April 18,2015: Six Years and One Month Later

We are now in our 7th year sans Josh. His absence is in the fabric of our lives, felt every day.

Today I made a spur-of-the-moment decision to get my hair cut. I told the receptionist to give me anyone who was available. When I walked in, a tall young girl met me. After chatting the usual, "how did I want my hair done?"etc., I sat down at her station and she asked about my T-shirt.

On the 18th of every month, it is my practice to wear a Josh shirt.  Today, I wore the black one that Gillian designed within a few months of his passing.

It turns out, she went to high school with Josh! And while she did not know him personally, she knew of him. After saying I was his mother, the compassion just poured out.

In my weekly letter to him, this is what I wrote:

She said you were a well-like boy and rattled off all the reasons why someone like you would NOT take his life: popular, good student, had everything going for him. And as I sit and write, it begs the question - the unanswerable question - of "why?"  

Why did you take THE route of no return? And as I look at your pictures, you were...are....a special soul, one that others do not forget. Why deprive the world of your light?  

I don't know...you probably don't know..... 

Of all days, it was an unexpected blessing to meet someone who remembered Josh. I take it as another sign that he still lives.  

RIP beloved son

Congratulations LHS and SLHS graduates

The past few days have been cloudy, overcast and rainy in the Washington DC area. But today is a beautiful day, with bright sunshine and blue skies, fitting for Graduation Day for the two high schools that our Josh attended.

Having gone through this with Josh's three older siblings, I think back to what it was like, and perhaps the feelings and thought bubbles in their minds. Amazement while getting dressed, thinking, "Wow, is it really here?" Bittersweet feelings: sad that one chapter of life is ending but excited (and a little scared) at what new experiences and friendships lie ahead. Jittery nerves while lining up with fellow graduates, waiting for the start of the ceremony. Pride when walking up to receive the hard earned diploma. Sheer joy when it is all over - surrounded by friends and family - hugs, handshakes and high-fives. Pictures, pictures and more pictures - causing twitching faces due to all the smiling. Off to family celebrations, then ANGP (all night grad party), then whatever is planned for the summer.

It is a special day for parents as well. I remember feeling many of the same things: relief and amazement that high school is over, thinking, where did the time go? Pride while watching them receive their diploma; happiness at seeing their joy. Congratulations to other graduates and families marveling at how these kids are all grown up, ready to embark on their futures, hoping that we have given them the tools to succeed. Wanting the whole week to be a special one: hosting family members, graduation parties, attending various events for seniors, volunteering at ANGP. It is their graduation, but it feels like that for us as well.

Admittedly, it has been a sadder than normal week for me as I can't help but think about what we would be doing if Josh were still alive. How different things would be. Another big event that he (and we) are missing out on.

One consolation, and it is a big one, is knowing that Josh has not been forgotten by his friends and the community. I've received a couple of emails which have touched us deeply.

I am the parent of a former classmate of Josh's (my daughter sat next to Josh throughout 6th grade at Forestville) and am also co-chair of this year's Baccalaureate at LHS for the Class of 2010. As you may remember from your older kids, Baccalaureate is an independent, interfaith, celebration of graduation with music, prayer, and reflection. We are all conscious that, in an ideal world, Josh would have been graduating with this class. As a result, one of the groups of performers have asked to dedicate their song ("Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley) to Josh. We recognize how hard this week in particular and want to let you know that Josh will be in everyone's hearts and prayers.

As high school graduation approaches, we want you and Tim to know that Josh will be in all of our thoughts. The seniors who were promoted from Forestville in 2004 will be having a kickball game and potluck dinner. As a group, we are planning a class contribution to Josh's memorial fund. Josh's blessed memory will always remain in our hearts.

While we were invited to both events and to the graduation ceremonies of both schools, it would be too difficult to attend. It is enough to know that he has been and will continue to be in the hearts of friends and classmates. I will end this post with pictures taken from a couple of yearbooks that we have received.

Inside cover of the 2009 McLean Mustang Yearbook

Half-page dedication in LHS yearbook

We appreciate so much what others have done to ensure Josh's memory lives on.

