FCPS School Board Votes on Disciplinary Policy Changes

It was an emotional day yesterday, but a good and productive day - I think...I hope....I pray.  In advance of last night's School Board meeting, where they were going to vote on changes to the current harsh, punitive and draconian disciplinary policies that caught our Josh in its net and pushed him to a point of no return, Peggy Fox from Channel 9 News came to our home for our first TV interview since his death.

She was very nice and easy to talk to - genuinely empathetic.  For she has children and had spent time reading this blog - in tears.  It sometimes surprises me that mothers who do not know us get emotional, but it shouldn't.  For even if a mother has not lost a child, she can put herself in my shoes and feel my pain.

So the interview was hard.  It was hard to re-live the circumstances around Josh's death, over 2 years ago.  It was hard to recount that when Josh was transferred to South Lakes HS, he was not allowed to step foot at Langley HS for a year, and that we had to get special permission for him to play in a football game between the two schools and that if he were to continue to be a referee at youth basketball games, it could only be if Tim were with him.  It was hard to think back to the horrible School Board hearing when our son was treated like a criminal instead of with compassionate understanding that he was a good kid who made a very bad mistake.  It was hard to be asked the question: "If the FCPS policies were different, would Josh still be alive?"

Did Josh do something wrong?  Yes.

Should he have been punished?  Absolutely, but as a non-violent, first time offender.   Josh was not a threat to his school community and did not need to be transferred to another school.  And anyone who came to his funeral and witnessed the over 1,000 students pay their respects and say "good-bye" would know this to be true.

We went to the rally before the meeting where parents wore red, held signs up and spoke passionately about the need for change.  We attended the meeting which was also hard.  It was difficult to hear that in Montgomery County, according to research done by a School Board member, involuntary transfers are used as a last resort.  So does this mean that if we lived in Maryland, our beloved Josh would still be alive?  This is too painful to contemplate.

It was hard to hear some School Board members, despite two deaths and the numerous examples of negatively impacted students, still say things like "this policy has only affected 1% of the student population."  What does that have to do with anything? Isn't each child important?  And that "these policies are in place to provide a safe environment for students and teachers."  No one is saying a safe environment should be compromised.  What we are saying is that these policies are flawed because they prosecute students who are NOT a threat to their school community as if they were.

It was clear to us who on the Board has listened to the community, read the stories, talked to parents and understood the obvious - that good kids make stupid mistakes.  They act before they think.  Their immature brains provide faulty justification for dumb teenage actions.  That we are talking about kids, with their whole lives in front of them.  These board members stepped up and proposed amendments to the Students Rights and Responsibilities that outline FCPS's discipline policies.  Several amendments passed and I am hopeful that this will help.  But I am disappointed that a critical amendment, one that addressed parent notification and presence before a child is interrogated or asked to provide a confession/statement did not pass.  Thus, what happened last night is only the first step.  More changes need to occur.

Note to all FCPS parents - because this amendment did not pass, YOU will need to protect the rights of your children by making it clear through written communication that if your child is caught for an infraction that starts the discipline process, school officials must wait until you are present before questioning your child.

As I sat there and watched the proceedings, I kept thinking the same thing over and over, Why wasn't this addressed when Josh died?  And let's be brutally honest, the only reason it is being addressed now is because of Nick's tragic death and the courageous advocacy of his family.  And the in-depth reporting by Donna St. George of the Washington Post.  And the pressure from the grass-roots parent advocacy group.  And the continued spotlight by the local news channels which has now garnered national attention.  It is NOT because of the leadership shown from the Superintendent or the School Board.

So I repeat the question - why wasn't this addressed when Josh had died?  Why didn't someone stand up in March 2009 and say "A student has committed suicide and it is believed to be tied to our disciplinary policies.   We need to investigate this and if there is even the smallest connection, we need to make changes for no other child will end his or her life on my watch."  If Superintendent Jack Dale or the School Board had done this, Nick would be alive.  Shame on Dale.  Shame on the School Board.   They are being shamed into action, which on top of our son's death, is tragic.

Links on the broadcasts from yesterday:

Channel 9 News at 5:00pm:  "Parents of Son Who Committed Suicide Rally for Change"  by Peggy Fox

Channel 9 News at 11:00pm:  "Disciplinary Policy Changes Coming to Fairfax County Schools" 


Channel 4 News at 11:00pm:  "Fairfax Schools Zero Tolerance Policy Nixed" by Darcy Spencer

Our Reaction to Dale's 10 Recommendations to Reform the Current Disciplinary Process

First of all, we want to say shame on Superintendent Dale and the School Board for taking action only after a second young life tragically lost to suicide has galvanized enough parental outrage and demand for change, due in large part to the courageous advocacy of the Stuban family and the unrelenting media scrutiny from the Washington Post and local news stations.

The Zero Tolerance Reform advocacy group was in existence several years prior to Josh's death and had been calling attention, albeit on deaf ears, to this draconian and overly harsh punitive process.  Had reforms occurred at that time, perhaps our son would be alive.

We find it interesting that the 10 recommendations below are being touted by school officials as "the most sweeping changes in more than a dozen years."  As Tim says, if nothing has been done in many years, any change will be "sweeping".  We see this as county "spin" to make this look better than what it really is.

1. Refining notification rules and helping parents prepare for the process
2. Helping students and parents understand their rights and responsibilities
3. Recording all disciplinary hearings
4. Shortening the disciplinary process
5. Providing instructional and intervention support for students in limbo
6. Giving more power to principals
7. Collecting data on existing and any new disciplinary processes
8. Urging parents to fill out exit surveys after hearings and school board rulings
9. Training and retraining staff on disciplinary guidelines
10. Continuing the "Positive Behavioral Interventions and Support" programs across all schools

Do you have the same reaction as we do when reading this list?  Aren't these just "bare minimum" items?  Isn't the county exposing how little attention has been placed on the disciplinary process that affected over 600 students last year and largely responsible for the deaths of two?  A process that all 175,000 students are exposed to?

Let's be honest Superintendent Dale and School Board members, this list isn't about true reform - it is about establishing procedures that should've been in place from the start.  

For example, how can FCPS subject students to involuntary transfers, basically ripping them out of their community, and not collect data on the impact of this highly punitive action to the student?   We find this "unconscionable".

This is a start but there is a long way to go.   Here is our list that would signal true reform.

IMMEDIATE CHANGE that must be demanded by all FCPS parents:

1. Parents MUST BE notified if their child has done anything to warrant suspension.  There should be NO questioning of the student by school administrators or SRO (School Resource Officers) and NO searching of student property until at least one parent is present. 
2. Stop involuntary transfers immediately until the process has been reformed.  Heaven help the Superintendent and School Board if another FCPS student who has been involuntarily transferred attempts or succeeds in suicide. 

REFORM the process

1. The initial hearing should be at the local schools.  Only if the student is deemed a threat to the school community by people who know the student, should it be "kicked" up the School Board Hearing Office. 
2. Use the money saved by reducing the Hearing office (the cost is approximately $1.6 million) to provide training on the local level for these hearings. 
3. First time juvenile offenders should be treated as such.  Distinctions must be made between dumb teen mistakes and hardened criminal activity.  It should not be that the law treats these kids with more compassion and understanding than the school system. 
4. Consequences should match the offense with a goal of education and reform.  Kids should be able to make dumb teen mistakes and learn from them without wholesale change and disruption to their lives.  NOTE: We are not saying that kids who break rules shouldn't be punished.  They should be.  But not in a way that is overly harsh and punitive. 
5. SRO presence in schools should be re-evaluated.  We have heard horror stories of "over zealous" SRO's that take any excuse to search students.  It is as though they are looking for someone to prosecute.  Has something that started out as a good thing, gone too far? 
6. Involuntary transfers should be the absolute last resort, not the first. 

Our overall comment to the Superintendent and the School Board is this: Stop hiding behind the excuse of "we are following the Virginia State Code when we recommend first-time student offenders for expulsion."  It has been established that Virginia law not only allows school boards to use discretion for special circumstances but can determine what those circumstances are.  

Remember what it was like to be a teen.  If you were back in high school, did you engage in activity that would subject you to the disciplinary process?  And if so, how would you have fared?  

