RIP Timmy

A couple of weeks ago, I found an article on Facebook, printed it out for myself and made a mental note to post on the blog.

After the very sad events of this week, it is a perfect time to share.  Our community is reeling over two suicide deaths at Langley HS where both Lauren and Josh went to school.  We know one of the families as Timmy's older brother Peter, was a good friend of Josh's and came to our home over 4 years ago to console us.  And now, tragically, we are returning the favor.

When Josh died, the friends of Tyler, Lauren and Gillian came from all over to be with them.  Peter's friends are doing the same for him.  And they are the same boys that came to our home in March 09 so it has been like deja vu for all of us.

Two of his friends joined me in my weekly visit to Josh's park yesterday.  One asked, "what can I do to help Peter?  It is hard to know what to do and what to say."  I just shared what helped us and what it comes down to is very simple - just being there….through thick and thin and over the long haul….just as they have done for us and I know they will do for their suffering friend.

While writing this morning, I came across the article within the pages of my journal and have cut and pasted in it's entirety below as I could never do proper justice by paraphrasing.

Please read and pass along to others - those who have suffered unbearable loss/trauma and those who seek to help them.

A New Normal:  Ten Things I've Learned About Trauma by Catherine Woodiwiss.


I wasn’t really expecting painful things to happen to me.

I knew that pain was a part of life, but — thanks in part to a peculiar blend of “God-has-a-plan” Southern roots, a suburban “Midwestern nice” upbringing, and a higher education in New England stoicism — I managed to skate by for quite some time without having to experience it.

After a handful of traumas in the last five years, things look different now. Trauma upends everything we took for granted, including things we didn’t know we took for granted. And many of these realities I wish I’d known when I first encountered them. So, while the work of life and healing continues, here are ten things I’ve learned about trauma along the way:

1. Trauma permanently changes us.

This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop.

This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage.

2.  Presence is always better than distance.

There is a curious illusion that in times of crisis people “need space.” I don’t know where this assumption originated, but in my experience it is almost always false. Trauma is a disfiguring, lonely time even when surrounded in love; to suffer through trauma alone is unbearable. Do not assume others are reaching out, showing up, or covering all the bases.

It is a much lighter burden to say, “Thanks for your love, but please go away,” than to say, “I was hurting and no one cared for me.” If someone says they need space, respect that. Otherwise, err on the side of presence.

3.  Healing is seasonal, not linear.

It is true that healing happens with time. But in the recovery wilderness, emotional healing looks less like a line and more like a wobbly figure-8. It’s perfectly common to get stuck in one stage for months, only to jump to another end entirely … only to find yourself back in the same old mud again next year.

Recovery lasts a long, long time. Expect seasons.

4.  Surviving trauma takes “firefighters” and “builders.” Very few people are both.

This is a tough one. In times of crisis, we want our family, partner, or dearest friends to be everything for us. But surviving trauma requires at least two types of people: the crisis team — those friends who can drop everything and jump into the fray by your side, and the reconstruction crew — those whose calm, steady care will help nudge you out the door into regaining your footing in the world. In my experience, it is extremely rare for any individual to be both a firefighter and a builder. This is one reason why trauma is a lonely experience. Even if you share suffering with others, no one else will be able to fully walk the road with you the whole way.

A hard lesson of trauma is learning to forgive and love your partner, best friend, or family even when they fail at one of these roles. Conversely, one of the deepest joys is finding both kinds of companions beside you on the journey.

5.  Grieving is social, and so is healing.

For as private a pain as trauma is, for all the healing that time and self-work will bring, we are wired for contact. Just as relationships can hurt us most deeply, it is only through relationship that we can be most fully healed.

It’s not easy to know what this looks like — can I trust casual acquaintances with my hurt? If my family is the source of trauma, can they also be the source of healing? How long until this friend walks away? Does communal prayer help or trivialize?

Seeking out shelter in one another requires tremendous courage, but it is a matter of life or paralysis. One way to start is to practice giving shelter to others.

6.  Do not offer platitudes or comparisons. Do not, do not, do not.

“I’m so sorry you lost your son, we lost our dog last year … ” “At least it’s not as bad as … ” “You’ll be stronger when this is over.” “God works in all things for good!”

When a loved one is suffering, we want to comfort them. We offer assurances like the ones above when we don’t know what else to say. But from the inside, these often sting as clueless, careless, or just plain false.

