For some reason, these blog posts have become more and more difficult to write. Is it because the raw, open pain that desperately needed an outlet has lessened to an ever present throb that I must learn to live with on a daily basis? Or is it because when I sit down to write a post, I must face my feelings about Josh's tragic suicide and right now, it is easier to just watch TV and work on my "Footprints" cross stitch pattern. Or read a book. Or work on my photo scanning project. Even cleaning the house, doing the laundry, running or working are more preferable than facing my feelings.
Strange - a few months ago, my feelings and thoughts were in constant need of expression, whether via my journal or this blog. A dormant writer emerged from the overwhelming depths of pain, sorrow, guilt and grief. These days, the well has run dry. The budding writer has retreated. My mind is blank when sitting at the computer. For what else is there to say?
All the questions that went round and round in my head after finding our beloved Josh no longer alive are still there - no answers have been found. How are we dealing with this unbearable loss? "One day at a time" remains our motto. How is my heart? It is still broken. Has it become easier to accept his premature death? No, it is still unbelievable.
Grieving over the death of a child for a period of months is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I feel empty. Like someone has popped a balloon and all that is left is a small piece of elastic material. Any energy I have is reserved for getting through each day: working, keeping up with the house, training for the upcoming half marathon, and being there for our surviving children. After that, there is nothing left.
Maybe my mind and heart have needed a "break" as after today, time will be marching on toward the 1 year anniversary of Josh's death - March 18th, 2010. All three of our children will be home and I hear friends from out-of-town plan to travel to be with us. I would like to do something special, but have not gotten very far in making plans for when I start thinking about this day, all I can do is cry.
Our lives were completely shattered when Josh decided to leave us. It is hard recovering from something like this. Thank you for continuing to remember us in your thoughts and prayers. We do feel them and it does help.
God Bless
God Bless
6 comments:
I did not know Josh nor do I know you or your family. I happened on your blog by chance awhile back and have followed it ever since. Everytime I find myself reading it I start to cry and need to stop reading. I cannot imagine how you and your family are coping with such a terrible loss.
I lost a friend to suicide almost two years ago. It will be two years in September. I miss him and find myself haunted by similar questions. I do my best to be there for his wife and in the end I think she understands it better than I do but I'm afraid to ask for fear of causing her more grief.
Although we do not know each other, I think of you and of Josh often. I doubt there is anything I can ever do that will help, but please no that you can always ask. Even if it is just to talk to someone who didn't know him and to tell them about him.
Heather
Tim and Sue,
Thoughts of Josh have been with us all day today...we had not talked about him with each other this morning but got home tonight with his memory having been very much on both our minds.
We love you, Jack and Cathy
You are in my thoughts and prayers constantly, through every stage of your grieving. A social worker at my work often tells bereaved parents "although there may be a few 'wrong' ways to grieve, there are many 'right' ways to grieve". I hope you are feeling our love and support continually as you are experiecing your own, personal grief process.
As always, S and I are thinking of you all today.
xoxo
Sue,
I have thought of you all day as always...when someone said that today was the 18th...it was like a knife went right into my heart. We have Candy, Sienna and Tasia here visiting to see HaiLee. Sienna and I looked at so many pictures last night and we were sharing great memories of Josh.
I have been thinking all day about this month last year. Life was so crazy here and so much was going on but I wish I could beam myself back and do something. Anything.
I love you Sue so much!
Sue and Tim,
You both are a rock to us, we know the pain is still fresh but you both press on and continue through life. This awesome display of strength gives us great courage to handle anything that comes our way.
We too pray continually for all of you and know God is wrapping His strong and gentle arms around all of you.
We love you GREATLY!!
Judy and Jim.
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