Gillian sings "Make You Feel My Love" to Josh with slideshow

Gillian made a slideshow of pictures that chronicle the special relationship she had with Josh.  They were only 19 months apart and were inseparable when young.  Their closeness remained through the years.  She posted it as a YouTube video and sang Adele's Make You Feel My Love to him. Warning - you may need tissues!

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain the blowing in your face,

and the whole world is on your case.

I could offer you a warm embrace

to make you feel my love.

When evening shadows and the stars appear

and there is no one there to dry your tears

I could hold you for a million years,

to make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet

but I would never do your wrong.

I know that from the moment that we met

no doubt in my mind where you belong.

I go hungry;  I go black and blue

I go crawling down the avenue.

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love.

The storms are raging on the rolling sea

and on the highway of regret.

The winds of change are blowing wild and free,

You ain't seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true

Nothing that I wouldn't do.

Go to the ends of the Earth for you

to make you feel my love

To make you feel my love.

5th Annual Running to Remember Josh on March 15, 2014

This year's 5th Annual Running to Remember Josh was a blast!  We are so grateful for all our friends and family who came from 10 states (DC, VA, MD, MA, CT, NY, GA, TN, TX and  CO) to run and support our crucial mission - the prevention of teenage suicide.

Thanks to ALL our donors, we have blown out our $30,000 goal with over $44,000 raised!!

Flags made by friends in Georgia - luckily Rox was able to bring them on the plane with her!

We know you were with us in spirit!

Loading up on carbs the night before….

Donna Sanson, Karin and Luca (family friends) ran in memory of her Timmy...

Runners and supporters on Constitution Ave in the heart of Washington DC at the start

Mile 6 - up the hill…Gillian and friends looking good!

Tyler, Lauren and friends looking good too….

Donna at the finish….Timmy was with you every step of the way.

Gillian and friends excited at the finish! 

Tyler, Lauren and posse at the finish….

Tailgate afterwards…..carb re-load

Well done runners!!!

All for our beloved Josh - we love and miss you….

Dedicated to saving other young lives...

RIP JOSH

January 16, 1992 - March 18, 2009

Click here to see more pictures

4 Years and 3 Months (OBX vacation) - June 18, 2013

A couple of weeks ago, we went on a vacation to the Outerbanks, NC.  In years past, this beach mecca was a favorite destination during spring break.  We teamed up with other families and rented big homes on the beach - Josh loved it.

This year, three generations filled our large oceanfront house, from my brother's inquisitive, energetic 19-month old baby to my parents - still going strong at 77 and 83 years old.

It is our 5th summer without Josh and it is during family vacations that his absence is acutely felt. Gillian remarked that these times are especially hard as this was when she and Josh would spend hours together - talking, joking and laughing.

It hit me hard on our 4th day.  It started on my habitual early morning walk on the beach while listening to Ingrid Michaelson's poignant version of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.  Then I sat down on my sand chair and wrote a list of activities that I could just picture Josh doing:

• boogie-boarding over waves with his cousin, Greyson
• throwing the football around with cousins, Mitch and Lydia
• watching Star Trek in the in-house theatre room
• snoozing on the couch with the dogs
• playing poker
• discussing Dr. Who with Ava
• playing pool with uncle Steve and Greyson
• catching sand crabs
• in the jacuzzi with his sisters
• flirting with baby Keilani

I fell into the grief vortex, wracked with pain and sorrow - the sand crabs undisturbed by my sobs.  Attempts to describe these feelings were scribbled on the blank pages:

It is still painful - feels raw - piercing right to the depths of my heart and soul  - a mother's pain...

• deep

• never ending

• un-explicable

• emotional torture

• lazer sharp, pointed, stabbing pain - making it difficult to breathe

• fueled by guilt, regret, remorse

• a longing for life which will never be fulfilled

• a deep, profound sadness which feels bottomless

• like a boat which enjoyed calm seas and is now pummeled by waves - relentless, furious, uncaring, fierce, brutal, attacking

I was exhausted the next day - spent and drained.  The rest of the vacation passed with the awareness of Josh's absence, translated into a dull ache instead of the acute pain.   We saw dolphins every day which I've always taken as a sign of Josh's presence.  Then on the last day, an unmistakable sign occurred right outside our deck - a huge, beautiful, full rainbow - right on the ocean.  