Trauma is terrible. What we need in the aftermath is a friend who can swallow her own discomfort and fear, sit beside us, and just let it be terrible for a while.

7.  Allow those suffering to tell their own stories.

Of course, someone who has suffered trauma may say, “This made me stronger,” or “I’m lucky it’s only (x) and not (z).” That is their prerogative. There is an enormous gulf between having someone else thrust his unsolicited or misapplied silver linings onto you, and discovering hope for one’s self. The story may ultimately sound very much like “God works in all things for good,” but there will be a galaxy of disfigurement and longing and disorientation in that confession. Give the person struggling through trauma the dignity of discovering and owning for himself where, and if, hope endures.

8.  Love shows up in unexpected ways.

This is a mystifying pattern after trauma, particularly for those in broad community: some near-strangers reach out, some close friends fumble to express care. It’s natural for us to weight expressions of love differently: a Hallmark card, while unsatisfying if received from a dear friend, can be deeply touching coming from an old acquaintance.

Ultimately every gesture of love, regardless of the sender, becomes a step along the way to healing. If there are beatitudes for trauma, I’d say the first is, “Blessed are those who give love to anyone in times of hurt, regardless of how recently they’ve talked or awkwardly reconnected or visited cross-country or ignored each other on the metro.” It may not look like what you’d request or expect, but there will be days when surprise love will be the sweetest.

9.  Whatever doesn’t kill you …

In 2011, after a publically humiliating year, comedian Conan O’Brien gave students at Dartmouth College the following warning:

"Nietzsche famously said, 'Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.' … What he failed to stress is that it almost kills you.”
Odd things show up after a serious loss and creep into every corner of life: insatiable anxiety in places that used to bring you joy, detachment or frustration towards your closest companions, a deep distrust of love or presence or vulnerability.

There will be days when you feel like a quivering, cowardly shell of yourself, when despair yawns as a terrible chasm, when fear paralyzes any chance for pleasure. This is just a fight that has to be won, over and over and over again.

10.  … Doesn’t kill you.

Living through trauma may teach you resilience. It may help sustain you and others in times of crisis down the road. It may prompt humility. It may make for deeper seasons of joy. It may even make you stronger.

It also may not.

In the end, the hope of life after trauma is simply that you have life after trauma. The days, in their weird and varied richness, go on. So will you.  

Congratulations LHS and SLHS graduates

The past few days have been cloudy, overcast and rainy in the Washington DC area. But today is a beautiful day, with bright sunshine and blue skies, fitting for Graduation Day for the two high schools that our Josh attended.

Having gone through this with Josh's three older siblings, I think back to what it was like, and perhaps the feelings and thought bubbles in their minds. Amazement while getting dressed, thinking, "Wow, is it really here?" Bittersweet feelings: sad that one chapter of life is ending but excited (and a little scared) at what new experiences and friendships lie ahead. Jittery nerves while lining up with fellow graduates, waiting for the start of the ceremony. Pride when walking up to receive the hard earned diploma. Sheer joy when it is all over - surrounded by friends and family - hugs, handshakes and high-fives. Pictures, pictures and more pictures - causing twitching faces due to all the smiling. Off to family celebrations, then ANGP (all night grad party), then whatever is planned for the summer.

It is a special day for parents as well. I remember feeling many of the same things: relief and amazement that high school is over, thinking, where did the time go? Pride while watching them receive their diploma; happiness at seeing their joy. Congratulations to other graduates and families marveling at how these kids are all grown up, ready to embark on their futures, hoping that we have given them the tools to succeed. Wanting the whole week to be a special one: hosting family members, graduation parties, attending various events for seniors, volunteering at ANGP. It is their graduation, but it feels like that for us as well.

Admittedly, it has been a sadder than normal week for me as I can't help but think about what we would be doing if Josh were still alive. How different things would be. Another big event that he (and we) are missing out on.

One consolation, and it is a big one, is knowing that Josh has not been forgotten by his friends and the community. I've received a couple of emails which have touched us deeply.

I am the parent of a former classmate of Josh's (my daughter sat next to Josh throughout 6th grade at Forestville) and am also co-chair of this year's Baccalaureate at LHS for the Class of 2010. As you may remember from your older kids, Baccalaureate is an independent, interfaith, celebration of graduation with music, prayer, and reflection. We are all conscious that, in an ideal world, Josh would have been graduating with this class. As a result, one of the groups of performers have asked to dedicate their song ("Three Little Birds" by Bob Marley) to Josh. We recognize how hard this week in particular and want to let you know that Josh will be in everyone's hearts and prayers.

