. What a loss. Why didn’t he think about these things before taking the steps to end his life? Maybe they would’ve pulled him back from the brink and he’d still be with us today.

After five months, why isn't it any easier? Maybe it is because the horrible reality of our “new” lives, without the existence and being of our beloved Josh, is sinking in. Is this really it? Did it really happen? Is he gone from our lives forever? I can’t stand the thought and want to scream and shout, “NO, IT’S NOT TRUE!”

Maybe it is because of a long letter received from a dear college friend. I should have waited to the end of the day to read it. Her empathy and condolences as a fellow mother made me cry. She also shared that her twenty-two year old daughter was no stranger to suicide as one of her best friends in high school took his life, and a girlfriend in college died by her own hand. More tears flowed, thinking about these two young lives, our son and three other young men I’ve heard of, who took their lives this year between January and April.
Why are young people doing this to themselves? What makes suicide a viable option? How can their minds allow for this permanent self-destruction? Why didn’t they open up with their true thoughts and feelings – to receive the critical help needed?

Has the media (TV, movies, books, video games) de-sensitized our young people to the horrors of death and its resulting wake of despair and sorrow for those left behind? Has this made it easier for them to walk towards and embrace death? I don’t know.

It is hard for Tim as well. Since Josh was a linebacker, Tim would watch football games on TV, focusing on that position in hopes of catching a great play, which he would then show and discuss with Josh. The first preseason Patriots game was on the other night, and Tim cannot watch the linebackers anymore.

Since he is a real estate agent, Tim spends quite a bit of time alone on the road. “Josh’s death,” he says, “is always right here”, holding up a hand in front of his face. Last week, he was driving around in Herndon/Sterling, on the same roads that he and Josh traveled while doing errands - just a few days before his death. It is so hard when something as insignificant as driving down a road can bring up bitter memories.

Unfortunately, it does not seem that grief follows a linear progression where one goes from stage to stage – on the way to recovery. No, for me, the grief process is more circular where the stages follow one another, round and round, and sometimes out of sequence. For how long, I do not know. Some of Josh's friends tell me that when they think of him, it is the happier memories that occupy their minds. Not me. When I think of Josh, it is still so hard, so painful, so sad and depressing. I don't know how long this circular voyage of grief will last - I only hope that at some point, the slope is upward, leading eventually to acceptance and peace.

Poignant writing from Nicholas Wolterstorff whose book, “Lament For A Son” was written in honor of his twenty-five year old son, who died in a mountain climbing accident.

Nothing fills the void of his (Josh’s) absence. He’s not replaceable. We can’t go out and get another just like him (32).

My son is gone. Only a hole remains, a void, a gap, never to be filled (33).

Something is over. In the deepest levels of my existence something is finished, done. My life is divided into before and after (46).

So it is with all memories of him. They all lead into that blackness. It's all over, over, over. All I can do is remember him. I can't experience him. The person whom these memories are attached is no longer here with me, standing up. He's only in my memory now, not in my life. Nothing new can happen between us. Everything is sealed tight, shut in the past. I'm still here. I have to go on. I have to start over. But this new start is so different from the first. Then I wasn't carrying this load, this thing that is over (47).

Perhaps what's over is happiness as the fundamental tone of my existence. Now sorrow is that (47).

I end this post with a photo of all of the family on Tim's side, wearing our "Josh" shirts, in memory of him.


Josh - we love and miss you with all of our hearts. Rest in peace, our dear beloved son.

God Bless.

June 3, 2009 - 11 weeks

I have always been a reader, in fact my favorite time of the day is at the very end, when all chores are finished and a good book is waiting on my end table. Some people watch TV before bed or drift off while listening to music. For me, no matter how tired I am, I must read something in order to fall asleep.

I learn by reading as well. Therefore, as one would expect, once the shock began to wear off, I began looking for books to read. Books that would help me understand how Josh could do this and books that could help my family and I survive.

The resources on the Internet are amazing. Through two web sites, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and the American Association of Suicidology, I have found lists of over 100 books that deal with this tragedy.

Many are books for survivors with titles such as "After Suicide Loss: Coping With Your Grief" or "Silent Grief: Living in the Wake Of Suicide". Other books are written for those who are trying to understand how someone could get to this point with titles like "The Suicidal Mind" or "Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide".

A few weeks ago, I went on-line and ordered 11 books. I have only read one so far. I find it hard to read during the early evening hours as there is always so much to do. So the only time I open up a book is before bed. As you can imagine, it is hard to read these types of books before sleeping.

