October 18, 2015: Six Years and 7 Months Later - Patriots fan

I've been writing faithfully on this blog for the past 6+ years so why has it been three months since the last post?  I guess because it felt like I didn't have anything to say: the glass was empty, the still had run dry, there was nothing within to share.  This blog has been the recipient of enormous feelings that seem to have petered out. That is not to say there aren't moments of intense grief/sorrow that arise without provocation and re-open the still painful wound but they are now far and few between.

I never thought that peace and calm would ever come, not in a million years.  Perhaps it has been a result of an intense, inner spiritual journey that I find myself on and for some reason does not seem appropriate to share on this blog. This journey has led to an acceptance and reconciliation of Josh's actions and our profound loss. My regret now is that I had not found this path while he was alive - would it have helped me to be more in tune with him? More connected? More able to prevent this tragedy? I don't know.

A voice inside (and I believe it to be Josh) says you did the best you could and it is not your fault. I still have a hard time accepting this; I still believe that as a mother, I should've known and prevented his death. In typing these words, I realize there is still more inner work to be done, that I have not fully forgiven myself, that I still hold myself responsible.

Yesterday, I had nothing to write.

This morning, I woke up with memories of Josh as a Patriot's fan - see below. Maybe because it is the 18th which signals the passing of another month and tonight, the Patriots are playing.

Halloween 2002 - Josh is 10 and is being painted as a Patriot's fan by Lauren

Christmas 2003 - Josh (11 years) sporting his Patriot's cap

Christmas 2004 - the boys wearing their new Patriot's jersey's and caps.  I have Josh's Bruschi 54 jersey now. 

Christmas 2005 - Josh (13 years) holding up a Patriot's rug 

Christmas 2008 - our last with Josh (16 years) with his new Seymour jersey

RIP Josh.  Fall and football always reminds us of you. 

Love,

Mom

Josh's trees

Spring has arrived in Virginia - one of the most beautiful times of the year.  The two dogwood trees that were planted in Josh's memory in 2009 have bloomed again - see previous post.

Bittersweet to see as they are reminder of yet another year that has passed without our beloved Josh.

God Bless

Congratulations LHS and SLHS graduates

The past few days have been cloudy, overcast and rainy in the Washington DC area. But today is a beautiful day, with bright sunshine and blue skies, fitting for Graduation Day for the two high schools that our Josh attended.

Having gone through this with Josh's three older siblings, I think back to what it was like, and perhaps the feelings and thought bubbles in their minds. Amazement while getting dressed, thinking, "Wow, is it really here?" Bittersweet feelings: sad that one chapter of life is ending but excited (and a little scared) at what new experiences and friendships lie ahead. Jittery nerves while lining up with fellow graduates, waiting for the start of the ceremony. Pride when walking up to receive the hard earned diploma. Sheer joy when it is all over - surrounded by friends and family - hugs, handshakes and high-fives. Pictures, pictures and more pictures - causing twitching faces due to all the smiling. Off to family celebrations, then ANGP (all night grad party), then whatever is planned for the summer.

It is a special day for parents as well. I remember feeling many of the same things: relief and amazement that high school is over, thinking, where did the time go? Pride while watching them receive their diploma; happiness at seeing their joy. Congratulations to other graduates and families marveling at how these kids are all grown up, ready to embark on their futures, hoping that we have given them the tools to succeed. Wanting the whole week to be a special one: hosting family members, graduation parties, attending various events for seniors, volunteering at ANGP. It is their graduation, but it feels like that for us as well.

Admittedly, it has been a sadder than normal week for me as I can't help but think about what we would be doing if Josh were still alive. How different things would be. Another big event that he (and we) are missing out on.

One consolation, and it is a big one, is knowing that Josh has not been forgotten by his friends and the community. I've received a couple of emails which have touched us deeply.

I am the parent of a former classmate of Josh's (my daughter sat next to Josh throughout 6th grade at Forestville) and am also co-chair of this year's Baccalaureate at LHS for the Class of 2010. As you may remember from your older kids, Baccalaureate is an independent, interfaith, celebration of graduation with music, prayer, and reflection. We are all conscious that, in an ideal world, Josh would have been graduating with this class. As a result, one of the groups of performers have asked to dedicate their song ("Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley) to Josh. We recognize how hard this week in particular and want to let you know that Josh will be in everyone's hearts and prayers.

As high school graduation approaches, we want you and Tim to know that Josh will be in all of our thoughts. The seniors who were promoted from Forestville in 2004 will be having a kickball game and potluck dinner. As a group, we are planning a class contribution to Josh's memorial fund. Josh's blessed memory will always remain in our hearts.