Use discretion; have compassion.

Or more famously said: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. "

Coming up to the 2 year....

It is now March 7th and Josh's 2 year death anniversary is around the corner.  After March 18th, we will be living in the third year without him.  For some reason, this feels significant.  I don't know why. Perhaps it is the same sort of feeling that a cancer victim has after enduring invasive surgery, days of chemotherapy and rounds of radiation.  It feels like our family has survived the worst of the unimaginable.  Not that we are done, but the worst is over.  And now, we are in the process of moving forward with our lives while taking Josh with us.

My fear that his death would be in vain is unfounded.  With the tragic death of another young teen who was also subject to the disciplinary process within Fairfax County Public Schools, there is finally some movement to examine the effectiveness of the policy and make wholesale changes.

I also feared that Josh would be forgotten by his friends.  Nothing could be further from the truth as evidenced by the numerous birthday messages on his Facebook wall two months ago.  Last month, I heard from a mom whose son went to South Lakes HS and played football and lacrosse with our boy.  She shared how much Josh is still loved and missed. With their permission, the photo below is a picture of his desk.  So we are not the only one who have pictures of Josh around our home.

We love and miss you Josh.
R.I.P. my beloved son,
Love,
Mom

Josh and Nick's Suicides ARE Linked to FCPS ZT Policy: Updated 6/10/2011

This post has been created in honor of Josh Anderson (3/18/2009) and Nick Stuban (1/20/2011)

Both of these boys should be alive: Josh as a freshman in college and Nick as a high school sophomore. While their offenses were different, the feelings were the same: helplessness, hopelessness and despair due to the punishment given by Fairfax County Public Schools and as a result, both are gone. In their prime of life. And the saddest thing of all is that if treated differently, they would still be here.

Additional thought: Actually, what is so horrific about all of this is that if the policy was reviewed and reformed after Josh's death, then Nick would still be alive. To me, this falls squarely at the feet of the Fairfax County School Board and Superintendent.

There has been much in the media after Nick's death resulting in increased public pressure for the School Board and Superintendent Jack Dale to revise the draconian disciplinary policies. Two members of the Fairfax Board of Supervisors are calling for it. And any parent who has read the moving article by Donna St. George in Sunday's Washington Post (2/20/11) about the Stuban's experience and Nick's suicide should be afraid, angry and get involved in the call for reform. Why? Because the disciplinary policies could ensnare you and your child.

Teens are teens. Despite everything you do to keep your kids on the "straight and narrow"....you know what I mean: the "talks", the warnings, the curfews, the vetting of friends, careful monitoring of sleepovers, dishing out of consequences when rules are broken, all of the things that conscientious parents do, please listen when I say this - when they are in high school, all bets are off.

Josh was not a bad kid. And while I don't believe his words about drug use in high school were entirely true, "Mom, everyone is doing it", it is more prevalent than what I want to think and believe. He was a repeat offender, despite everything we were trying to do, and I realize he will not garner the same sympathy as Nick, but he was not a bad kid. We don't condone what he did but he should not have been made to feel like a criminal. He was guilty of being dumb, stupid and making really bad choices, but he was not a bad kid. He was not a threat to other students in FCPS and as such, he should not have faced expulsion to an alternative school or from the county. He should've have been punished, absolutely. And severely so. But not by removing him from his school, friends, athletic opportunities and support system. We believe this was too harsh. (Read this post for our experience)

Tim is keeping me abreast of the comments on the recent articles. I understand that just as Josh will be judged "guilty as charged", having been caught twice, the same will be for us as his parents. What were we teaching him? How permissive were we? Why couldn't we control our own son so that he would stay away from drugs? At the risk of sounding defensive, and I will only do this once, our other three kids will serve as as our parental "resume".

• Tyler (26) graduated from TJ, short for the the nationally renowned Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology. According to the US News and World Report, it is the #1 high school in the country, securing the top spot each of the three years they have ranked schools. He graduated from the Terry College of Business at the University of Georgia, is married and working as an account executive at a telemarketing firm.
• Lauren (23) went to Langley HS and after graduating from the top ranked McIntire School of Commerce at the University of Virginia, is now working as a financial analyst at a mid market investment banking firm.
• Gillian (20) is also a TJ graduate and is currently a 3rd year student at the University of Virginia, majoring in psychology and minoring in film study.

Everyone in our area knows how difficult it is to get into TJ. And all who live in Virginia know how steep the competition is to receive the coveted UVA acceptance letter as it is the #2 top public university in the country. Parents also know the challenge that college graduates face in securing good jobs in this tough economy. While all the credit goes to our kids for their accomplishments, I believe they would say that parental love and support was paramount to their success.

Why am I sharing more about our family? Only to say this: If it can happen to us and now to the Stuban's, it can happen to anyone. Our hearts go out to Nick's parents. Unfortunately we know the nightmare they are living. Tim and I implore parents to wake up and demand change for the sake of your children....before other lives are irrevocably damaged or heaven forbid, lost.

Below are media links in chronological order. The intent is to have everything on one post for easy reference.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Suicide death of our 17 year old beloved son

Joshua Lee Anderson

Wednesday (3/25/09)

Reston Connection: "Saxons, Seahawks Mourn Teammate"

Sunday (4/5/09)
Washington Post: "Unbending Rules on Drugs in Schools Drive One Teen to the Breaking Point" by Marc Fisher

Monday (4/6/09)
Washington Post - Raw Fisher: "Zero Tolerance: Cure Can Be Harsher Than Crime" by Marc Fisher

The New York Times Parenting Blog: "A Zero-Tolerance Policy, and a Suicide" by Lisa Belkin


Tuesday (4/14/09)
Washington Post - Raw Fisher: "Zero Tolerance: Parents Talk Tough, But Are They Really?" by Marc Fisher


Wednesday (4/29/09)
Reston Connection: "Seahawks Ready for Postseason Breakthrough" by Rich Sanders

Tuesday (10/13/09)
Washington Post - The Answer Sheet blog post: "Checking It Out: Zero Tolerance or Zero Sense?" by Valerie Strauss

Friday (9/17/10)
Gazette: "One Strike, They're Out" by Julia O'Donoghue

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Suicide death of 15 year old beloved son

Nicholas L. Stuban

Saturday (1/22/11)
Washington Post: "Student Death Stirs Up Fairfax: Disciplinary policies scrutinized after student death in Fairfax. Suicide suspected after suspension and transfer" by Donna St. George

Monday (1/24/11)

Fairfax City Patch: "Student's Death Opens Old Wounds" by Whitney Rhodes

Thursday (1/27/11)
Burke Connections: "Mantua Teenager Remembered: Nick Stuban, 15, participated in Woodson football, Boy Scouts" by Julia O'Donoghue

Tuesday (2/8/11)
Fairfax County Board of Supervisors (BOS) Resolution: "Fairfax County Public Schools Zero Tolerance Policy" by Supervisor Catherine M. Hudgins (Hunter Mill District) and Supervisor Penny Gross (Mason District)

Friday (2/11/11)
FCPS Superintendent Jack D. Dale: "Statement to Members of the Fairfax County BOS"


Washington Post: "School Superintendent Jack D. Dale Defended Fairfax County's Discipline Policies "by Donna St. George

Reston Patch: "Supervisor Hudgins Explains 'Zero Tolerance' Remarks"

Reston Patch: "Schools Superintendent Blasts Hunter Mill Supervisor" by Karen Goff


Tuesday (2/15/11)
Oakton Patch: "County, School Officials Spar Over Disciplinary Process' Link to Student Suicides" by Whitney Rhodes

Reston Patch Opinion: "Gibson: 'Our Students Deserve Better": Hunter Mill School Board rep says county BOS should stay out of zero tolerance debate.