As high school graduation approaches, we want you and Tim to know that Josh will be in all of our thoughts. The seniors who were promoted from Forestville in 2004 will be having a kickball game and potluck dinner. As a group, we are planning a class contribution to Josh's memorial fund. Josh's blessed memory will always remain in our hearts.

While we were invited to both events and to the graduation ceremonies of both schools, it would be too difficult to attend. It is enough to know that he has been and will continue to be in the hearts of friends and classmates. I will end this post with pictures taken from a couple of yearbooks that we have received.

Inside cover of the 2009 McLean Mustang Yearbook

Half-page dedication in LHS yearbook

We appreciate so much what others have done to ensure Josh's memory lives on.

God Bless

Gone But Not Forgotten - April 25, 2010

It has been one year, one month and one week since Josh left us all. I say "all" because the loss is felt well beyond just his immediate or extended family. His friends still think about him, miss him and continue to remember our beloved son.

Two such friends came over this week. They had been talking about visiting for quite a while, but just could not do it. Not sure how they would feel being in his home, seeing the pictures, and facing the fact that he is gone. Death is strange that way - the knowledge can rest in the mind, to be put away when too painful or when one wants to pretend it didn't happen. That Josh just went away someplace and will return - with the infamous smirk. The distance to the heart is mere inches, but can seem like miles when reality is hard to accept.

I can understand completely. But I want to say to his friends - if and when you would like to talk, our door is always open.

We had a good visit. The tissue box was near. Although sad, I wanted to hear about their memories: how they found out about Josh's death, what was their first reaction, what do they think now, what other experiences do they have with suicide, what they remember most about him, etc. Our conversation was similar to what I've had with other friends: frank, personal, deep and real. They encouraged me not to feel guilty but I cannot accept absolution - at least not yet. The compassion, sympathy and love expressed by his friends is amazing and so appreciated.

We talked about Josh's Facebook page. They said that people were continuing to post, even as recently as this month. They learned that I had received a copy of the posts right after his death and on his birthday but had not seen anything else. Sure enough, a couple of days later, one of these friends sent me a couple of emails with the rest of the posts. I've read all of them and can see now that his friends have posted when they heard of his death, after coming to see us, at each month's anniversary, during the football season, on his birthday, on the one-year anniversary and at random times - whenever they thought of him. Even friends who are now in college. If people continue to post on his wall, I will receive updates from his friend. What a kind, thoughtful thing to do.

To see the multitude of posts on his wall, even a year later is surprising to me, but in retrospect, it shouldn't be. Not when I know that another of his friends wrote a half page article for the school newspaper called "Remembering Josh: One year after the death of a beloved classmate, students continue to honor him in many ways."

Or when I hear of a lacrosse teammate who is wearing his number, 33, during this spring season. I hope Josh sees all of this and that he feels the continued outpouring of love - just as we do.

Rest in peace, my dear son. Much loved, much missed and still remembered by family and friends. We all wish you could have found another way out.

God Bless

A Post Dedicated to Josh's Friends

Josh’s friends have shown such love, kindness, generosity, openness, warmth and affection to Tim and I since the passing of our beloved son, I just had to dedicate a post to them. Their acts of kindness over the past four months have done much to ease our constant pain and anguish since that fateful day.

I have to admit, I did not think so highly of teenagers prior to all of this. Having gone through the “teen years” with our three older kids and in the midst of it with Josh, my descriptions would’ve been more like the following: self-absorbed, cocky and arrogant, argumentative, non-compliant, sullen, unopen, only want to be with friends, ungrateful for family, etc. etc. While these descriptions may have been true in part with our son, I am seeing that he was a completely different person with his friends. I now feel blessed to have been witness to and recipient of another side of these young people and have learned much from them.

As I have mentioned in a previous post, these kids have networking skills that far exceed anything I have. Through Facebook and text messaging, it was incredible how quickly the student body at both high schools found out about Josh’s death which happened on a Wednesday morning. By that afternoon, the first group of kids arrived with bouquets of flowers as offerings of sympathy. Josh's best friend lives in Georgia. As soon as he heard the news, he and his family jumped in the car and were at our home the next day, after driving through the night. During the following two days a steady stream of kids came to pay their respects and the first couple of lessons were learned.