While we were invited to both events and to the graduation ceremonies of both schools, it would be too difficult to attend. It is enough to know that he has been and will continue to be in the hearts of friends and classmates. I will end this post with pictures taken from a couple of yearbooks that we have received.

Inside cover of the 2009 McLean Mustang Yearbook

Half-page dedication in LHS yearbook

We appreciate so much what others have done to ensure Josh's memory lives on.

God Bless

Josh's Trees and Pictures at 10 Years Old

Last year, we planted my favorite tree, a pink dogwood in our front yard - for Josh. A plaque given by one of his friends, with a verse from Psalm 23 is placed nearby.




Last October, another dogwood was planted near the town's youth football field - again, in memory of Josh. You can read about it here.

I am told that it is unusual for newly planted trees to bloom in the first year. And yet, Josh's trees have done so. My grieving heart takes comfort in this small occurrence. Even though it has been over a year, it is still so very, very hard.

I will end this short post with a slideshow of pictures taken when he was 10 years old.

God Bless

2009 Football Season

On Saturday mornings, Tim always grabs the sports section of the Washington Post to read about the previous night's high school football games, paying special attention to the two schools that Josh played for: Langley and South Lakes.

The regular season is now over and All District players were named. Tim read me the names of kids we knew that made the first or second teams. While happy that the boy's hard work and accomplishments on the field were recognized by district coaches, there was sadness as we thought about "what if"? What if Josh were alive and played this season, would he be on this list? Probably so.

For those parents who have lost a child and if that son or daughter was involved in a particular activity during a specific time of year, as our Josh was every fall, there is experienced a double sense of loss. Luckily for Tim, he was asked to film the LHS games which put him on the field and kept him involved. In the two times that Langley and South Lakes did not play at the same time, he went to the SLHS games and was invited to stand on the field with the players/coaches.

For me, I went to the first LHS game but it ended up being so sad that I had to leave at half-time and cried all the way home. In retrospect, I probably should have known it would be too much, but on the other hand, you sometimes don't know. In fact, I felt fine driving to the game. It wasn't until I walked through the gate, and saw all of the healthy, strong boys on the field - so alive and one in particular, who told me that he was going to wear Josh's number, 33, and dedicate his season to our son - that the tears started to flow.




I probably could have made it through that first game had I stayed with Tim on the field. But I went up in the stands to sit with other moms and as I watched the boys and listened to the regular banter about the start of school, classes, teachers, dances, senior pictures, it just got harder and harder. These topics no longer applied to me. Irrelevant. Continued evidence that my life was not the same as theirs. I was on the other side.

It is quite uncomfortable to be in the midst of laughing, happy people while attempting to hold off the dam that is about to burst. Also, I didn't want to be responsible for bringing down the spirits of others around me, so I said my good-byes and left.

Since Tim is like most men in the uncanny ability to remember a game, play-by-play, including how much time was left on the clock at each particular play, I was able to keep up due to his thorough rendition afterwards. I've often wondered how he can remember sports stats galore and yet cannot remember where certain kitchen items are stored. Selective memory, I guess.

Eventually, I did end up going to another game. It was last week between the two schools. A perfect night - clear, crisp and cool. As the game got underway, I looked to the heavens and wondered if Josh could see. And if he could, what was he thinking?

My thoughts were clear. "You silly, silly boy. You should be here on this field. Playing in this game. But for the stupid mistake that started the events which culminated in your death that horrible night - you could still be here." In moments like this, his loss seems to be a dream - did it all really happen? Is he truly gone? In vain, I look on the field for him and cold reality hits again.

It was a hard fought game with both teams being winners, in my book. There was a moment of silence to remember Josh with a loud applause when the moment was over, touching Tim and I deeply. Both cheerleading squads wore ribbons that had JA and 33 painted on the ends. All of the boys helmuts were adorned with a "JA" football sticker. While this district game was important, the greater significance, at least to me, was that a fellow teammate, classmate and schoolmate had fallen and his life was remembered on that night. I'm glad that I stuffed a lot of tissues in my pocket - I needed them.

A few moms came to visit me during half-time and once again, we contemplated Josh's fatal action. And talked about the rash and impulsive behaviors that can overcome teenage boys with seemingly no thought to consequences. I can only hope and pray that any young person who has seen the devastation that Josh's decisions have caused for himself and his family would think twice before acting. Sometimes a few minutes of fun is just not worth it. And as a kids gets older, rules and laws are less forgiving. We learned this the hard way.

I just read a short book called The Empty Chair by Beryl Glover, whose daughter ended her life at age 23. In it she quotes another author, Doug Manning who wrote in his book, The Gift of Significance the following: "People are not going to move forward in their grief until the significance of the person who has died has been established. People who can establish significance, make progress. Those who cannot do so, hang on and hurt."