Sunday (2/20/11)
Washington Post: "Student's Suspension Furthered His Despair: Suicide turns attention to Fairfax County's discipline procedures" by Donna St. George


Washington Post - The Answer Sheet blog post: "Why School Zero Tolerance Policies Make No Sense"by Valerie Strauss


Monday (2/21/11):
6 page letter from the Rutherford Institute to Superintendent Jack Dale titled "Nick Stuban and Fairfax County Public Schools Disciplinary Process"

The Rutherford Institute News: "Rutherford Institute Denounces Zero Tolerance, Calls On Fairfax School District to Reform Disciplinary Process in Wake of Student Suicide"


Washington Post: "Family of Fairfax Teen Suicide Victim Wants Changes in School Disciplinary Policies" by Donna St. George

Washington Post: "A Temperance Movement Springs Up to Combat Fairfax County Schools' Zero Tolerance Policy" by Petula Dvorak

Channel 9 News: "Father of Suicide Victim Demands Changes in School Policy"

Connection: "School Discipline: Broken or Perfect? Jack Dale criticizes concerns linking teen suicides to suspensions" by Julia O'Donoghue

Tuesday (2/22/11):
Washington Post - The Answer Sheet: "Jack Dale's response to Stuban Family Letter"

Springfield Connection: "Time to Talk about 'Discipline': Schools need to consider the best interests of the student" by Mary Kimm

Wednesday (2/23/11):
Oakton Patch: "Dale Points to State Zero Tolerance Policies to Explain FCPS Actions" by Whitney Rhodes

Fairfax City Patch: "Reed Responds to Zero Tolerance Debate" (Patricia Reed is the school board member for the Providence District, which includes Woodson HS)

Washington Post: "VA Teen's Suicide Prompts MD Review of Disciplinary Policies" by Donna St. George

Washington Post Opinon: "The Rationale for Strict High School Discipline" by David Campbell, teacher at Centreville HS

Washington Post Opinion: "No Second Chances at Fairfax Schools" by Robert Guerra

Washington Post Editorial: "Fairfax County Should Reconsider Its Zero Tolerance School Discipline"

Saxon Scope: "Is 'Zero Tolerance' Not Enough?" by Terra Holderman

Thursday (2/24/11)
Channel 9 news: "Fairfax School Officials Defend Discipline Policy"

Dignity in Schools: "Zero Tolerance, Zero Consideration" by Joao Da Silva

abc2news: "Virginia teen's death prompts Maryland to review zero tolerance polices"

Scrippsnews: "School's Rigid Adherence to Rules Proves Fatal" by Dan Thomasson

Friday (2/25/11)

Channel 9 News: "Parents of Suicide Victim Speak on Camera, Blast School System"

myfoxdc: "Fairfax County School Policy under Review After Teen Suicide" by Audrey Barnes

FCPS News Release: "Fairfax County School Board to Review Discipline Topics"

Washington Post: "Fairfax County School Board To Review Discipline Policies" by Donna St. George

Monday (2/28/11)

Washington Post - Two letters to the Editor: "Removing Students: Fair or Foul?" by Crystal Shin, Charlottesville and Michael Wilcove, Rockville

Washington Examiner: "Fairfax Suicide Prompts VA Task Force on School Discipline" by Lisa Gartner

Wednesday (3/2/11)
Washington Examiner Local Editorial: "Zero Tolerance' Policies Do Lasting Damage"


Friday (3/4/11)

Washington Post Opinons: "What 'Zero Tolerance" Meant For My Son" by Sonia Mey-Schmidt

Wednesday (3/9/11)

Washington Examiner Local Editorial: "Zero Tolerance" Policies do Lasting Damage"

Thursday (3/10/11) -

Washington Post: "Teenage Suspended from Fairfax County over Acne Drug" by Donna St. George

McLean Patch Mom's Chat: "Disciplinary Process Needs Reform: Don't Crush Our Kid's Dreams"

Friday (3/11/11)

Washington Post's The Answer Sheet: "5 Myths About Zero-Tolerance Disciplinary Policies" by Valerie Strauss

Vienna Patch: "Stubans to Parents: Commit to FCPS Reform"

Vienna Patch: "FCPS Discipline Reform Group Plans for Monday's School Board Session" by Whitney Rhodes

Saturday (3/12/11)
Washington Post: "A Temperance Movement Springs Up to Combat Fairfax County Schools' Zero Tolerance Policy" by Petula Dvorak

Sunday (3/13/11)
Time Magazine: "Zero Tolerance, Zero Sense" by Nancy Gibbs

Monday (3/14/11)

Washington Post Local Breaking News Blog: "Fairfax Holds Hearings on School Discipline Policies" by Donna St. George

Reston Patch: "School Board Considers More 'Holistic' Approach to Discipline" by Whitney Rhodes

Red Apple Mom Blog post: "The "Fear Factor" in FCPS School Discipline"

Channel 9 News: "Fairfax School Policy Reviewed After Expulsions" by Peggy Fox


FCPS School Board Agenda and Topics for all day work session: "Review of Student Disciplinary Process"

Tuesday (3/15/11)
Washington Post Education: "In the Aftermath of Student's Suicide, Fairfax Board Examines Discipline Policies" by Donna St. George

Channel 9 News: "Virginia Education Leader Wants Reviews for all Disciplined Student" by Peggy Fox

Wednesday (3/16/11)
Fairfax Times: "School Board Considers Changing its Discipline Policy" by Holly Hobbs

Washington Post: "Fairfax County School Board to Review Discipline Policies" by Donna St. George

Saturday (3/19/11)
Washington Post's Higher Education: "Fairfax Schools' Discipline Policies Up for Review: Parents Seek More Leniency" by Donna St. George

Sunday (3/20/11)
Reston Patch: "Parents Push for Changes to Disciplinary Process" by Sherell Williams

Tuesday (3/22/11)
Washington Post: "Fairfax Schools Chief Says System is Seeking Ways to Improve Discipline Process" by Donna St. George

Fox News: "Community Meeting Held to Discuss Fairfax County Schools Disciplinary Process" by Wisdom Martin

Wednesday (3/23/11)
WAMU 88.3 DC: "Kojo in Your Community: Discipline in the Fairfax County Schools"

Fairfax City Patch: "Stubans Call Out Involuntary Transfers, Want Discipline Changes Now" by Whitney Rhodes and Bobbi Bowman

Radio Without All the Noise: "Kojo Explores FCPS Disciplinary Policies with McLean Community" by Jonathan Wilson

Thursday (3/24/11)
Falls Church News Press.com: "Commentary on March 20th Town Hall Meeting" by Penny Gross, Mason District Supervisor of Fairfax Board of Supervisors

Monday (3/28/11)
Washington Post: "Fairfax Schools Consider Recording Student Disciplinary Hearings" by Donna St. George

Wednesday (3/30/11)
Reston Patch: "Dale Recommends Relief for Students Caught with Meds, But What About Others?" by Whitney Rhodes

WTOP: "'Zero Tolerance' May be Amended in Fairfax Schools" by Hank Silverberg

Fairfax Times: "School Board to Address Expulsion, Transfers" by Holly Hobbs

Channel 9 News: "Fairfax Schools Superintendent Proposes Changes To Discipline Process" by Peggy Fox

NBC News: "Superintendent Suggests Plan to Improve Discipline in Schools"

Fox News: "Virginia Task Force Meets with Student's Father to Discuss School Disciplinary Program"

Thursday (3/31/11)

Washington Post: "Dale Proposes Changes to Fairfax Discipline Process" by Donna St. George

Fairfax Times Opinion: "A Primer on Fairfax County Public School's Disciplinary Process" by David Hirsch, attorney with Fairfax-based law firm

Fairfax Times: "School Discipline Process Can Be Improved" by Kathy Smith, Chairman of the Fairfax County School Board

March 2011
Child Trends Brief: "Multiple Responses, Promising Results: Evidence-Based, Nonpunitive Alternatives to Zero Tolerance" by Christopher Boccanfuso, Ph.D and Megan Kuhfeld B.S.