Josh,

The whole family missed you on this vacation.  Thanks for letting us know you were with us.

RIP
Love,
Mom

4th Annual Running to Remember Josh - March 16, 2013

It is a blessing that our annual fundraiser, connected to the Rock n Roll Half and Full Marathon occurs around the anniversary of Josh's death.  (Click here to see post of last year's run).  Instead of sadness and grief leading up to that dreaded day, we are busy and focused on raising as much money as possible for the Josh Anderson Foundation, dedicated to preventing teenage suicide.  That weekend, our normally quiet home bustled with family and friends as both Gillian and Tyler arrived, as well as their cousin and friend, and one of Lauren's friend.

It is a reunion of sorts as most of the runners are friends of Lauren and Gillian and were in our home four years ago, giving their support, comfort and love to Josh's grieving sisters.  They have been with us every step of the way and so are an extension of our family - we are so grateful.  My dear friend Roxanne  came from Atlanta: we have known each other for years; she is like Josh's second mom since her son Bryce and Josh have been best friends since birth (they were born three weeks apart).  It was great to have Rachel, Josh's special friend, run her first half-marathon in support of JAF.

New friends were made: a high school student in Charlottesville has been volunteering with JAF as part of her senior project; she came to take pictures and shoot video.  One of Lauren's sorority sisters from college dedicated her run to her older brother, who tragically took his life last fall.  

All told, over 30 runners and supporters came from all over the country: Washington DC, Colorado, New York City, Boston, MA and Atlanta/Athens, Georgia.   Due to the generous contributions of over 400 donors, we raised over $27,000 - very close to the ambitious goal of $30,000.

Read article in our local newspaper, Foundation Prepares to Promote Mental Health, to learn more about what we are doing with the money.

The date for next year's run has already been set: Saturday, March 15, 2014.  We hope more runners will join us next year!

2013 Rock N Roll Half Marathon in Washington DC

Why we are running

Lauren and Gillian on race day morning with blue flag

Runners and supporters on Constitution Ave before the start

Starting line

Mile 6 - looking good!

Tailgate afterwards

Lauren and Gillian are happy it is over!

Congrats to all runners!

Lauren's friend ran in memory of her brother who took his life last fall

Everything we do is for him...

our beloved Josh

Slideshow with more pictures:

3-18-2012 - Three Years Later

Many thanks for the emails, FB messages, texts and phone calls today.  And to my friend Rox, for coming all the way from Atlanta to be with us.  Getting on the computer late this afternoon, I saw this post on my daughter-in-law's blog which reminded me of a post written a little over two months after his death called Josh and Dogs.

I've been a bit numb.  The week leading up to today has been extremely busy with our two fundraising events - bar fundraiser on Wednesday and marathon/half-marathon run yesterday.  The support for both has been overwhelming and moving.  Despite the lack of time for true reflection, I did try to write a little in my journal this morning and here is the gist of my thoughts.

I am still in disbelief sometimes - not that Josh is gone - I know that is true.  It is more around the fact that it happened to us.  We are like many other close and loving families in our community.  Tim and I have been dedicated parents from the get go.  We were fortunate to have jobs that allowed both of us to be home during their younger years.  I don't think he and I ever disagreed on how we would raise our kids. We believed they should have rules and consequences if broken.  We worked hard not to discipline out of anger/frustration.  We were very involved in their academic, extra-curricular and social lives.  If they participated in a baseball, soccer, basketball, lacrosse, football game or dance competition, we were there.  Tim coached the boy's baseball teams.  We knew their friends.  The kids were our #1 priority.

We struggled and muddled our way through the difficult teen years.  I am sure we were too harsh at times and too lenient at other times.  In fact, our older kids have said that we lightened up a lot with Josh - letting him "get away with things."  Probably true since he was our 4th, and we unwittingly gave into  parental fatigue.  As I reflect now, I wonder if we unknowingly did or said things that made our kids feel competitive with each another.  And while we tried to have open lines of communication, I am sure we said our fair share of "because we said so" to the questions of "why?" or "why not?"

That said, we did our best.  And with a clear conscious, I can say that everything we did, while not always right, was motivated out of what was best for them.  So I struggle now with the inexplicable question - if you love your child(ren) with all of your heart and would do anything for them, and have hopefully proven that through the child-rearing years, how could this happen?

