Mother's Day 2009

First, I'd like to wish all the mothers out there a very Happy Mother's Day.

Second, many thanks for all of the thoughts and prayers sent my way today. As well, I've received calls, cards, gifts, flowers, and visits where many, including my husband and children have said what all moms hear on Mother's Day, "you're such a great mom". I confess that I don't feel worthy of this and don't really believe it as how can a "great mom" have a son who decides to end his life and in effect, leave her? So in spite of all of the encouragement, today was very hard.

Yesterday, two of Josh's best friends from Langley came over for lunch, a real treat for Tim and I. To stay in contact with his friends is something that we would like to do as somehow, it keeps us connected with Josh's life outside of our home.

We sat outside, talked, reminisced about memorable "Josh" football plays, got caught up with their lives and eventually got around to talking about their feelings about Josh's death. Now, whenever I talk to someone who knew Josh, I ask, "what did you think when you found out? Were you surprised or maybe not? Did he say anything to you that might have indicated what he was thinking?"

With these questions, I hold out hope that there might be some answers. That someone can resolve what is currently so unresolved that it makes it very hard for me to move on. With every passing day, it becomes more unbelievable and incomprehensible that Josh did this to himself. I cannot think of issues and factors big enough to warrant his decision to ultimately fulfill what suicide is called: "a permanent solution to a temporary problem".

There were no answers - the boys were as shocked as anyone else when they heard the news. No indication. No warning. No idea.

I find this to be one of the most challenging things about this mode of death - that unless a very detailed note is left (not the case with Josh), the surviving family members are left to wonder, guess and play detective as to what happened and why. No one will ever know as all of the answers are now inaccessible.

Today, we met my parents at Josh's grave site before going to our brunch. They had arrived at the cemetery before we did. Josh's grandma put fresh flowers in the vase and cleaned his stone. They both like how it turned out.



The leaves on all of the trees have come out - including "Josh's tree". Tim is working on untangling one of the wind chimes. It is amazing what happens in the spring - last week, the tree was still bare.



Another wind chime has been added to the tree. A special "thanks" to Roxanne, who etched "One Love JLA" to the heart at the top and added a Bob Marley picture at the bottom. This song was special to Josh and was played at his service.





As I am sure is the case with all the other moms out there, I received cards from my children. The notes are tender and sweet as they are aware of how difficult this Mother's Day would be for me without Josh. To end this post, I'd like to share with you what Gillian gave to me.

Tim has given her the nickname, "Little Miss Hallmark" as through the years, she has always given handmade cards with beautiful and original poems. I received one such card this morning. She intended it to be from her alone, but the thoughts would not come. So she changed her mind and once decided the card would be from her and Josh, the words flowed and below is the result.

Mom

We praise you for your love
and we love you for your care
we pray from here and up above
us two, your little pair

we pray that you will know
the way you've touched our hearts
we wish your sorrow and your woe
will not make you feel apart

we could ask for nothing more
than to spare you from your pain
we know your heart is sore
and happiness is hard to feign

but remember the good days
and the smiles and the laughs
you never ceased to amaze
this I speak on both our behalf's

I know you cannot truly see
what my other has to say
but this I can guarantee:
he loves you, and we'll all be okay.

God Bless