Sunday (4/3/11)
Washington Post Local Opinion: "How Fairfax Can Get School Discipline Right" by Caroline Hemenway and Janet Otersen, co-founders of FairfaxZeroToleranceReform.org

Monday (4/4/11)
Washington Examiner: "Fairfax School Board Weighs Changes to Discipline Policy" by Lisa Gartner

Washington Post:  "Revamp of Fairfax School Discipline Rules Continues" by Donna St. George

Fox News: "No Changes to Fairfax County Public Schools Discipline Policy" by Sherri Ly

Wednesday (4/6/11)
FairfaxCityPatch: "Gibson: There Needs To Be Consequences for Drug Offenders in Schools" by Karen Goff

Wednesday (4/20/11)
Washington Post: "Penalties for Drug Offenses Weigh Heavily on Students" by Donna St. George

Tuesday (5/10/11)
Vienna Patch: "Madison, Thoreau Principals Open Dialogue on School Discipline" by Elizabeth Vandenburg

Channel 9 News: "Are School's Zero Tolerance Policies Going Too Far?" 

Saturday (5/14/11)
Washington Post: "Fairfax Discipline Proposals Issued" by Donna St. George

Tuesday (5/17/11)
Vienna Patch: "School Board Mulls Parental Notification, Access to Hearing Recording in Discipline Work Session" by Sherell Williams

Washington Post: "Fairfax County School Board Weighs Changes to Discipline Policies" by Donna St. George

FairfaxTimes.com: "School Board: Discipline Proposal Not Enough" by Holly Hobbs

Tuesday (6/7/11)
Vienna Patch: "FZTR Hopes School Board's SR&R Vote Isn't Final Call" by Whitney Rhodes

Thursday (6/9/11)
Washington Post: "Fairfax May Reexamine Forced School Transfers in Discipline Cases" by Donna St. George

Channel 9 News (5:00 pm):  "Parents of Son Who Committed Suicide Rally for Changes" by Peggy Fox

Channel 9 News (11:00 pm): "Disciplinary Policy Changes Coming To Fairfax County Public Schools"

Channel 4 News (11:00 pm): "Fairfax Schools Zero Tolerance Policies Nixed" by Darcy Spencer

Friday (6/10/11)
Washington Post: "Fairfax Scales Back Discipline Policy" by Donna St. George

Vienna Patch: "School Board Votes to Make Discipline Process More Flexible, Supportive" by Naomi Nix

ABC 7 News: "Fairfax Parents, Students Glad Over the Change in Discipline Policies" by Gail Pennybaker

Saturday (6/11/11)
Vienna Patch: "School Board: Discipline Changes Won't End 'Involuntary Transfer' Option" by Naomi Nix

Motive for Suicide - Not Wanting to be a Burden?

It is almost 2 years since Josh's decision to leave us - can it be that long already?  It doesn't seem possible.  I've picked up some survivor of suicide books to re-read; ones with chapters that addressed feelings farther down the grief journey than where I was at that time of the initial reading. 

One book, Take the Dimness of My Soul Away: healing after a loved one's suicide, by William Ritter is a series of sermons that the author gave at different points after his son's death.  In the last one, given nine years later, he recounts his feelings upon reviewing the film The Hours for a church event.  Having never seen the movie, it is now in my Netflix queue.  The subject matter is suicide.  And how the reason that one of the characters takes her life is that she doesn't want to continue to "spoil" her husband's life any longer.   He then recounts how several have come to him as their pastor with the same motive for their own suicidal thoughts: 

"...one of the things that always surfaces is their belief that, in choosing death, they will be doing the world a favor....their family a favor...their friends a favor.  Sometimes they will be quite specific about the ways in which their departure will make someone else's life easier.  Those remaining will now have more time, more money, less worry, or less fury.  They really believe that.  Because if they didn't, they couldn't end their lives.  Or wouldn't."

Did Josh feel this way?  I have to believe he did.  Because at this time of his death, due to a very stupid mistake, he was facing unbearable consequences which not only affected him, but us as well.  And I think the mountain of guilt, anxiety, fear and frustration was too much.  He was disappointed in himself and knew we were as well.  What I feel guilty about now, almost two years later is that I am not sure that we made it crystal clear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is was the action we were disappointed in, and not him.  He as a person.  His being.  

Why am I thinking of this now?  Because Jack Dale, the Superintendent of Fairfax County Public Schools in a response to the Board of Supervisors has effectively said that FCPS does not have a Zero Tolerance policy and that linking Josh's death to the disciplinary process "for the purpose of furthering a falsehood is unconscionable and a blow to those who have already suffered great pain and loss." 

Tim and I could not believe this.  How can he say there is no Zero Tolerance policy in FCPS?  How dare he say this!  And who is he to talk about a "blow to those who have already suffered great pain and loss"?  Is he talking about us?  How would he know?  Since that awful day, when the Hearing Office knew we were not coming because Josh had killed himself, we have heard nothing.  There was no phone call or letter of condolence  Silence.  Nothing from the Superintendent's office or any other office at FCPS.  Nothing from our elected School Board member either.   This to us, is "unconscionable".  I suppose they thought it would be an admission of guilt and were afraid of opening themselves up to liability and litigation, which was the furthest thing on our mind at the time.

I believe they are linked.  How can I not think that when our son took his life the day before our second time to the Hearing Office?  I have re-read our experience with that office, posted within a week after his death and there is absolutely nothing I would change.  It is what happened.  And our questions remain the same.

There is a parent advocacy group that is asking questions and wants reform.  For our kids...every one of them.  I have read the comments on the recent Post article about this topic and while many understand this policy is hurting rather than helping our kids, there are others who don't.  Who find this to be another example of parents not accepting full responsibility for their own and/or their kids' actions; instead, pointing the finger elsewhere.  The honest truth is that "pre-Josh", I probably would have agreed.  Until it happened to us.  Until our son was caught up in the horrible, humiliating, degrading suspension/expulsion process.  Where he was considered guilty from the get-go.  There was no due process and nothing remotely fair or compassionate about it.  (Other comments about the Superintendent's response on TOP radio and on the RedAppleMom blog.)

What is "unconscionable" is that Superintendent Dale is not taking the steps to review this policy, whatever he chooses to call it, to determine if it is working.  Is it helping our kids?   It is also "unconscionable" that FCPS, despite repeated requests by parents for statistics regarding this policy, refuses to release what should be public information.

Back to the book.....

What does this pastor say to those who confess their desire to leave?

I do not tell them I know what "wanting to leave" feels like.  But I do tell them I know what it feels like to be left.  That my life hasn't been better since Bill left.  That it's been worse.  For a long time....worse.  Years of worse.  Then I say, "Look, I can't promise that things are going to turn around for you, turn up for you, or get better for you.  I think they are.  But if you can't see that, I can't force you to wear my glasses.  All I can say to you is this: When you reach the point where you can't come up with a single reason to stay alive one more day, then stay alive as a gift to somebody.  Maybe you'll tell them. Probably you won't.  But if you stay alive as a gift for one day, you may just be able to stay alive for two days.  Then who knows, maybe you can go for three."

I wish Josh could've heard these words.  Maybe it would have gotten him through that dark, dark night when he only saw one way out.

"Will To Live"

I don't know if it is just me, but every week, I hear or read about a heartbreaking story of another teen suicide.  I don't remember hearing very much "pre-Josh."  Were these tragedies always around, but I wasn't aware?  Did I see articles in the paper and just skim over them, thinking foolishly, "this does not apply to me?"  

This week, a family member sent Tim this link to a Boston Globe article about an ex-Red Sox player who is a "member of the saddest club on earth."  John Trautwein's son Will, age 15, took his life last October.  He sounds a lot like Josh,...he "had so many friends and he was big and strong and good-looking and popular."  And then the haunting words from the dad, "We really don't know."  What is left unsaid - the loudest word to parents like us: WHY?

They have started a foundation in his name called the Will To Live Foundation.  It is focused on getting "kids, teenagers and young adults involved in the fight against suicide."  The family's vision statement ends with this: "Quite simple, this community, your community cannot stand any more empty rooms!  Help us help out kids find the Will to Live and prevent teen suicide together!"

I agree with this approach.  In fact, my daughter and I have been talking about how best to use the money that has been raised in Josh's fund.  We have about $12,000 and while I feel guilty that it has not been deployed as yet, to find the right place has not been easy.  For we want Josh's fund to support local, school-based programs that provide awareness, education and prevention of teen suicide and it does not seem like Fairfax County Public Schools has programs of this nature.  As I wrote about in a previous post, many kids do not or will not talk to anyone about their problems.  This means, they are their own last line of defense.  In order to successfully fight the rising trend of teen suicide, we must get in front of the kids.