God Bless

Teammates Still Remember Josh

Over a year has passed since Josh left us on that fateful day, March 18, 2009. He was a gifted athlete and school was marked not so much by quarters passed, but sports seasons. He left us two days before the opening South Lakes lacrosse game. The boys played that Friday night with a man down on defense on the first play - in memory of him. We received pictures of that night which are posted on the blog.

He would be in his senior year. Another South Lakes lacrosse season has passed. I received an email with this note from a SLHS mom. It encourages us to know that our beloved son still lives in the hearts of his teammates.

My name is Meagan Church. My son, Jeff, is a student at South Lakes (sophomore) and I wrote to you last year shortly after Josh passed away. Jeff gave up soccer last year to try out for the JV LAX team. I thought it might be a mistake (I was afraid that he wouldn't make the team since he didn't have any experience) but I supported his decision to try. Since all of the players started out together Jeff had the opportunity to meet Josh. Jeff was impressed that an older, "cool" guy would be nice to the younger, newer players like Jeff. Jeff played on JV last season.

This season Jeff started on JV but was moved up to Varsity for several games. When the season ended I opened up Jeff's LAX bag to clean things. Right away when I unzipped the bag I noticed the letters "JA" on Jeff's helmet. I was thinking JA, JA, JA... then I remember that the players had put Josh's initials on their helmets to honor him.

I took this picture to share with you. I hope that you don't mind. You know how dirty, wet and sweaty these boys get. It was clear to me that the initials were not faded--someone had to have taken the time to go over them again--they were clear and the ink was dark. I asked Jeff about it and he said that all of the helmets are that way. It's obvious that the players missed and honored your son in every game they played. I'm proud that my son had the chance to wear a helmet with Josh's initials on it.

Josh - I wish you knew what an impact your short life on Earth has had on so many people. Rest in peace, my beloved son. Know that you are still missed by family, friends and teammates. We all wish with all of our hearts that you could have found another way.

God Bless

Memories: Like Priceless Treasures

About two weeks after Josh died, a singing group at his high school, the South Lake Singers performed a moving song called Prayer of the Children at the SingStrong competition, which they dedicated to our son. (Click here to view the YouTube video on a previous post.)

A few weeks ago, I received an email from one of the singers who has since graduated and gone to college. With permission, both the email and essay are below.

"Although Josh and I were not close friends, I am good friends with many of the people that love him dearly and the few times that I did hang out with him I was always struck by how kind he was to everyone and in every situation. I regularly read your blog and keep your family in my thoughts. I am now in college, and for my freshman writing seminar my first assignment was to write a personal narrative. There were no constraints to the assignment, and with a lifetime of experiences behind me I did not know what to write about. So I sat down at my computer and just began to write, and the words that followed surprised me. I ended up writing about my experience performing "Prayer of the Children" with South Lakes Singers at SingStrong and your son. I know that the words I chose could never do him justice, and a stranger reading my paper would never understand just how wonderful he is and how much he did for the world, but I decided to share it with you so you would know that he touched and changed the people that were even on the very outskirts of his life."

I remember standing on that stage and experiencing the overwhelming feeling of unity. All of our heartbeats were suddenly one and we felt the steady beat pulsing through our connected fingers. It’s as if we were all tied together by one string; sixteen people who come from completely different places emotionally, mentally, and physically, that were suddenly all the same. We came together for one cause and we made our message clear.