Although, any type of book could be difficult, as I found out last night. I have been reading an engrossing tale of two women who became best friends in HS and have stayed close all through their adult years. Long story short, there is a major breach of trust, they don't talk for several years and one of them now has cancer and it is terminal.

As my kids can attest, I cry pretty easily - with all types of media. A book, a song, a touching article in the newspaper or magazine. In fact, my family were a bit embarrassed when I cried in the theatre during the Lion King. Tears have also appeared while watching TV - once such instance happened when Josh and I were watching something and a short preview came on for the movie, John Q. I started sniffling; he just looked at me, shook his head slightly and smirked. Shortly after we were married, Tim and I saw Terms of Endearment. To this day, he calls it Tears of Endearment because I cried for an hour after we came home. I don't know where this comes from as in general, I am not an overly emotional person. Maybe from my mother, as she cries easily while watching movies too.

This book made me cry, and cry and cry. Then I thought about Josh and couldn't stop. When someone is ill and is dying, at least their loved ones have some time to be with them before the end. With Josh, it was so sudden. One day, he was there and everything was "normal" and then he was gone. No good-bye, no last words, no nothing.

How could this have happened to us? Why? What could we have done? What didn't we do? Why did it have to end this way? Why didn't we know? What did we do wrong? These questions kept circling around and around in my head for quite a while. I know there are no answers but the questions still linger.

I have to confess that it is very difficult to go to his grave site now. The days are pretty busy and although I never forget what has happened, it is not always in the fore front of my mind. But when I go and see the cold, hard stone that has his full name, Joshua Lee Anderson and his date of birth, Jan. 16, 1992 and the date of his death, March 18, 2009 - the reality and all of its horrors and implications hits me anew. It is so sad to stand there and think of what he would be doing now if he were alive.

Sometime I take a walk around and look at the items that other families have put in trees that are near their loved ones. During one such walk, there was a "Happy 16th Birthday" balloon that was tied to a grave stone vase. Sure enough, when you look at the dates on the stone, this young person would've been 16 years old. Then I think of myself buying a "Happy 18th Birthday" balloon next January, coming to the cemetery and placing it on Josh's grave site. This image is almost more than I can bear, but it is now our reality. I honestly do not know how I will be able to cope when the time comes - only by the grace of God, the love and strength provided by our families and the thoughts and prayers of friends.

I will end this post with some pictures taken this weekend with family.

Josh's grandma fixing the mixture of fresh and silk flowers in his vase.

A new pink dogwood tree which was a Mother's Day gift and planted in memory of Josh,

Everyone in the family wearing our new "Josh" T-shirts.

Josh - you are always in our hearts. We love and miss you so much.

God Bless.

Wings 2 and T-shirt Fundraiser - May 18th

Thanks to all who came to the 10% fundraiser today at the Buffalo Wing Factory. There were some logistical issues, however we are hopeful that many of the receipts that were rung up today will be used.

As many of you know, today is the 2nd anniversary month of Josh's passing. It was a very sad day for me - perhaps I will write more on another post - so it was really great for Tim and I to be with Josh's friends tonight.

Additionally, the T-shirts that Gillian designed have come in (please scroll down to see the post). Thanks to everyone who ordered a shirt ($13 each). Because we placed an order of 60 shirts, the actual cost of the shirt was $9.38 so everything over this will be donated to Josh's fund.

If you would like to have a shirt, please let me know. If there are enough people who are interested, we will place another order. You can email me at jandermom@gmail.com with your size (YS, YM, YL, YXL, S, M, L, XL, XXL).

Here are pictures of both fundraisers.




I will conclude this post by sharing about something special that we received tonight. A couple of moms from the South Lakes LAX team put together a wonderful gift for the players - a deck of playing cards with the senior player's photos. What was very touching for us was the addition of a memorial card with Josh's picture and the following inscription on the back:

Josh,
We will never play our best hand without you.
We will never again be a full deck.
You will forever be missed and always remembered with love.

"One Love"
Your friends and teammates,
SLHS 2009
Varsity Lacrosse

A very special "thank you" to Barbara Shinrock and Christine Stout for including our son in this unique and special gift for the boys and giving it to us tonight.

God Bless

"JLA" T-shirt

Gillian designed a "JLA" T-shirt and can be ordered at CustomInk.com