How could your son decide to leave?  A loving home?  Friends too numerous to count?

How?  Why?   I am always brought back to these two haunting and unanswerable questions.  And it is because of these questions that we are focused and passionate about the Josh Anderson Foundation.  We want to fund programs in schools that could have impacted our son to take a different course of action in the midst of his extreme despair.  We want kids to feel comfortable enough to be open about their issues and to get help before it becomes unbearable.  We don't want kids suffering alone. We want to stop teenage suicide so no other family will suffer the same tragic loss.

RIP Josh.
I love and miss you more than words can express,
Mom

Successful Bar Fundraiser - March 14, 2012

The support for the Josh Anderson Foundation (JAF) has been overwhelming.  Pulled together in just ten short days, with herculean efforts from one of Lauren's high school friends and her family, the bar fundraiser held at The Tavern in Great Falls, VA was an incredible success, bringing in around $8,000!  

Friends signed up to be guest bartenders, local businesses donated prizes for our raffle, The Tavern gave 10% of the bar proceeds, and generous individuals and companies sponsored the event.  

Lauren's high school and college friends came out in full force along with many from the community so it was a fun mixture of a young 20's crowd and those mine and Tim's age.  As a parent, it is gratifying to see how the younger generation has embraced and supported efforts such as the JAF.  

We have some exciting programs planned in the spring which I will share as they are firmed up.  Everything we are doing is focused on one goal:  establishing programs that promote Youth Mental Wellness so that no teenager will ever turn to suicide. 

Pictures From March 2011 Bar Fundraiser for Half Marathon Run

Today our daughter Lauren and her boyfriend John, ran the SunTrust Half Marathon in Washington DC in memory of our beloved Josh.  The bar fundraiser raised almost $3,000 which brings the total in Josh's fund to over $14,000!  Many, many thanks to all those who supported the fundraiser, either by your donation at Rumors Bar or by sending in your check.  Lauren will be coming home this summer to volunteer a few months of her time to the important task of finding programs that we can support with this money.

Because the timing of this race falls near the anniversary of Josh's death, we plan to continue the tradition.  I have already decided to join Lauren next year and will run either the half marathon again or the relay.  We hope others will join us.

Below is a slideshow of the event. We are so proud of Lauren and what she is doing to honor her brother's memory.

2 Years Later - March 18, 2011

Can it be two years already?  Has Josh been gone for that long?  It doesn't seem so, but time does not lie.  It does not slow down either.  It keeps moving without pause or break.

And although it has been 24 months or 730 days, Josh's death does not feel that far from me.  I've created a space for myself to read and write in his room but sometimes, many times, it is hard to be there.  The stuff on his desk stare at me.  It is physically painful to see his handwriting.  His glasses and sunglasses hang where he last put them.  What if I could put them on and see what he saw, that last night two years ago?

Stuff is piled in his closet.  Will I find any clues if I meticulously go through everything?  I should start but can't find the motivation or energy.  So things remain.  For how long?  Who knows.  All I know is that I can't do anything about it now.

We've received a number of checks for Lauren's fundraising run that is happening next weekend along with heartfelt notes.  Numerous Facebook messages, emails, cards from friends as well as perfect strangers.  All to let us know that they are thinking of Josh and it hits me again - for the umpteenth time -  how much our boy is loved and still missed by so many.

The tear ducts have recently been dry but not now.  The spigots have turned on after receiving an email from one of Josh's school friends who shared very specific memories of him. Of what he taught her (how to solve a Rubic's cube - I forgot how obsessed he was with that), the last time she saw him which was the day he was suspended and a last text a few days before he died.

Why did he do it? Why did he end it all?  Why did he leave everyone who loved him?  The unanswerable questions followed by the inward self-grilling and the blanket of guilt continues, even after two long years.

I will end this post with pictures from the day.  

Pictures from the cemetery....

A new chime from Josh's grandparents

Making a blanket of red and white rose petals

Beautiful flowers received today...

Slide show of the Wings gathering....Tim and I are so grateful to those who came to be with us....

Halloween Pics

A slide show of Halloween pictures of Josh with family and friends.

I would give anything to turn back time and have my Josh back home.

