I have a new term: "grief mine". Like a land mine buried in the ground, ready to blow up an unsuspecting and potentially innocent soul, so grief mines are hidden in places that one would least expect. I landed on one the other night.
I had a hard time sleeping and went online to check my Facebook. A good way to spend a few minutes or hours catching up on friend's activities, viewing pictures, reading wall posts, etc. I happened to see summer vacation pictures of a friend who has a son Josh's age. They were at the beach and he looked so handsome, strong and most of all - ALIVE. In his face, one could see the expectation of a bright future, full of promise, with new adventures and experiences awaiting around every corner.
As I looked at the photos and contrasted them to our summer vacation, also on the beach, but no pictures of Josh - running, playing, posing with his sisters - I began to feel sorry for myself. Started crying. And felt, if I am being completely honest, a little jealous. It hit me that I no longer have what she has. No more happy "all in the family" photos for me. The feelings of despair and sorrow were strong and completely unexpected. I was not prepared. Caught unaware, blind-sighted and knocked flat on my back, emotionally. A casualty of a "grief mine."
At times like this, the reality of his death and our loss is just too hard to bear. So far, at least for me, it has not gotten easier over time.....
Josh - With all of my heart, I wish you were still here with us - alive and well.
God Bless
God Bless
6 comments:
i am very sorry for your loss of jsoh. i can relate to your struggle. my nephew, chris 36 years old committed suicide in 2007 5 months after he was married. i have no children and we were 15 years apart. we grew up together in the same house. he was a son , friend and nephew to me. the loss is still inconceivable to me. i will not accept it . it has destroyed me physically, and mentally. my family has been destroyed . he was my sister and brother in laws only child. he was our only child so we all cherished him. he belonged to the 5 of us. i pray for you i know each day is a struggle. if you need to talk i am here on facebook.
I came across your blog from a grief page on FB. However, what caught my eye was the fact that we are both mom's who have lost their son's to suicide. I also blog extensively about my son Michael.
Sometimes words help and sometimes they dont but I wanted to let you know how sorry I am for your hurt and the loss of your beloved son. There is such left over pain after a suicide, and so many answers that go unanswered.
I loved the picture of your son, and wish you peace in your grief journey
Lisa
Siesta4 - I am sorry to hear about the loss of Chris, 3 years ago. Why would someone who is so loved decide to do this? I struggle with this when I think of Josh or read your post. I only hope and pray that our loved ones have found peace.
Lisa- I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your beloved Michael. I'd like to read your blog if you don't mind. It helps to know and read about other survivors and their stories - to not feel so alone.
Sue, I have a couple of group photos from Homecoming 2008 that include Josh in the background. I didn't know him (my daughter was then a senior at SLHS)but was so sorry to hear what happened and I have followed your blog. Would you like me to send you the photos?
Yes please! If you have them in digital format, my email is jandermom@gmail.com. If not, please email me and I will give you my address. Thanks so much!
Sue,
I went to Toy Story III yesterday. It was suppose to be a fun time for Gigi and I...we took Joslene and Tami as well. I had no idea how it was going to hit me like a ton of bricks. I heard the song "you've got a friend in me and tears filled my eyes to overflowing.....All I could think of the whole time is how much our little boys loved Toy Story...Buzz and Woody...they played with these toys for hours on end. At the end of the movie Andy is 17 and going off to college...his toys are devestated and can't imagion life without him...I thought of Josh leaving us at 17 and how we are like those sad toys left behind...I cried so hard. I was hoping Giselle and Josslene would not see me..I could just not get a hold of myself.
When we were at Bustins Bryce and Giselle went out on the porch and she looked down at the hammock and said , "Uncle Joshie's Hammock" Bryce started crying so hard. Giselle said..."I made Daddy sad".
Since it was too hard for Bryce to go last year this was the first time he walked the island remembering Josh. He had many hard times as we all did. But, since it is the place we last spent time with him and since it was a place filled with memories of him....I felt very close to him. I feel Giselle has such a connection with Uncle Josh and when she mentioned him several times while we were there...it made me feel he WAS there with us.
It does not seem to get easier for us either Sue...we love you sooo much!!!
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