The "out-of-sight, out-of-mind" way that I can view relationships is not the way of these kids. Even though Josh had not been part of the Langley high school student body for a year, it was as if he had never left. The number of these friends that came over was staggering. There were some close friends that were so affected, they did not go to school for the rest of the week. Others were very upset when the school administration did not have a moment of silence the next day for Josh. They organized a "black out” and made sure photos were taken of everyone who participated. Apparently there were so many kids that they had to take two pictures in the school gym.

The outpouring of love and support from the South Lakes high school students was equally overwhelming. Josh had been there less than one year and yet these kids treated him as if he had been there from the start. The lesson here is that it does not need to take me a long time to develop friendships that go beyond the superficial.

Two days later, on Friday, there was ”a black out” at this school, with hand-painted shirts reflecting his nickname, "Jushua" and football number, 33. The varsity lacrosse players dedicated the game to him that night by playing a man down on defense for the first play and by putting his initials "JA" on their helmuts and some on their faces. I remember the captain of the team sitting in our living room, telling us of the plan and Tim and I were touched and amazed.

One fellow football and lacrosse teammate will forever remember our son as he got a tattoo on his calf with Josh's name and date of death. This along with two other tattoos can be seen in the "Original Art" section on the right side of the blog. Josh's best friend mentioned above got the large one on his back and the small JLA was received by Josh's sister.

We heard that one baseball player at South Lakes decided to change his jersey to number 33, despite being badly stained - he didn't care because it was Josh's number.

We received a packet of beautiful cards made by fellow students in Josh's business management class along with this letter from their teacher: "The first day back after this tragedy, there were several reactions in my class. A few students, especially those that knew Josh well, stayed home from school. Others were just in a daze. I wanted to take their lead as to what we did in class...no one was really focused. I told them that they could write a letter to your family if they wanted to and that I would mail it to you. Some, as difficult as it was, courageously wrote a card."

The graphics, words and pictures were thoughtful and beautiful. For example, one card said, "When you lose a loved one, you gain an angel whose name you know". I don't know these kids and I don't know how well they knew our son, but it was very touching to have received their condolences in this way.

As early as the next morning after Josh's death, when we were planning the funeral service, it became clear to us that many students from both high schools were going to come and pay their last respects. Thanks to the wonderful work by the funeral home director, we were able to secure a large church that seated 1,500 people. On the day of the service, the numbers of kids that came far exceeded our expectations. It is a true testament to their desire to come and support the memorial service of their friend. As far as I could see and from what we heard from others who attended the service, there was not an empty seat anywhere.

The funeral director also told us that he would need a number of pictures by 8am the next morning. These photos would be part of a printed tri-fold” and slideshow for the service. Also a photo would need to be designated as the primary one - to be used for the large portrait. We had many pictures of Josh's younger years and thanks to my friend who gave us photos taken during a recent trip to Maine, we had great pictures of when he was older. What were were missing were pictures of his football season, one of which we hoped could be the main photo. By Thursday night, we had them all - thanks to Josh's girlfriend's best friend, who was on the South Lakes yearbook committee. These girls went back after school, accessed the yearbook computer and found pictures that we could use, including the one on the front of the tri-fold and on the side of the blog.

On the day of the service, other surprising gifts were received as well. We heard of a football that was brought and signed by his Langley teammates for the expressed purpose of being placed in the casket with Josh.

I had mentioned the day before to a group of kids that were in our home that I did not have many pictures of Josh in high school. Lo and behold, on the day of the service, three girls from Langley HS came to me with a CD of photos that had been taken during an art class in Josh's sophomore year.

Another young lady came with a pencil drawing that she had done of Josh. This really blew us away as it must have taken her hours to make. You can see this and many of the other items created in Josh's memory by his friends in the "Original Art" section on the right side of the blog.

Facebook - I know of at least three groups that have been created in Josh's memory. It was this next story that really gave me the idea of creating a blog. I heard from the kids that many were posting on Josh's facebook wall right after hearing about his passing. I said something like, "Wow, I wish I could see those" and the next day, one young lady came over with a print out of all of the postings complete with cover page (picture of Josh) and dedication written by herself - all in a presentation binder. To say that I was moved would be an understatement as she must have stayed up most of the night to get this done. Since I am not a Facebook user, at least not yet, I wanted to have a way to keep up with Josh's friends - thus this blog.

It has become what I had hoped. A quick scroll through the posts will show that much of the content has come from Josh's friends, either directly or indirectly.