I loved the time of day when I would get to put away my notebooks and binders, stand on the risers and hear the sounds of music circling all around me. There was nothing like singing to make me forget about anything real going on in my life and just let me focus on the intricate details of music. To feel the harmonies and dynamics take me away into a different world so separate from anything going on in my real world was a release I looked forward to each day. During my senior year of high school, my choir started working on a very memorable piece called “Prayer of the Children” by Kurt Bestor. It is so incredible and overpowering, the first time we heard it my teacher played it over the loud speakers in our class room and the music pushed through the whole room, threatening to make the walls expand. The voices jumped out of the speakers towards us, bringing with them the emotion of the whole song. After hearing the piece, I was thrilled to be able to try our hand at performing it, but I didn’t know if we would ever be able to match the intense passion with which the recorded choir sang. We had many excellent performers in my choir, but emotional connection is something we had always struggled with. We were good at singing the correct notes with the correct rhythms, but conveying the emotion and overall message of a song was foreign to most of us. We had never experienced the things that many songs are about like loss, heartbreak, or intense grief and we didn’t know how to find that place within ourselves where we would be able to fabricate those emotions to replay them through the song. Every class our teacher would try to get us to connect and understand what the true meanings of the lyrics we were singing were, but we were never able to reach that point on our own.

During my senior year of high school, a great tragedy struck my community. A beloved, talented, and incredible boy took his life very suddenly. Never in my life have I seen people so open with their emotions. To see football players break down and cry was heartbreaking but very connecting at the same time. This was, and remains, a very sad experience, one of the saddest things I’ve experienced in my life, but I strongly believe that everything happens for a reason and I knew that we would all be able to find a way to learn from it. To see everyone’s grief plainly expressed all over their faces shows how important Josh was to them as a friend and to our community as a whole. Nobody was ashamed to admit that losing Josh was a painful thing, and this reminded us all that even if it is not expressed every day, there are always people in our lives that care about us. He reminded us that even in the deepest and darkest shadows of life, we have to remember that those shadows wouldn’t be there if there was no sunlight to create them.

After Josh passed away, everyone was distraught. He was truly one of the most strikingly kind people I have ever met, and I know that he left a positive impression on everyone. He was an amazing athlete, helping our team score touchdowns every game but more significantly always keeping up a positive attitude in everything he did. To say it was shocking to find out Josh would no longer be flashing his quirky smile in the hallways is an understatement, he is missed every single day. There are clearly things we did not know; things he was aching to be helped with, things he was struggling with so hard internally. Josh’s struggle gives meaning to the lyrics:

“Can you hear the prayer of the children?

On bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room

Empty eyes with no more tears to cry

Turning heavenward toward the light”.

He gave our song a meaning.

The choral program at my high school was awesome and my teacher worked so hard to ensure that we had every opportunity available to us. Because of her efforts we were able to host the East Coast A Cappella summit, an amazing event that invites professional a cappella groups from all over the world to perform and raise money for Alzheimer’s research. Every year there is a high school competition and the winner gets to open the big show on Saturday night. It is very competitive and a huge honor for the winner to be able to stand on the same stage as legendary professional groups. My choir was preparing “The Prayer of the Children” for the summit, but after Josh passed away we questioned whether something as mundane as a choir performance was appropriate during a time of such struggle. We didn’t know if we would be able to get through it, just a week after the passing of someone who was a great friend to many of us. The words are incredibly moving:

“Can you feel the hearts of the children?

Aching for home, for something of their very own

Reaching hands, with nothing to hold on to,

But hope for a better day a better day

and are so central to Josh’s struggle, and for one of the first times we were finding an unavoidable connection between our music and our lives. Even in a time of intense sorrow and emotional pain we understood that maybe our connection to the meaning of the music could be a small way to help us deal with the passing of Josh.

Standing on the stage wearing black with Josh’s number 33 painted across our chests, gave us a physical reminder of what we would never forget: what experience brought meaning to our song. In that moment on that stage I felt like part of something bigger. In light of such a huge and devastating loss that could never be replaced, we were also creating something. A connection among us and with our audience through our music-through the powerful words, the raw emotion, the crisp rise and falls of our voices as they went from loud to soft that made goosebumps rise up on the arms of all sixteen of us singing our hearts out. And that’s literally what we were doing-letting everything go from that terrible week and finding solace in the message of the music. We all felt our voices join in the air with the loss, the anger, the grief, and our need for Josh, but in that air we also found our strength. Together we would be okay by uniting ourselves in the music and for the first time feeling a connection that not only transformed our performance of the song, but brought us together in all of our times of need.