God Bless

Pictures of Josh - 12 Years Old

As I was thinking about what to write on Josh's blog today, it occurred to me that it has been a while since I posted a slide show of photos. The last one was three months ago and was from 2003 when he was 11 years old.

Going into my analytical mode I ask myself, "Why is that?" The pictures have been scanned for months and have been sitting in my computer, waiting to be uploaded to Picasa, and then the blog. I did not consciously delay action so it must have been subconscious. Yes, this makes sense. I am running out of years that Josh is alive. He died when he was 17 years old, so each slide show that I create and post brings me closer to the end. Words can't express how sad this makes me feel.

RIP Josh. We love and miss you.

God Bless

Pictures of Josh - 11 yrs old

It is a good thing that we don't use our dining room for it has been completely taken over by my photo scanning project that I started three months after Josh died (see previous post). I thought it would take a few months - ha! A year later and I am still at it. It is a bit discouraging as it appears as though I have only scratched the surface, but in actual fact, I have accomplished a lot. All of my pictures from the year Josh was born (1992) are digital. Although this was my original goal, it will not feel complete until I scan the rest of my negatives - back to 1983, when Tim and I got married.

I am taking it a little at a time. No rush. No deadlines. No pressure. For I can only do what I want or what feels right. Sometimes it is days or even weeks before I feel like doing something on this project. "Pre-Josh", this would have bothered me. I am a list person - write it down and check it off. A big project like this would've been reduced to manageable chunks, to be tackled every weekend until finished and then onto the next project. I am (or used to be) a goal-oriented person. The more goals, the better. They motivated and energized me. No longer. Strange how a significant personality trait can just dissipate - as if it were never there. That person seems foreign to me now.

So what am I doing with my time - outside of work? I've been reading a lot. I watch Red Sox games while working on my cross stitching project. There is a story about Josh in my head that I've started to put on paper. A little this and a little that. Nothing big, nothing much. But enough to get me through each day and night.

These picture are of Josh in 2003. He was eleven years old and you can see the beginnings of the infamous "smirk".

I love you Josh. I think about you every day and miss you more now than ever before. R.I.P

Love,
Mom

Josh's Trees and Pictures at 10 Years Old

Last year, we planted my favorite tree, a pink dogwood in our front yard - for Josh. A plaque given by one of his friends, with a verse from Psalm 23 is placed nearby.




Last October, another dogwood was planted near the town's youth football field - again, in memory of Josh. You can read about it here.

I am told that it is unusual for newly planted trees to bloom in the first year. And yet, Josh's trees have done so. My grieving heart takes comfort in this small occurrence. Even though it has been over a year, it is still so very, very hard.

I will end this short post with a slideshow of pictures taken when he was 10 years old.

God Bless

Half and Full Marathon Fundraiser - March 20, 2010 - updated with You Tube video

Days leading up to race day - To be honest, the most predominant feeling was one of dread and regret. After weeks of training, I was finding that after 8 miles, it seemed like every cell in my body wanted to stop. The longest I had run was 10 miles, and both times, it was really, really, really difficult. It would be fair to say that I could barely finish. I was experiencing sharp pain in my right knee during the long runs. But the notes, letters and checks that came daily did much to encourage me to continue in the quest to run 13.1 miles.

Two days before - was the 1 year death anniversary. We had a memorial service at "Josh's park", as his grandmother calls it, and then an open house in the evening. A mother of one of Josh's closest friends provided the food. Friends traveled from all over Virginia as well as from different states to help us remember Josh and to cheer us on during the race. As I remember this day, tears of thankfulness, not sadness fill my eyes. We are so overwhelmed by all of the love and support shown to us individually and as a family.

Day before - In the morning, Lauren, Tim and I met with a program director from the Optimist Club. We were encouraged by our conversation as they have found an organization that can possibly provide the type of programs that we are looking to fund: education/awareness of teenage depression/suicide -hopefully at his two high schools. Additionally, she had run a couple of marathons and based on her experience, suggested that we ask friends or family to run the last couple of miles with us. We followed her advise and this is one of the main reasons that we were able to successfully finish the race.

