6th Mother's Day - Song: I Turn To You

Holidays for me are now measured in relation to Josh's passing.  Instead of this being my 29th Mother's Day, I mark it as the 6th, sans Josh.  Tim and the kids work extra hard to make sure this day is special; I even received a recording of Gillian singing this song to me with sweet thoughts at the end - like an audio card.  I think she would be embarrassed if I posted her cover of the song so you can click here to listen to the original artist.

I Turn To You 

by Christina Aguilera

When I'm lost in the rain,

In your eyes I know I'll find the light,

To light my way.

When I'm scared and losing ground,

when my world is going crazy,

You can turn it all around.

And when I'm down,

you're there pushing me to the top.

You're always there 

giving me all you've got.

For a shield from the storm,

For a friend, 

For a love to keep me safe and warm,

I turn to you.

For the strength to be strong,

For the will to carry on.

For everything you do,

For everything that's true

I turn to you.

When I lose the will to win,

I just reach for you and I can reach the sky again.

I can do anything, 

'cause your love is so amazing,

'cause your love inspires me.

And when I need a friend,

you're always on my side.

Giving me faith taking me through the night.

For a shield from the storm,

For a friend, 

For a love to keep me safe and warm,

I turn to you.

For the strength to be strong,

For the will to carry on,

For everything you do,

I turn to you.

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain,

For truth that will never change,

For someone to lean on.

For a heart I can rely on through anything.

For the one who I can run to 

I turn to you.

For a shield from the storm,

For a friend, 

For a love to keep me safe and warm,

I turn to you.

For the strength to be strong,

For the will to carry on,

For everything you do,

For everything that's true

I turn to you.

Happy Mother's Day Mom. I still turn to you...whenever I have a problem...whenever I need a friend.  I'm so thankful and lucky to have you as my mom.  I love you. 

Of course, listening to the song made me cry but not because of how touched I was to have this dedicated to me but because of Josh - how I was not this way for him and because of that he is gone.  I've come a realize a very painful truth recently and that is, while I have 100% forgiven Josh for his action, I have not forgiven myself.

Any my feelings go deeper - I do not even feel forgiveness is deserved and as I peer into the future, I cannot imagine a time when this would be true.

I know this feeling is irrational and untrue but it is deep, strong and powerful.  So I know there is more healing to be done within my heart.

RIP Josh - my biggest regret is that I was not a better mom to you.

Love,
Mom