Because of another tragic suicide in our area, it may be that the Superintendent of Schools, Jack Dale is ready to acknowledge the issue and stand behind programs that would raise awareness of teen depression/suicide.  While he attempts to deny that FCPS has a Zero Tolerance Policy in this recent Statement to the Fairfax County Board of Supervisors, and calls the linking of Josh's and Nick's death to the county's disciplinary processes "unconscionable" (I can't even go there right now), at least he seems ready to tackle what we would like to see - programs that address the mental well-being of our youth.  (Update: article about this statement in today's Washington Post.)

I am inspired by what Will's parents are doing and agree with their words,  "If we save just one life, then Will's (or Josh's) legacy is forever."

Another Suicide in Fairfax County - Similar to Josh

Yesterday, this article appeared in the Washington Post.  My heart sank as I read the words, "The apparent suicide of a 15 -year-old high school football player in Fairfax County has sparked concerns about the school district's disciplinary policies, which critics say are overly punitive and often debilitating for students."  Oh no, not another kid!  Not another family!  Not another mother!  Poor, poor mother.  

The article says he is an only child.  My heart breaks even more.  Her son will be buried with his football shirt #45.  Josh was buried in his #33 South Lakes jersey - the one he is wearing in the picture on the right side of this blog. 

As I as reading through the article, I was steeling myself for it.  For when his death would be mentioned.  It was at the end.  "Noting the 2009 death of Josh Anderson, 17, who committed suicide as he awaited hearing on a second marijuana offense: One death was enough.  Not a second one."

I didn't cry when I read this article.  I just felt numb and empty.  And very, very sad - knowing the pain facing his parents - now and in the months to come.  No, the tears did not come until hours later;  after doing the laundry, going to the grocery store, working on a new blog for myself, a reading blog; after trying to sleep and not being able to, finally getting up to write in my journal - that is when it hit me.  Note: my thoughts below are raw and uncensored; right from my journal.

The poor family.  His poor friends.  Another kid - dead.  I don't know what to write or how I feel.  Why?  I should be feeling a lot with this but just numb.  Blank.  Why has my handwriting shrunk all of a sudden?  While I am writing this?  My mind and heart are blank.  School officials are not saying much or what they say is status quo.  I HATE FCPS AND THEIR POLICIES.  That kill - literally - kill or if not kill, they maim and destroy our children.  Teens who are not bad and evil - they're just dumb.  They are guilty of being dumb.  Doing stupid things.  Thinking they will not get caught.  They don't connect behavior and consequences.  Impulsive.   

I guess this is what I really feel - that if we didn't live here, would Josh still be alive?  That in my heart of hearts, I place a lot of blame on the Zero Tolerance Policy - which subjected our son to a humiliating, degrading interrogation by cold-hearted School Board Hearing Officers.  So horrible that he could not face it again. Then I turn to myself.   I BLAME MYSELF.  That I did not see his inner turmoil.  That I didn't help him cope.  That I wasn't there for him in the way that he needed.  That if someone else were his mother, maybe he would be alive.  I feel complicit with his death.  That my good wasn't good enough.  I am so sorry Josh.  I am so, so sorry.  

I couldn't write my usual letter to him today - maybe this is why.  I didn't make the effort to visit him today - maybe this is why.  I couldn't sleep - maybe this is why.  This is really what is going on - MAJOR GUILT.  And now that I've allowed my conscious mind to see and feel it - it is smothering me.  

I am guilty.  

I am not the mother he needed. 

I was not enough for him. 

I am the reason he is dead.

It was 2 am when I wrote these words.  The empty kitchen was witness to my refreshed grief.  And even when the words flew from pen to paper, I thought, "It is 2am.  You are tired, emotional and not thinking straight.  Better go to bed."  And I did.  For some reason, it is cathartic to purge myself of all crazy thoughts and feelings onto empty pages that don't speak back, try to reason with me and say that I am talking rubbish.  No, my journal pages just take it.   I went to bed feeling empty, drained and exhausted. 

Woke up thinking about the last sentence I wrote the night before.  Do I really think I am the reason he is dead?  No, of course not.  In fact, if I were awake that fateful night, I would have tried to physically restrain him from his fatal action.  He would've had to knock me out to continue with his plans.  

So I understand that he did this to himself.  But I do feel, in the depths of my soul, a guilt that cannot be shaken or reasoned away.   I remember reading something early on that struck me, but I found it hard to relate to.  Not any more.  In the book, My Son, My Son: A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss and Suicide, Iris Bolton writes about guilt:

Guilt is perhaps the most punishing stage of all.  I remember that first day sitting on my bed saying over and over, "What have I done wrong?  If only I had done more." My senses told me that I'd failed as a parent, failed myself, failed my son.  The word I used to describe my condition was foul.  Irrationally I thought I must indeed be foul for my son to prefer death to living with me and our family.  Guilt hits hard and flits in and out of other moods. 

I am lacking as a parent.  Or more specifically, as Josh's mother.  And I don't write this to solicit vehement comments to the contrary.  Everyone has a cross to bear and I think this is mine.  I can't absolve myself of this guilt.  For how could I not be found guilty when my own son chose to take his life?   

Suicide of a child means enormous guilt for the mother.   Any child.  Any mother.  Cause and effect.  One leads to the other.  It is what a mother unwittingly signs up for, once she has given birth to her baby. Or first holds an adopted child in her arms. It is a tragedy that you can never be prepared for, never expect to be part of your family history.  So when the nightmare occurs, when it really happens to you, the waves of shock and disbelief eventually gives way to guilt.  A guilt so large, it defies measurement. 

Tim sent me a link to another article in the FairfaxCityPatch called "Student's Death Opens Old Wounds."  The "old wounds" refers to Josh's death.  This will never be an "old" wound for me.

"One Strike, They're Out" - September 17, 2010

Two months ago, I shared in a previous post about being interviewed by a reporter for a local newspaper and how difficult it was. Well, the article came out on Friday. I hope that parents in our area will demand that the School Board reform the Zero Tolerance policy to one that would help our children, rather than hurt them.

16 months later - July 18, 2010

Yesterday was rough - unexpectedly. Tim and I met with a reporter from the Connection, a chain of local newspapers in our area. She is writing an article about the disciplinary process in Fairfax County Public Schools (FCPS) and has heard about Josh’s experience and subsequent death.

I was fine at the beginning. We talked about how Josh made a stupid mistake and because of the Zero Tolerance policy in the school system, was treated like he was a threat to the school which meant being sent to another high school for the first offense and most likely expelled completely for the second.

We do not condone what he did. But he was not a threat to the student body, of either school.

The FCPS hearing is a horrible experience, for both child and parents. Due process is non-existent; students are guilty as charged. No decision, upon appeal, has ever been overturned. Our question is this: "If the outcome has already been pre-determined, why go through the hearing process? The student is subject to a highly intimidating environment in which they are expected to answer a barrage of questions. It is a lesson in humiliation. To add insult to injury, there is no support, counseling, or assistance for the child and family, either before the hearing or after.

My words are strong, I know. But until your child gets caught in this net, you cannot even imagine the experience. Our three older children either did not violate school policies or were smart enough not to get caught, so we never had gone through this process. In fact, knowing what I know now, that Josh was not emotionally strong enough to handle the probable expulsion, I wish we decided to forgo the hearing, not even attend. What was the point? I should've protected our son from that type of sanctioned bullying.

We did not do this and the morning before the school board hearing, Josh took his life.

She asked if we received anything from the hearing office after the tragedy - a call, letter, or perfunctory condolence card and was surprised at the answer, "no". And to our knowledge, no study has been done either before Josh's death or afterwards to determine the effectiveness of this policy. This needs to be done. The tax paying parents of the County should demand it.

Then the reporter asked, "Would things have changed if Josh were treated differently?" Wow - that really hit me. My eyes filled with tears immediately. A minute later I replied softly as the answer is too difficult to face, much less hear aloud, "I don't like to think about it because it makes me angry and bitter. But yes, I think things would be different". Left unsaid: "Yes, he would still be alive."