This sentence rings true in my heart. I am not sure how much "progress" I've made, but perhaps it is the reason why this blog has been my lifesaver. With each post and comment, Josh's young life is being established as significant. Or when our son is remembered on a Friday night football game. Or when I receive an email from his close friend in middle school, who sent me a draft of her college essay about Josh's death and the resulting impact on her life. All of this establishes the significance of his life and for that, I am grateful.

Here are some pictures from that beautiful, Friday night....









Thank you for the thoughts and prayers.
And most of all, for continuing to love, remember and miss our beloved Josh.

God Bless

Tree Memorial - October 18, 2009

I love the spring in Virginia. We are far enough north where we experience all four seasons, but not so far as to seriously shorten the golf season (very important to Tim). One of my favorite trees is the dogwood. Wispy, beautiful white flowers adorn this tree in early spring. Every time I see this majestic tree in full bloom, I am in awe. So when asked, "what tree would you like to have planted at the McLean Mustangs football field in memory of Josh?", the answer was easy.

Our son has played football since he was eight years old. Starting out as an "ankle-biter", he had a real affinity for the game. I still remember being amazed at how these fully padded little boys, who could barely sit still for anything else, had the discipline to be motionless before the ball was hiked. Every year, Josh was fortunately to be on teams with excellent coaches who taught him not only the game, but lesson that transcend sports: teamwork, do your best, never give up, how you play is more important than winning or losing, the little things matter, etc.

We were triply blessed to be part of this particular youth league as the kids and their families were all great. Relationships were forged over the tailgates held in the parking lot right after - hosted by grandparents of one of the boys. Josh was never shy about diving right into the food after a hard fought game, along with the other boys.

Because youth football teams are determined by weight, and since Josh was always bigger and heavier for his age, he would invariably have to lose some weight to stay with the same group of boys. I have vivid memories of the poor kid mowing the lawn in 90+ degrees in layers of clothing. Or going to the official weigh in a couple of hours early and running on the track dressed for a blizzard. Or looking at pizza - wishing so much that he could have a piece, while eating salad. Seems a bit cruel for a kid - I thought so too at the time, but he was willing to do these things to stay on the team.

Being at the football field last Sunday, on the 7 month anniversary of Josh's death, for the gathering at the newly planted tree with this group of boys and their parents was so special. It is times like these, when we see once again, that our Josh is so loved and missed by others, that our grieving hearts are encouraged.

We could not have gotten through the past months of shock, loss and pain if it were not for the love, support and prayers from friends in the community - both Josh's and ours. In the midst of it all, we feel so grateful. I will end this post with pictures from our gathering.

Josh's tree planted on the end of the football field.

Boys gathered around....

So many memories on this field.....

Josh - we all love and miss you and will remember you forever.....

God Bless

Pictures From Six Month Fundraiser

Tim and I are so grateful for the continual outpouring of love and support from all of Josh's friends and their families. It has meant so much that others remember us in particular, on the 18th of each month. These "anniversary" dates are so hard and I've come to see that in order not to spiral down into the depths of despair, we need to be with others.

Last Friday was the 6 month anniversary and since high school footballs games were played on Thursday, kids were able to come to the fundraiser, held monthly at the Buffalo Wings Factory. We took over the restaurant as so many people came. It is evident that our Josh is still loved and remembered. Our hearts were so encouraged.

We received some very special gifts that night. Tim is staying involved by filming the Langley games. The boys gave him a photo with their signatures. I received a plaque with the Lord's Prayer that will be placed by the dogwood tree we have planted in our front yard - in memory of our son.


I don't yet have the total amount raised, but when I do, I'll post it on the blog.

To end, here is a slide show of pictures taken at the restaurant.

May 6, 2009 - Week 7

It is hard to believe that seven weeks have gone by since Josh's passing. Some days are better than others and on the bad days, some hours are better than others. But not a day goes by where I don't shed a few or many tears for him.

What has helped Tim and I (and our family) get through each day is the love and support from so many. We are still receiving cards of sympathy, emails of encouragement, calls of support and even visits from old (time-wise, not age-wise) friends.

One of my best friends from high school left her husband and two kids in Chicago and came for a visit this past weekend. It was great to see her, catch up on life, talk, cry and just be together. We went to the cemetery and behold, Josh's stone that Tim and I had just seen and approved couple of days earlier - which was quite emotional - had already been placed in the ground. Once we saw this, we immediately went to the nearest Safeway where my friend bought the best lilies she could find for him.


Picking this stone for Josh was a family effort - our kids, my parents and close friends all helped as there were numerous decisions to be made: size of stone, lettering type, color, emblems, how the date should be written, etc. We saw designs that were fairly intricate - they can even take a photo of the deceased person and etch it into the stone! In the end, we all decided on something simple as this was the kind of kid that Josh was - nothing elaborate, nothing fancy.