During that performance, we sang ‘Prayer of the Children’ for the first time without a physical conductor standing in front of us guiding us through the piece. We just stood there, sixteen people who come from completely different places emotionally, mentally, and physically, that were suddenly all the same. As we all lined up on the stage and clasped hands we were ready to show what we were learning from the harsh reality we were plunged into and how it gave meaning to the words we had previously sung so mindlessly over and over again. There was no cue to start, we all just knew. We felt the music within each of us because the song was no longer just a song. It was a message, it was a connection, it was Josh.

I am so grateful that Josh's friend took the time to share this with us. Any memory of our beloved Josh is a priceless treasure - stored in my heart forever.

God Bless

A Post Dedicated to Josh's Friends

Josh’s friends have shown such love, kindness, generosity, openness, warmth and affection to Tim and I since the passing of our beloved son, I just had to dedicate a post to them. Their acts of kindness over the past four months have done much to ease our constant pain and anguish since that fateful day.

I have to admit, I did not think so highly of teenagers prior to all of this. Having gone through the “teen years” with our three older kids and in the midst of it with Josh, my descriptions would’ve been more like the following: self-absorbed, cocky and arrogant, argumentative, non-compliant, sullen, unopen, only want to be with friends, ungrateful for family, etc. etc. While these descriptions may have been true in part with our son, I am seeing that he was a completely different person with his friends. I now feel blessed to have been witness to and recipient of another side of these young people and have learned much from them.

As I have mentioned in a previous post, these kids have networking skills that far exceed anything I have. Through Facebook and text messaging, it was incredible how quickly the student body at both high schools found out about Josh’s death which happened on a Wednesday morning. By that afternoon, the first group of kids arrived with bouquets of flowers as offerings of sympathy. Josh's best friend lives in Georgia. As soon as he heard the news, he and his family jumped in the car and were at our home the next day, after driving through the night. During the following two days a steady stream of kids came to pay their respects and the first couple of lessons were learned.

The "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" way that I can view relationships is not the way of these kids. Even though Josh had not been part of the Langley high school student body for a year, it was as if he had never left. The number of these friends that came over was staggering. There were some close friends that were so affected, they did not go to school for the rest of the week. Others were very upset when the school administration did not have a moment of silence the next day for Josh. They organized a "black out” and made sure photos were taken of everyone who participated. Apparently there were so many kids that they had to take two pictures in the school gym.

The outpouring of love and support from the South Lakes high school students was equally overwhelming. Josh had been there less than one year and yet these kids treated him as if he had been there from the start. The lesson here is that it does not need to take me a long time to develop friendships that go beyond the superficial.

Two days later, on Friday, there was ”a black out” at this school, with hand-painted shirts reflecting his nickname, "Jushua" and football number, 33. The varsity lacrosse players dedicated the game to him that night by playing a man down on defense for the first play and by putting his initials "JA" on their helmuts and some on their faces. I remember the captain of the team sitting in our living room, telling us of the plan and Tim and I were touched and amazed.

One fellow football and lacrosse teammate will forever remember our son as he got a tattoo on his calf with Josh's name and date of death. This along with two other tattoos can be seen in the "Original Art" section on the right side of the blog. Josh's best friend mentioned above got the large one on his back and the small JLA was received by Josh's sister.

We heard that one baseball player at South Lakes decided to change his jersey to number 33, despite being badly stained - he didn't care because it was Josh's number.

We received a packet of beautiful cards made by fellow students in Josh's business management class along with this letter from their teacher: "The first day back after this tragedy, there were several reactions in my class. A few students, especially those that knew Josh well, stayed home from school. Others were just in a daze. I wanted to take their lead as to what we did in class...no one was really focused. I told them that they could write a letter to your family if they wanted to and that I would mail it to you. Some, as difficult as it was, courageously wrote a card."

The graphics, words and pictures were thoughtful and beautiful. For example, one card said, "When you lose a loved one, you gain an angel whose name you know". I don't know these kids and I don't know how well they knew our son, but it was very touching to have received their condolences in this way.