With this next question, she was just trying to understand the timeline of events, not to send me in an emotional tail spin. "Would Josh have graduated this spring?" An innocent question with an easy answer but I had to get up and leave. My hand over my mouth to stop loud sobs escaping my lips, not wanting to make her feel bad. The grief washed over me anew.

It has now been 16 months since Josh's fatal decision. One might think that it has gotten easier with the passing of time. But grief does not travel in a linear fashion. In our experience, the connection between grief and time is better described like an archer's target, with concentric circles around a bulls-eye, representing Josh's death. Each circle around the center corresponds to a period of time, say a year. As time moves on, the distance to the circle increases but not by much. Meaning that any memory, word, song, thought, movie, photo or innocent question can bring back all of the emotions of that time. It is never far away. I know that five, ten or twenty years will bring some distance, but I don't think it will be that much.

I will end this post with two pictures that Gillian found recently. They were taken in 2008 as an assignment for her high school photography class. Any new pictures, especially ones taken when he is older, are priceless treasures.

Josh - we love and miss you.

God Bless

A Year Ago - Josh Was Still Alive

During the past few days, at various times, my mind starts and finishes this sentence. "A year ago, Josh was doing _____." Or "a year ago, we were doing _____." Remembering the last days that he was alive is tough and painful.

Last year, on Saturday, March 14, 2009, Josh took the SAT's at a high school in Loudoun County. He could not take them in Fairfax County as he had been suspended and could not set foot on Fairfax County Public School (FCPS) property. A few weeks after his death, his scores came in the mail. When I saw the envelope, it felt like someone had punched me in the stomach - another reminder of our loss.

How did he do? This is what is so baffling. As compared to the average SAT scores of college bound seniors in 2008, Josh scored as well in Writing (490 vs 494 ave.), better in Critical Reading (530 vs. 502) and much higher in Math (620 vs. 515). In fact, this math score was better than 80% of college bound seniors the previous year.

I only bring this up to say, how can a kid take a four-hour college entrance exam on a Saturday morning and be dead by his own hand only four days later? When I say that going over everything in my mind those last few days does not reveal any clues about the impending doom, this is what I mean.

A year ago today, Tim and I took Josh to see an attorney. Someone who "specialized" in youth incidences that involved the school system. We had a disheartening discussion as she confirmed what we had felt; this was Josh's second offense and in school system with a Zero Tolerance policy, two strikes meant out. We did talk about alternatives with the attorney so Josh knew we were already looking at other school options for him.

We drove in two cars as Tim had another appointment after this meeting. Josh drove back with me. It was a quiet ride. He put his chair all the way back and closed his eyes. What did I do? Bit my tongue so I wouldn't yell at him because I really wanted to. I was mad at him - for making dumb choices that got him (and us) in this situation. Mad that he did not learn from his mistakes. Mad that he was making a mess of things again. I didn't say anything because I knew he felt bad and sorry. And that if he could, he would've done anything to change the situation. In retrospect, I'm glad I kept my mouth shut for if I had yelled at him, I am sure the guilt would be exponentially worse.

But as I think back on this time, why didn't I say something else? To let him know it would be alright? That his dad and I would stick by him and help him any way that we could? That we would get through it together. That although it is horrible to be expelled from school, "this too shall pass". And that some good could come out of it. What really haunts me is this: could he have been thinking those dark and fatal thoughts at this time? During our silent car ride?

When we got home, he pulled himself together and actually completed four homework assignments. So again, why would a kid do this if he knew there would be no point? If he was certain that in 48 hours, he would be dead? You see, Josh was the type of person that if it was not going to make a difference, he would not do it.

So a year ago, Monday night, he was alive. We ate dinner and talked about the upcoming School Board Hearing which none of us were looking forward to. His counselor was going to attend and be an advocate as well as a buffer for Josh, in case the hearing officers became hostile, like they had done previously.

He seemed okay; albeit resigned to what was going to happen. We all were. Sometimes I think back to that dinner and ask myself - why didn't I just say, "Forget FCPS. We are not going to the hearing. We are not going to subject our son that that kind of treatment. We are going to figure it out without them." I would say and do this now. But back then, this option did not even enter my mind. I wish it had. Would he still be alive now?

"Hindsight is 20/20" is a true saying and in my case, a cruel one.

Tomorrow, Tuesday, a year ago, is the last day that Tim and I saw our beloved Josh alive.

Pictures of Josh on friend's cell phones

God Bless

Pictures of Josh: 5 - 6 years old

I've successfully scanned in two more years of negatives to my computer. What a monumental project this has become! Good thing I will not be hosting Thanksgiving as my dining room is now "Memorial Central".

This blog is a memorial too. In Louise DeSalvo's book, Writing As A Way of Healing, there is a section called, "Writing A Loved One's Dying". How apropos. A memoir is referenced, Heaven's Coast, written by Mark Doty about his lover's death from AIDS.

Making a record of Wally's life and death was a way for Doty to remember him, to hold onto him. Remembering, he says, "is the work of the living." It is what the living must do for the dead. Recalling faces and they way they look in all moods and weathers. Anecdotes that they tell and tell and tell again. Incidents that signify the shared life in all its variety - its ecstatic and banal moments. "Gestures, tics, nuances, those particular human attributes that distinguish us as individuals." Doty believes it is his duty to capture the singularity of Wally, to erect a monument of words to his partner. But Heaven's Coast is a testament, too, to Doty's love for Wally and to his loss and grief (188).

I can relate completely and this is how I feel about the blog. It is a web monument - being erected by each post, comment, photo, shared story and art work - in honor and memory of our Josh. It is also a testament to the love felt for him by family, friends and those who have never met him. This was articulated in a recent comment from a friend whom I have not seen for years, and who, because of what she has seen in this blog, cries not only for me but for him.

This blog is also a record of the tragic circumstances surrounding his death and a call for parents to question the effectiveness of the Zero Tolerance policy in many of our school systems.

It is reminder that the minds of our young people can be quite fragile. That sometimes, they are not as strong, competent and emotionally mature as they appear to be and need more support and protection than we may think.

It is with these thoughts in mind that I end this post with a slideshow of when Josh was five and six years old. Missing front teeth, Little League baseball, first day of kindergarten, Halloween, first (and only) trip to Disney, summer visiting both sets of grandparents in Oregon and on Cape Cod, Christmas.




Josh - we love you so much.
Rest in peace, our dear boy.

God Bless

May 6, 2009 - Week 7

It is hard to believe that seven weeks have gone by since Josh's passing. Some days are better than others and on the bad days, some hours are better than others. But not a day goes by where I don't shed a few or many tears for him.

What has helped Tim and I (and our family) get through each day is the love and support from so many. We are still receiving cards of sympathy, emails of encouragement, calls of support and even visits from old (time-wise, not age-wise) friends.

One of my best friends from high school left her husband and two kids in Chicago and came for a visit this past weekend. It was great to see her, catch up on life, talk, cry and just be together. We went to the cemetery and behold, Josh's stone that Tim and I had just seen and approved couple of days earlier - which was quite emotional - had already been placed in the ground. Once we saw this, we immediately went to the nearest Safeway where my friend bought the best lilies she could find for him.


Picking this stone for Josh was a family effort - our kids, my parents and close friends all helped as there were numerous decisions to be made: size of stone, lettering type, color, emblems, how the date should be written, etc. We saw designs that were fairly intricate - they can even take a photo of the deceased person and etch it into the stone! In the end, we all decided on something simple as this was the kind of kid that Josh was - nothing elaborate, nothing fancy.

I am happy with how it turned out.

I am getting good advice from my mom; she says that I need to keep some shears in the car with me so that I can trim the grass around the grave stone. I would not have thought about this - so many things that I never imagined myself doing - they are part of my life now. Regular visits to my seventeen year old son's grave, working to change the background of his junior year picture to match the high school graduation pictures of our three older children as all four portraits will hang on the same living room wall, trying to read books on suicide so I can attempt to make sense of what has happened, making contact with other mothers who have lost a child in this way to ask, "how did you deal with this?"

