Please use this blog to help us remember Joshua Lee Anderson, who made the tragic and fatal decision to take his life on Wednesday, March 18, 2009. Please post any memories or thoughts you may have in the comments.


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day 2009

First, I'd like to wish all the mothers out there a very Happy Mother's Day.

Second, many thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers sent my way today. As well, I've received calls, cards, gifts, flowers, and visits where many, including my husband and children have said what all moms hear on Mother's Day, "you're such a great mom". I confess that I don't feel worthy of this and don't really believe it as how can a "great mom" have a son who decides to end his life and in effect, leave her? So in spite of all of the encouragement, today was very hard.

Yesterday, two of Josh's best friends from Langley came over for lunch, a real treat for Tim and I. To stay in contact with his friends is something that we would like to do as somehow, it keeps us connected with Josh's life outside of our home.

We sat outside, talked, reminisced about memorable "Josh" football plays, got caught up with their lives and eventually got around to talking about their feelings about Josh's death. Now, whenever I talk to someone who knew Josh, I ask, "what did you think when you found out? Were you surprised or maybe not? Did he say anything to you that might have indicated what he was thinking?"

With these questions, I hold out hope that there might be some answers. That someone can resolve what is currently so unresolved that it makes it very hard for me to move on. With every passing day, it becomes more unbelievable and incomprehensible that Josh did this to himself. I cannot think of issues and factors big enough to warrant his decision to ultimately fulfill what suicide is called: "a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

There were no answers - the boys were as shocked as anyone else when they heard the news. No indication. No warning. No idea.

I find this to be one of the most challenging things about this mode of death - that unless a very detailed note is left (not the case with Josh), the surviving family members are left to wonder, guess and play detective as to what happened and why. No one will ever know as all of the answers are now inaccessible.

Today, we met my parents at Josh's grave site before going to our brunch. They had arrived at the cemetery before we did. Josh's grandma put fresh flowers in the vase and cleaned his stone. They both like how it turned out.



The leaves on all of the trees have come out - including "Josh's tree". Tim is working on untangling one of the wind chimes. It is amazing what happens in the spring - last week, the tree was still bare.



Another wind chime has been added to the tree. A special "thanks" to Roxanne, who etched "One Love JLA" to the heart at the top and added a Bob Marley picture at the bottom. This song was special to Josh and was played at his service.





As I am sure is the case with all the other moms out there, I received cards from my children. The notes are tender and sweet as they are aware of how difficult this Mother's Day would be for me without Josh. To end this post, I'd like to share with you what Gillian gave to me.

Tim has given her the nickname, "Little Miss Hallmark" as through the years, she has always given handmade cards with beautiful and original poems. I received one such card this morning. She intended it to be from her alone, but the thoughts would not come. So she changed her mind and once decided the card would be from her and Josh, the words flowed and below is the result.


Mom

We praise you for your love
and we love you for your care
we pray from here and up above
us two, your little pair

we pray that you will know
the way you've touched our hearts
we wish your sorrow and your woe
will not make you feel apart

we could ask for nothing more
than to spare you from your pain
we know your heart is sore
and happiness is hard to feign

but remember the good days
and the smiles and the laughs
you never ceased to amaze
this I speak on both our behalf's

I know you cannot truly see
what my other has to say
but this I can guarantee:
he loves you, and we'll all be okay.


God Bless

8 comments:

Biggie-Z said...

Sue,

My heart aches for you. Josh knew he was loved by many every single day of his life. You made sure of that - we all did. My heart breaks all over again when I think of how deep his despair must have been to think that all that love couldn't help him get through this rough time in his life.

But don't you dare for a moment think that says anything about you as a mother. The lesson (one of many I take from this) is to take the time every day to say "I love you" to the people I love.

I love you.

Anonymous said...

Sue,

When i woke up sunday mothers day morning.. the first person i thought of was you and i prayed for you because i knew it was going to most likely be a hard day full of emotions and i am so glad Gillian wrote you that card... That poem was brilliant!!

I am looking forward to seeing you and Gillian next weekend if you guys are in town
I love you,
Keep looking for those encouraging signs :)
Tami

Anonymous said...

Hi Mrs.Anderson,
I have never met you but I just want to tell you how much i admire you for writing this blog. I have been reading your posts as i have heard about Josh's death throughout the community. This was such a terrible thing to happen but i am always so inspired each day by the fact that you have stayed so strong and turned to God in such an amazing way. There is quote that says "Everyone dies, but not everyone truly lives." I really think that Josh touched so many and was one of those lucky few that truly lived his life to its fullest potential. He may have had a short time on Earth, but touched more people than most do in their entire lifetimes. I hope remembering this gives you some peace. I am praying for you every day and hope that you have a good week.

Anonymous said...

Mrs. Anderson & Family,

I've never met you berfor but I have something to share with you. I know this message is long overdue and to be quite honest I am not sure why I haven't commented on your blogs. This website is beautiful and the amount of support the community seems to offer is tremendously heartwarming. I read your posts weekly, and I admire all of the stories, photos, and memories shared. Several times you have mentioned that your family is constantly looking for signs from Josh that he is with us today and I just wanted to share a quick story.

Over Spring Break I was in Hawaii and one night we went to a restaurant where they had live entertainment and they played Somewhere over the rainbow and right after that One Love Followed. I was amazed at this coincidence at first, but the second night at the hotel's happy hour the same thing happened-both songs were played consecutively by 2 men on a ukelele. I knew then Josh was with us. I remember reading about your story when you saw the blue jersey #33 on tv and I hoped you would appreciate this.

God Bless you, your family, and of course Josh. May his soul rest in peace and may he forever remain in our hearts

Anonymous said...

Andersons,
I'm constantly praying for you guys as well! Gillian's poem was so beautiful. Mrs. Sue, you and Gillian, truly have a talent for writing. I feel that everything that you have written on here has been perfectly written.

Like the person above me, I realized something that made me remember Josh too. One day I was in my car and I looked over at my purse and realized that on the front of it, it said "One Love" on it and I immeditately thought of Josh and your family.

I'll be always praying for you guys! :)

Josh's mom said...

To those who shared the two comments above - thanks so much! Tim and I have talked about the Hawaii story - definitely not a coincidence that the two songs were played back-to-back, two days in a row! There are a few other stories of "Josh signs" that I've heard. Might be interesting content for a new post!

Thanks again,
Josh's mom

Anonymous said...

Dear Tim and Sue and Gillian,
What a beautiful Mother's Day card! Gillian, that was so thoughtful of you!

My family's hearts and prayers go out to you as the days pass by. We admire you for your strength (and will admire you as well when you feel weak). You have always inspired me and still are. Much love,

Leslie

Roxanne said...

Sue,
For two weeks leading up to Mother's Day all I could think of is how hard the day would most surley be for you. I wanted to come and see you so badley from the wedding but the time of my flight out was too early to allow me to get to DC and back in time. I would find myself talking to total strangers about you and tears would stream down my face. I find this happening often these days.

I want you to know that you are in my thoughts and in my constant prayers.

I have looked everywhere for a wind chime that had Bob Marley on it. Finally, I decided to make the "One love" one for Josh's tree. I hope in some small way that you feel supported and loved. Even though I could not be there with you in person...my heart is there with you.

I hope to be able to see you soon.

One more thing...I have seen you mother your children since I met you over 20 years ago. Sue, your love for your children is always obvious! I remember so many times seeing you hug Josh and express your love. No words are right...nothing can take away the feelings in your heart. But yet, I Still want to share these words with you.

All my love Roxanne