As early as the next morning after Josh's death, when we were planning the funeral service, it became clear to us that many students from both high schools were going to come and pay their last respects. Thanks to the wonderful work by the funeral home director, we were able to secure a large church that seated 1,500 people. On the day of the service, the numbers of kids that came far exceeded our expectations. It is a true testament to their desire to come and support the memorial service of their friend. As far as I could see and from what we heard from others who attended the service, there was not an empty seat anywhere.

The funeral director also told us that he would need a number of pictures by 8am the next morning. These photos would be part of a printed tri-fold” and slideshow for the service. Also a photo would need to be designated as the primary one - to be used for the large portrait. We had many pictures of Josh's younger years and thanks to my friend who gave us photos taken during a recent trip to Maine, we had great pictures of when he was older. What were were missing were pictures of his football season, one of which we hoped could be the main photo. By Thursday night, we had them all - thanks to Josh's girlfriend's best friend, who was on the South Lakes yearbook committee. These girls went back after school, accessed the yearbook computer and found pictures that we could use, including the one on the front of the tri-fold and on the side of the blog.

On the day of the service, other surprising gifts were received as well. We heard of a football that was brought and signed by his Langley teammates for the expressed purpose of being placed in the casket with Josh.

I had mentioned the day before to a group of kids that were in our home that I did not have many pictures of Josh in high school. Lo and behold, on the day of the service, three girls from Langley HS came to me with a CD of photos that had been taken during an art class in Josh's sophomore year.

Another young lady came with a pencil drawing that she had done of Josh. This really blew us away as it must have taken her hours to make. You can see this and many of the other items created in Josh's memory by his friends in the "Original Art" section on the right side of the blog.

Facebook - I know of at least three groups that have been created in Josh's memory. It was this next story that really gave me the idea of creating a blog. I heard from the kids that many were posting on Josh's facebook wall right after hearing about his passing. I said something like, "Wow, I wish I could see those" and the next day, one young lady came over with a print out of all of the postings complete with cover page (picture of Josh) and dedication written by herself - all in a presentation binder. To say that I was moved would be an understatement as she must have stayed up most of the night to get this done. Since I am not a Facebook user, at least not yet, I wanted to have a way to keep up with Josh's friends - thus this blog.

It has become what I had hoped. A quick scroll through the posts will show that much of the content has come from Josh's friends, either directly or indirectly.

The idea of have a fundraiser for Josh's memorial fund at the Buffalo Wings Factory came from a South Lakes football teammate who was working there at the time.

Just two days after his death, this slideshow was created by one of his friends to "help his memory live on".

In a singing competition less than two weeks afterwards, we heard that the songs were performed in dedication to Josh.

Other pictures of Josh and friends on the bus and hanging out at the Apple store were supplied - giving us a picture of another side of our son.

An original poem showed me that these kids are grieving his loss, just as we are.

One of the sweetest things was received just one week later. In the original picture at the top of the blog, Josh's arm had a small bruise on it. Someone who actually did not know Josh very well, retouched the photo to remove the bruise and emailed it back. This was placed on the blog immediately - I will never forget that small act of kindness.

When the girl's lacrosse teams from the two schools met for the first time after his passing, hair ribbons for both teams with Josh's initials were made by the Langley girls and given out. Our hearts were moved when we heard this story and received the photos.

On the Mother’s Day post I had shared how a couple of Josh's teammates had come over for a BBQ lunch and talk. Since then we have had several others visit with us and a couple of them have gone to Josh's grave site with me. I have also received fairly lengthy emails from friends at both schools. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be in touch with Josh's friends either by visit, via email or posts on the blog. For some reason, it matters very much to me that Josh is not forgotten. Their stories and memories of Josh are ones that I cherish and are giving us a picture of our son that we would not know of otherwise. They are asking me very good questions, are willing to answer mine and I am finding it helpful as they share their own perspective of Josh's death and how they are handling it.

Our family has been thrust on this journey of grief, not by our own choice but by that of our son. Why we got here will never be understood, but one day will need to be accepted. I am finding solace that we are not alone in this journey as evidenced by this post.