And along with these items that are now on my "to-do" list, I am back to doing what I did before because life goes on - despite feeling like a part of me has died and there is a large empty hole in my heart. One of Gillian's closest friends has been studying in Germany this past year and has invited her to travel around Europe for a few weeks in July. Details for this trip must be discussed and attended to. Lauren is graduating from the University of Virginia in less than two weeks and several family members are coming to celebrate with us. We are happily co-hosting a big graduation party in support of this accomplishment and the move to the "real world". Attention is required for this event. I am fully back to work which is a blessing - to be busy and occupied for 8+ hours is a good thing these days.

However, it is strange to be doing things that I did before, but do so as a completely different person - for Josh's passing has changed and impacted me like no other event could. I do not fully understand it, but I know it is true. I will have to ponder this and see if my mind can make sense of it. Or maybe it "just is" and no amount of analyzing will fully comprehend the impact of his death to my being.

There are other things that help us get through these difficult days. One of the most important things is this very blog. I've said this many times and will probably say it many more - it has been our lifesaver. It is amazing to us that as of today, there have been over 20,000 visits to the blog, 1,129 this past week and 142 today. We have not only been encouraged by the many comments, but also by the numerous emails and card/letters written to us in response to something that has been read.

A few weeks ago, we went to a gathering of Josh's freshman football team and coach. It was a very special Langley team as not only did they have an undefeated season, but handily outscored their opponents by 350 to 57!! (Please scroll down to "LHS Undefeated Season" to see more.) It was so special for Tim and I to be with this great group of guys, Coach Carter and several parents. A heartfelt "thank you" to the Pritchett family for hosting this evening. As Josh's mom, I was presented with a coach's shirt that was signed by all the boys - such a thoughtful momento.



We have also attended a gathering of parents and other adults interested in addressing the Zero Tolerance policy in Fairfax County Public Schools. A group has formed and is getting organized to bring this issue to much broader audience than just those families and students who have been directly impacted. We feel very strongly this is an issue that all FCPS parents need to understand as their own child could be adversely affected - despite all of the love, care, concern and teaching that goes on in the home. Kids will be kids. Stay tuned as a web site is being formed and if you are interested in being an advocate for the rights of your child, there will be ways to get involved.

We had the pleasure of renting a home in a wonderful neighborhood in this area over 10 years ago. There were many moms with young children at the time and it just so happened that a "Mom's Craft Morning" was started. Each week, we rotated who was hosting and while the kids played together, the moms spent time talking, eating, crafting, laughing, eating and talking. Since then, many of us have moved to other neighborhoods and have not really taken the time to get together. Until now. One of my dear friends hosted a dinner at her home and nine of us gathered - we did not do a craft, but we ate, talked, laughed and cried together. I have heard that many survivors of suicide can sometime feel isolated and alone due to a stigma that can be associated with this mode of death. We are so fortunate to not have experienced this in any way for to do so would be an added burden.

And most recently, we attended a fundraiser at the Buffalo Wings Factory in Reston on May 1st - please scroll down to that post for more information. As mentioned, $300 was raised! It was so successful that another night has been planned - Monday, May 18th which is the second anniversary month of "that" day. It will be good to be with others who knew and loved Josh, to tell stories and remember his funny and sometimes quirky ways. We are looking forward to it and hope many of you can come.

I feel I must apologize for the length of this post. It was intended to be fairly short and sweet, but when I sat down at the computer, the words just flowed. In and of itself, this is an interesting phenomenon as I have never considered myself a writer. I guess in this time period, for however long it lasts, it is one way that Josh has changed me.

God Bless.

Article in Washington Post - Sunday, April 5, 2009

Marc Fisher from the Washington Post sat down with us last week after hearing about the circumstances around Josh's death and finding this blog. His initial email to us said:

I am a columnist at The Washington Post and I have written frequently over the years about the devastating and unproductive impact of the zero tolerance policies in the Fairfax school system. I've been alerted to Josh's tragic story through your family's blog and I wonder if it might be possible to sit down with Josh's mother to talk about what happened and how this terrible experience might be an opportunity to put new pressure on the school system to reform its approach.

We agreed to meet with him because we do have questions regarding the zero tolerance policies in FCPS and the way Josh was treated as a result. For those who are new to the blog, please refer to the following post to understand the circumstances surrounding Josh's death.

His article ran in today's paper; it is on the first page of the Metro section.

There is a place to post comments on the article and I've had to make sure that I was ready to read them, as it is inevitable that many would not find any problem or issue with the zero tolerance policies in FCPS. Perhaps, not having been subject to the School Board hearing process with our other three children, we would've agreed.

However, for any parent who has had a child suspended with the recommendation for expulsion, and the subsequent treatment as if he/she were a hard-core drug dealer or someone who has brought weapons to school, our contention is that the policy of a "one-size-fits-all" does not do justice to our young adults and the resulting punishment does not fit the crime. One of our main issues that was not really brought forth in the article as much as we would've liked is this: Why aren't there varying degrees of consequences that are aimed at teaching our young people about their choices? Shouldn't expulsion be reserved for those kids who are a genuine threat to the school community? Why isn't this question being asked on the teacher/counselor evaluations?

It is too late for Josh, but not for other parents and teens who are reading this blog. I would urge you to post comments to his article and decide at the very least, to demand that the School Board provide statistics on the effectiveness of this policy. Once the stats have been disclosed, the parent community can then determine if the School Board should look at what, if any, revisions are necessary.

This is an important issue for all parents who send their children to FCPS, as despite our best efforts to raise kids to make good decisions, anyone with a teenager knows that they are their own person.

New Post

For those who are interested, we have a new post called "Our School Board Hearing Experience". If you are interested in reading it, please either scroll down the blog or go to
http://rememberingjosh.blogspot.com/2009/03/our-school-board-hearing-experience.html

Once again, thanks so much for all of your thoughts, support and prayers. It means more than you can know.

Josh's dad and mom

Our School Board Hearing Experience

This post is from Josh's Dad & Mom:

We have been so moved by the comments from all of you and are blown away by the number of people who are reading this blog. Our intent in this post is one of education - for those who have never gone through the suspension/expulsion process within Fairfax County Public Schools (FCPS). It is also to share our experience with those who have or are currently going through the process as we'd like to hear what your experience has been.

Langley HS (LHS)
On March 3, 2008, the Assistant Principal (AP) was monitoring the lunch period and noticed that Josh took food from the lunch line without paying for it. Josh was taken to another AP's office at which time a search was conducted of his backpack to see if there was any other food taken. They found an oval-shaped piece of screen and a small baggie containing substance that appeared to be marijuana. The School Resource Officer (SRO) took possession of the baggie and performed a field search and confirmed it was marijuana.

We were called and told that Josh was caught with possession of marijuana on school grounds which was a serious violation of the rules of conduct which meant an immediate ten-day suspension with a recommendation to the School Board for expulsion. (As you can imagine, we were both in complete shock). We went to the school and had a meeting with the AP, Josh and SRO. At first, Josh denied that the pot was his. He then amended his statement which I have posted below. He was allowed to get his belongings from both the school and gym locker, and then we left. I (Sue) took him immediately to an Urgent Care in Herndon for a drug test. The results of this test were negative, which means that he could not have used marijuana for the past 30-40 days as this is how long the drug stays in a person's system.

"I took a sandwich and milk from the cafeteria lunch without paying because at the time I had the idea and didn't tell myself not to. I deeply regret ever doing that; it was the wrong thing to do, and all just for a couple of bucks? When no one's looking I always still need to do the right thing. The bag of pot I bought from a guy after him and I hadn't finished smoking it about two weeks ago. The metal screen I had cut of somebody's glasses case with the intent of using it on a smoking device but I have never used it. Now more than anything I wish I hadn't bought it from that guy or smoked with him at all. I've been taking all the things in my life for granted, and now that it's all taken away: lacrosse, school, my friends, I'll do anything to get it back. It was the worst feeling walking out of my school knowing I might never come back; I wished that it wasn't happening to me, that it wasn't me taking that walk, but it was. All of these series of events are my fault and I have to take responsibility for every last bit of it. That comes with changing who I am; I have to have integrity and make the right choices, and I know I can if I'm given a second chance." Joshua Anderson

We received a letter from the Hearing Officer for the Superintendent that was dated March 11th that informed us that the hearing was to take place on March 24, 2008 at the FCPS administrative building, 21 days after the incident.