I am happy with how it turned out.

I am getting good advice from my mom; she says that I need to keep some shears in the car with me so that I can trim the grass around the grave stone. I would not have thought about this - so many things that I never imagined myself doing - they are part of my life now. Regular visits to my seventeen year old son's grave, working to change the background of his junior year picture to match the high school graduation pictures of our three older children as all four portraits will hang on the same living room wall, trying to read books on suicide so I can attempt to make sense of what has happened, making contact with other mothers who have lost a child in this way to ask, "how did you deal with this?"

And along with these items that are now on my "to-do" list, I am back to doing what I did before because life goes on - despite feeling like a part of me has died and there is a large empty hole in my heart. One of Gillian's closest friends has been studying in Germany this past year and has invited her to travel around Europe for a few weeks in July. Details for this trip must be discussed and attended to. Lauren is graduating from the University of Virginia in less than two weeks and several family members are coming to celebrate with us. We are happily co-hosting a big graduation party in support of this accomplishment and the move to the "real world". Attention is required for this event. I am fully back to work which is a blessing - to be busy and occupied for 8+ hours is a good thing these days.

However, it is strange to be doing things that I did before, but do so as a completely different person - for Josh's passing has changed and impacted me like no other event could. I do not fully understand it, but I know it is true. I will have to ponder this and see if my mind can make sense of it. Or maybe it "just is" and no amount of analyzing will fully comprehend the impact of his death to my being.

There are other things that help us get through these difficult days. One of the most important things is this very blog. I've said this many times and will probably say it many more - it has been our lifesaver. It is amazing to us that as of today, there have been over 20,000 visits to the blog, 1,129 this past week and 142 today. We have not only been encouraged by the many comments, but also by the numerous emails and card/letters written to us in response to something that has been read.

A few weeks ago, we went to a gathering of Josh's freshman football team and coach. It was a very special Langley team as not only did they have an undefeated season, but handily outscored their opponents by 350 to 57!! (Please scroll down to "LHS Undefeated Season" to see more.) It was so special for Tim and I to be with this great group of guys, Coach Carter and several parents. A heartfelt "thank you" to the Pritchett family for hosting this evening. As Josh's mom, I was presented with a coach's shirt that was signed by all the boys - such a thoughtful momento.



We have also attended a gathering of parents and other adults interested in addressing the Zero Tolerance policy in Fairfax County Public Schools. A group has formed and is getting organized to bring this issue to much broader audience than just those families and students who have been directly impacted. We feel very strongly this is an issue that all FCPS parents need to understand as their own child could be adversely affected - despite all of the love, care, concern and teaching that goes on in the home. Kids will be kids. Stay tuned as a web site is being formed and if you are interested in being an advocate for the rights of your child, there will be ways to get involved.

We had the pleasure of renting a home in a wonderful neighborhood in this area over 10 years ago. There were many moms with young children at the time and it just so happened that a "Mom's Craft Morning" was started. Each week, we rotated who was hosting and while the kids played together, the moms spent time talking, eating, crafting, laughing, eating and talking. Since then, many of us have moved to other neighborhoods and have not really taken the time to get together. Until now. One of my dear friends hosted a dinner at her home and nine of us gathered - we did not do a craft, but we ate, talked, laughed and cried together. I have heard that many survivors of suicide can sometime feel isolated and alone due to a stigma that can be associated with this mode of death. We are so fortunate to not have experienced this in any way for to do so would be an added burden.

And most recently, we attended a fundraiser at the Buffalo Wings Factory in Reston on May 1st - please scroll down to that post for more information. As mentioned, $300 was raised! It was so successful that another night has been planned - Monday, May 18th which is the second anniversary month of "that" day. It will be good to be with others who knew and loved Josh, to tell stories and remember his funny and sometimes quirky ways. We are looking forward to it and hope many of you can come.

I feel I must apologize for the length of this post. It was intended to be fairly short and sweet, but when I sat down at the computer, the words just flowed. In and of itself, this is an interesting phenomenon as I have never considered myself a writer. I guess in this time period, for however long it lasts, it is one way that Josh has changed me.

God Bless.

Football Slideshow

LHS Undefeated Season - Freshman 06

Josh was a part of a very special Saxon freshman team that had an undefeated season under Coach Carter. One parent was so kind to send photos of Josh that he had from that season. Tim found the T-shirt that was made for the boys which we have also displayed so that you could see how dominant this team really was.

"I'm sure Josh would be proud of these. The Freshman Saxons were undefeated that year. I don't think my son was any happier than he was playing football with Josh and the other boys in 2006."



Josh #52