Eliza came in on the bus in the afternoon and her mom flew in from a vacation in LA. It was exciting to have our team together after months of training in four different cities (Boston, NYC, Atlanta and DC). Nadine, another dear friend joined us for dinner and gave us many other useful tips as this was her third marathon. We feasted on a big pasta dinner complete with lots of bread (carb heaven!), spinach salad and wonderful desserts that were left over from our open house. A plan on how all the "cheerleaders" would get to various mile markers by using the Metro was made and distributed. We were nervous, excited and ready.

Race day - Up at 5am and out of the door by 5:45am for the 7am start. Gillian is making a documentary of this event so she interviewed us while getting ready. When asked how I was feeling, two words came to mind: nervous dread. I really did not think I could finish but was going to give it my best effort. Some may think a negative mindset would work against me. In actual fact, it was the opposite because it took the pressure off and whatever happened, happened. I would be okay with it.

It is hard to describe the energy and enthusiasm that surrounded us as we waited for the start. It was another stellar day and we all felt Josh's presence. The route took us past the the U.S. Capital, Washington Monument, White House, through Dupont Circle, Adams Morgan, Howard University and back to the start. As we ran through neighborhoods, people were on their porch, playing music from boom boxes or with actual instruments like drums and trumpets. Little girls dressed up in their cheerleading outfits and were on the streets with the parents, yelling for us to keep going. Our fans were at mile markers 3, 6, 7.5, 10 (Gillian and a friend joined us) and at the half marathon finish. Because of the blue flags, we were able to spot one another from a distance.

The girls continued and a large group of fans were at mile 17. In fact, one of Lauren's friends joined them at this time and another at mile 20. During the last mile, Gillian and her friends joined and the entire "posse" ran them in. My eyes filled up when Lauren ran by - to do this in memory and honor of her brother was moving. Apparently, the announcer had seen the blue flags and asked what they were for. He was filled in and as Lauren crossed the finish line, over the loud speaker, he mentioned how her run was dedicated to Josh.

Post race - Two days later, my legs are sore and the right knee is tender. Words I would now use to describe the day? Exciting, exhilarating, and amazing. It was such a great experience that while running, we were talking about doing this again the following year and having more people join us.

As of this post, I am delighted to report that 89 checks and $8,000 has been given - double our goal! Thanks so much to all of our supporters. Together, we can make a difference in the lives of other young people.

See YouTube Video of the day.

One of many flags that were made for this special day

In the crowd - before the start of the race

Our "cheerleaders" - using the metro to get to places along the race route

Our team at 7.5 miles.....looking good!

Crossing over the half marathon finish line!

We made it!

Lauren in the final leg of the marathon - being "run in" by a group of Gillian's friends

Eliza in the final leg - ready to get a "side five" from me

They made it!

Lauren and Eliza with their cheering section

All for our beloved Josh

Celebrating with a well-earned glass of champagne

A note from Lauren about what the day meant to her....

My new beginning.

Some of you may know but most of you not, that I have suffered the past couple months with depressed and anxious thoughts and feelings as I have not been able to come to terms with the tragic loss of my brother and comprehend his mode of death and what both have meant for my life. One of the things- among my amazing friends and family as well as professional help- that has helped me progress through this low time has been my marathon training. Even when days seemed like they could not get worse, I would force myself to get out there and keep up with my running schedule. On the weekends, instead of partying and being social as I normally would, I devoted my time to preparing, completing and recovering from my long runs of 17, 18, 19 miles. During these hours, when I was alone on the road with my thoughts, I was able to put to practice a lot of the methods and practices I was using to re-train my thought process that has taken a course of its own post-Josh’s death.

So that is why marathon day meant so much to me. Josh’s spirit with us the entire time- making the sky as blue as possible and the temperature warm but bearable. The support was uncanny and amazing- my friends and family were running all over DC (literally) to catch us with loud screams and flag waving for a split second as we ran by. But there was also hope in the air. Hope that Josh will never be forgotten, that his death will not go in vain and especially necessary for me, hope that there still is life out there to be lived. There is a life that must be filled with relationships that withstand all adversity, love that endures even when it seems impossible and perseverance to take every day as it comes. Thank you to everyone who was there to support us- I know that I most definitely could not have run 26.2 miles without all of you there. Thank you Josh for watching over us that day and everyday. And thank you God for giving me the hope to get through this and live a much more fulfilled life on the other side.

God Bless