In the meantime, we were shuttling homework back and forth from LHS. They allowed quizzes and tests to come home so that he could take them under our supervision. The math teacher also recommended two students who came to our home and helped Josh keep up with the math work. (These two students came to our home after finding out about his death; I was so grateful to see them).

The hearing was attended by two Hearing Officers for the Superintendent, the AP who caught Josh, and the three of us. We were told that the hearing officers really do not like it when the family brings an attorney, so we didn't do this. The "expulsion packet" was what was in front of the officers and used as a basis for their questions. This packet consisted of the following items:

- one page student information form
- letters from the principal with the recommendation for expulsion
- photographs of the baggie with marijuana and screen as well the the contents of his backpack
- detailed incident report
- report from the other AP
- two of Josh's statements (initial and amended)
- attendance record
- grade report
- standardized test results
- Student Progress Report for Teachers Disciplinary Hearings (one for each teacher)
- Signed Student Responsibilities and Rights form (SR&R). Signed at the beginning of the school year.

We would like to share what is asked on the form that is filled out by the teachers.
- Academic strength and weaknesses
- Behavior
- Work habits
- Attitude and motivation
- Peer and adult relationships
- Disciplinary and academic interventions

We would like to the School Board to answer this question: Why aren't teachers asked this additional question: "Is this student a threat to the well-being of the school community?"

For those who have never been to a hearing, it is an experience that I wish you and your child would never have to endure. The AP did not say much except to relay the facts of the incident. We were told that the hearing officers would be asking Josh many questions and if he was slow to respond, or quiet, or non-communicative, it would not go well for him. This concerned us greatly as Josh was not a verbose young man; in fact, in front of any adult, including ourselves, he really mumbles and is quite difficult to understand.

The questioning started out in a reasonable way but as the meeting progressed and Josh was not showing forth the type of responses they wanted, it became more and more confrontational, which caused him to shut down even more. We did not feel good about Josh's chances after this meeting. In fact, Tim called one of the hearing officers the next day and said that he did not think they got the correct impression of Josh since he was so intimidated by the entire situation. The response back was basically that once Josh was caught on school property with marijuana, it was a done deal. So we take this to mean that it didn't matter what Josh said or did in the meeting; he was either going to another HS or he would be expelled.

On April 9th, over one month after the event, we received a letter saying that he would be allowed to attend South Lakes HS as a probationary student. There were several terms he was expected to adhere in this status, but I would like to post the paragraph that explained the extent of his relationship with LHS.

"Unless and until readmitted, Josh shall not be on the property or in the buildings of, or in the attendance of any activity (including, without limitation, social, athletic, or graduation-related), wherever located, involving Langley HS without the specific prior written permission of the Hearings Office. Any violation of this particular provision may lead to the imposition of further sanctions by the school administration or the filing of trespassing charges, or both. The proscriptions contained in this paragraph shall be applicable until such time as Josh reached 22 years of age or graduates from the high school, whichever shall last occur."

South Lakes HS (SLHS)
Josh began as a student at SLHS and was embraced by the administration and students. His football coach was particularly instrumental in ensuring that Josh was introduced to a number of teammates, which we appreciated so much at that time. He began a drug treatment program through the county and for various reasons, we made the move to a privately run program. He graduated from this program in November of 2008. He also successfully completed the SAFE program that was prescribed by the Juvenile Hearing Officer.

Unfortunately, almost a year to the date of the previous incident, Josh left school grounds with another student to have lunch at Taco Bell. They smoked a joint in the car on the way back, and were questioned by the AP while in the parking lot as to why they left school during regular hours. Upon exiting the car, the AP smelled marijuana and the SRO was called to assist. After searching their person, they conducted a search of the car and found a small container of pot, rolling paper and a piece.

Once again, we were called to get Josh as he was immediately suspended. His statement of this incident is below:

"I was found in the parking lot by the AP during lunch and because of the smell he decided to search the car and us and found weed and a piece. And I have been working hard at this, I can't believe I'm putting my parents through this now. They don't deserve this at all. I can't believe how selfish and stupid I've been. I really have been working on this I've been through the private counseling group and I've seen a psychiatrist regularly. I got extremely lazy and stupid. I've fully realized what has happened and what we are going to have to go through and I'm honestly going to try my hardest to fix this, help my parents, they haven't raised me to be like this in any way, I'm so scared for the future, this wasn't worth any of it at all. I've only recently been thinking I could make college football and I've gotten so excited about it and now everything's ruined and it wasn't worth it in any way. I've come to enjoy South Lakes. I was actually liking my teachers and classes and my coach. He helped welcoming me here at the beginning of football and made it more enjoyable. He's there so much for me and I can't believe I'm doing this to him as well. I had gotten it from someone who graduated from here last year I met one night and I'm not distributing marijuana or selling it, I was only sharing it with a friend. " Josh Anderson.

As last year, once Josh was suspended, he was grounded from everything; cell phone, car use, computer, I Pod, video games. He could only watch TV with us. We are parents who strongly believe that kids should have consequences for their behavior. We only allowed his girlfriend to visit each day.

We had decided to visit a lawyer that had experience with the County and the expulsion process. This meeting was on Monday, March 16th as the hearing was scheduled for Thursday morning, March 19th. We brought a copy of the expulsion packet that was sent to the Hearing Office by SLHS. The attorney asked Josh a few questions and basically told us that he would most likely be expelled from the County completely. If not, it would be the alternative school or the computer based learning program. She did not feel that he would be able to go back to SLHS or any other HS in the county. We then discussed other alternative for him; she suggested looking into private schools or a military school, which we just began doing. We also talked about the GED route, but in our minds, this would be only as a last resort. Another option we were pursuing but it probably would've been a dead end, was going to another county and enrolling him in school there. We did not have much hope for this as we heard that VA schools have the option and tend to uphold any suspension/expulsion decision from other VA School Boards. He rode back home with me and it was a quiet ride. He just put his seat back and looked out of the window. In hindsight, I should have told him, "no matter what, we will get through this." Why didn't I do this?

We never got to see what the County's decision would be as he took his life the day before the hearing.

This is our experience and we have many feelings about it. As mentioned in another post, the two people who are conducting the hearing had never met Josh before the first incident. The person in attendance from the school did not speak to Josh's character, overall behavior, or whether he was a threat to other students. Forgive me, but we thought this was the purpose of expulsion - to remove students that pose a real and genuine threat to the school community.

The fact that the hearing officer basically admitted that Josh's fate was sealed once he was found with marijuana in his possession begs this question: if this is the case, why the whole charade of the hearing? Why put parents and kids in this situation?

We have three older children that have successfully gone through FCPS; two are TJ graduates and one graduated from LHS. This situation was completely new to us and we were doing our best to navigate it by asking as many people as we could the same questions: what can we expect, how can we be best prepared for the hearing, what will it be like, etc. There was not one resource given to us by the county to help not only us, but our son with this process. It felt as if we had been placed on this fast moving train and we could not do anything to stop it. We felt completely helpless and at the mercy of, in our opinion, a very large, bureaucratic organization, with little or no compassion or concern for the well-being of our son.

Josh has violated the rules of conduct, we do not dispute this. However, he was treated as if he were a hard-core drug dealer. Why aren't there varying degrees of consequences for those that yes, make very poor decisions but would be clearly open to help, if given, by those in their school community?

Why isn't there an intermediate step before a child goes before the Hearing Officer for the Superintendent? As mentioned in a previous post, we would suggest that there should be a hearing with members of the school community: administrators, teachers, counselors, SRO's, etc. The child should have consequences: suspension, placed on probation, community service within the school, mandatory meetings with the counselor/school psychologist, meetings with the parents, etc. If the student had violated probation, then it would go to the School Board for consideration for transfer to another school or potential expulsion.

If a student exhibits a desire to attend college and is not a threat to the school community, we feel it is the County's responsibility not to expel the child, but to work with them and the parents so that they can succeed and have an opportunity for a future.

Now that he is gone, we write this in hopes that the Fairfax County School Board will look at their policies and consider what role their treatment of Josh may have had on his decision to take his own life.