My Dream - August 24, 2009

I've only had two dreams about Josh since he died. The first occurred a couple of months afterwards, and was so strange that I didn't bother writing it down nor have thought much about it since. The second dream was four night ago - right before I woke up, so I remembered all of it. It was like a movie, going from one scene to the next.

First scene: Tim, the girls and I were at home, but not our current home nor one we've ever lived in, but it felt like home - you know how dreams are. We had white shag carpet and just like what happened in real life a few months ago, our washing machine overflowed. Walking into the hallway, I saw water everywhere and starting yelling for help to clean up.

Next scene: I was taking something into the garage (s0 we could pull up the carpet) and I saw Josh putting something down. I was shocked and said, "Josh, is that you?!?" We locked eyes and he gave me his infamous smirk. He looked good - tall, healthy and strong. I couldn't believe my eyes and thought I was seeing a mirage.

Next scene: He was standing right in front of me and I was poking him with whatever I had in my hand - not sure what it was, maybe a pencil. The poking was hitting something solid! I asked him to give me a hug. He obliged me but I could tell that he felt awkward. I didn't care and said, "Hug me tighter!" which he did, and it felt like so good. I asked Tim if he could see Josh, but he could not.

Next scene: We were standing in front of a nail that was sticking out of the wall. I had a key ring with several keys that I did not recognize. He wanted me to put the keys on the nail in a specific order. It seemed very important that I do so exactly as he said.

Then I woke up.

Being a bit groggy, it didn't really register what just happened. As my mind started remembering the dream, I quickly got my journal and wrote everything down. I felt pretty happy to have a dream about him since I have wondered why he wasn't in them more frequently. Also, he looked good , which was a relief. Once recorded, I attempted to decipher what it meant but didn't get very far, so I left it for later.

After re-reading my dream yesterday, I spent some time thinking and writing about what it could mean. Maybe Josh is telling me that he wants to help. To not forget about him when things are happening in our lives. He wants to still be involved.

Keys open things. Maybe I am thinking too much of him in the past and that my heart needs to be opened so that he can live with me in the present. That I should leave behind the thoughts of what was - with all of its regrets, guilt and questions - and rather, live for now, with him always by my side.

Gillian wrote this and shared it with Tim and I a couple of days before my dream. Maybe he is telling me that what she is saying is true.

"...Another resolution of mine is keeping in touch with my brother. Wherever he is, I want him to know that he is a part of my everyday, my present and my future, not just my past. I want to keep him alive in my life and I want to stop thinking about him in the past tense. It's hard for me to just imagine having these conversations with him so I am (finally) using the journal that my mom gave me to write to him, not about him. I tell him how I felt when he left, I tell him what I'm feeling now, I share memories I have with him and I tell him that I am determined not to forget. I tell him that I love him and miss him. That he will always, always have a place in my heart."

I love what she wrote and along with this dream, I have something new to think about. A way to navigate this "grief journey".

God Bless.