The idea of have a fundraiser for Josh's memorial fund at the Buffalo Wings Factory came from a South Lakes football teammate who was working there at the time.

Just two days after his death, this slideshow was created by one of his friends to "help his memory live on".

In a singing competition less than two weeks afterwards, we heard that the songs were performed in dedication to Josh.

Other pictures of Josh and friends on the bus and hanging out at the Apple store were supplied - giving us a picture of another side of our son.

An original poem showed me that these kids are grieving his loss, just as we are.

One of the sweetest things was received just one week later. In the original picture at the top of the blog, Josh's arm had a small bruise on it. Someone who actually did not know Josh very well, retouched the photo to remove the bruise and emailed it back. This was placed on the blog immediately - I will never forget that small act of kindness.

When the girl's lacrosse teams from the two schools met for the first time after his passing, hair ribbons for both teams with Josh's initials were made by the Langley girls and given out. Our hearts were moved when we heard this story and received the photos.

On the Mother’s Day post I had shared how a couple of Josh's teammates had come over for a BBQ lunch and talk. Since then we have had several others visit with us and a couple of them have gone to Josh's grave site with me. I have also received fairly lengthy emails from friends at both schools. I cannot tell you how much it means to me to be in touch with Josh's friends either by visit, via email or posts on the blog. For some reason, it matters very much to me that Josh is not forgotten. Their stories and memories of Josh are ones that I cherish and are giving us a picture of our son that we would not know of otherwise. They are asking me very good questions, are willing to answer mine and I am finding it helpful as they share their own perspective of Josh's death and how they are handling it.

Our family has been thrust on this journey of grief, not by our own choice but by that of our son. Why we got here will never be understood, but one day will need to be accepted. I am finding solace that we are not alone in this journey as evidenced by this post.

To all of Josh's friends who continue to think of him and our family, our heartfelt thanks.

God Bless

Memories and Pictures from Josh's Friend, Onalee

As mentioned in a previous post, Josh's friends continue to be in touch with Tim and I in various ways: posts on this blog, email, cards, flowers, pictures and visits. One special friend, Onalee, from Josh's middle and first high school dropped by with her mom on Mother's Day for a nice visit. She gave me some pictures that she had found and later, wrote me an email about some of her memories of him. With her permission, I would like to share them with you.

Josh and I were really close and these past few months have really impacted me. I rode the bus with Josh in eighth grade and everyday he would help me with my algebra homework. I remember the day I took those pictures in the Apple store like it was yesterday. We were waiting for our movie- Meet The Robinsons, which Josh got a huge kick out of.

The day after I found out about Josh's passing, I came across a note from him. He gave it to me after the eighth grade dance and it was the most mature and loving note I have ever received from anyone. I will be sure to keep it forever because it means a lot to me and I am so thankful that I still have it. I read your blog everyday and I know that it helps me, my mom, and many other people cope with the tragedy. I loved Josh a lot and always will. I would love to keep in touch and continue my support for you and your family.

Thank you, Onalee, for sharing these pictures and memories with us.

SLHS vs LHS Girls Varsity LAX Game

Three of Josh's friends from Langley HS, Elspeth, Natalie, and Sarah made ribbons for both the South Lakes and Langley teams for their lacrosse game. The ribbons had Josh's number and initials on them.




Thank you girls, so much for doing this and emailing the pictures.

If anyone would like to share additional photos, please email them to me at emilyanderson5 at gmail dot com

In Josh's Memory

Thank You Alex A. for creating this video!

Langley blackout - Monday, March 23, 2009

LHS Undefeated Season - Freshman 06

Josh was a part of a very special Saxon freshman team that had an undefeated season under Coach Carter. One parent was so kind to send photos of Josh that he had from that season. Tim found the T-shirt that was made for the boys which we have also displayed so that you could see how dominant this team really was.

"I'm sure Josh would be proud of these. The Freshman Saxons were undefeated that year. I don't think my son was any happier than he was playing football with Josh and the other boys in 2006."



Josh #52

Langley HS photos

Thanks so much to Elspeth, Natalie and Sarah for these great photos of Josh. Thank you girls, for coming to my home and telling me how much Josh meant to you, and for offering to give me the pictures that you had of him. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to put these on a CD for me. I will cherish them because you have given me another memory of Josh - a small glimpse of how he was in school. You girls are angels for doing this....