To all of Josh's friends who continue to think of him and our family, our heartfelt thanks.

God Bless

Wings 2 and T-shirt Fundraiser - May 18th

Thanks to all who came to the 10% fundraiser today at the Buffalo Wing Factory. There were some logistical issues, however we are hopeful that many of the receipts that were rung up today will be used.

As many of you know, today is the 2nd anniversary month of Josh's passing. It was a very sad day for me - perhaps I will write more on another post - so it was really great for Tim and I to be with Josh's friends tonight.

Additionally, the T-shirts that Gillian designed have come in (please scroll down to see the post). Thanks to everyone who ordered a shirt ($13 each). Because we placed an order of 60 shirts, the actual cost of the shirt was $9.38 so everything over this will be donated to Josh's fund.

If you would like to have a shirt, please let me know. If there are enough people who are interested, we will place another order. You can email me at jandermom@gmail.com with your size (YS, YM, YL, YXL, S, M, L, XL, XXL).

Here are pictures of both fundraisers.




I will conclude this post by sharing about something special that we received tonight. A couple of moms from the South Lakes LAX team put together a wonderful gift for the players - a deck of playing cards with the senior player's photos. What was very touching for us was the addition of a memorial card with Josh's picture and the following inscription on the back:

Josh,
We will never play our best hand without you.
We will never again be a full deck.
You will forever be missed and always remembered with love.

"One Love"
Your friends and teammates,
SLHS 2009
Varsity Lacrosse

A very special "thank you" to Barbara Shinrock and Christine Stout for including our son in this unique and special gift for the boys and giving it to us tonight.

God Bless

SLHS vs LHS Girls Varsity LAX Game

Three of Josh's friends from Langley HS, Elspeth, Natalie, and Sarah made ribbons for both the South Lakes and Langley teams for their lacrosse game. The ribbons had Josh's number and initials on them.




Thank you girls, so much for doing this and emailing the pictures.

If anyone would like to share additional photos, please email them to me at emilyanderson5 at gmail dot com

Songs Performed in Dedication to Josh

Tim and I went to a gathering of South Lakes students on Sunday, organized by Josh's assistant football coach, who has quickly become a good friend. We heard that on Saturday, March 30th, there was a Sing Strong A Capella Summit at SLHS. Two of the student groups performed and dedicated their song to Josh. We were so touched to hear this and requested a video of the performance.

Prayer of the Children performed by the South Lakes Singers of Reston, VA opened the professional show and took first place.








Can you hear the prayer of the children
on bended knee, in the shadow of an unknown room?
Empty eyes with no more tears to cry
turning heavenward toward the light.
Crying," Jesus, help me
to see the morning light of one more day,
but if I should die before I wake,
I pray my soul to take."
Can you feel the hearts of the children
aching for home, for something of their very own.
Reaching hands with nothing to hold onto
but hope for a better day, a better day.
Crying," Jesus, help me
to feel the love again in my own land,
but if unknown roads lead away from home,
give me loving arms, 'way from harm."
(oooooo la la la la etc etc.)
Can you hear the voice of the children
softly pleading for silence in their shattered world?
Angry guns preach a gospel full of hate,
blood of the innocent on their hands.
Crying," Jesus, help me
to feel the sun again upon my face?
For when darkness clears, I know you're near,
bringing peace again."

Dali čujete sve dječje molitve?

Can you hear the prayer of the children?

Stand by Me Medley and Promise performed by South Lakes Mens A Capella Chorus (SMAC). They took second place. You will see on the video that the boys had Josh's number, 33, on their shirts.

Soloists: Yoan N'Komba, Steven Meyers, and Will Johnson. Promise performed by Yoan N'Komba with help from Steven Meyers. Yoan N'Komba took best male solo vocalist.





We are so grateful for the continued love, support and remembrance of our beloved son.

SLHS blackout and LAX game: March 20, 2009

South Lakes HS blackout and LAX game that was dedicated to Josh.