For some reason, these blog posts have become more and more difficult to write. Is it because the raw, open pain that desperately needed an outlet has lessened to an ever present throb that I must learn to live with on a daily basis? Or is it because when I sit down to write a post, I must face my feelings about Josh's tragic suicide and right now, it is easier to just watch TV and work on my "Footprints" cross stitch pattern. Or read a book. Or work on my photo scanning project. Even cleaning the house, doing the laundry, running or working are more preferable than facing my feelings.
Strange - a few months ago, my feelings and thoughts were in constant need of expression, whether via my journal or this blog. A dormant writer emerged from the overwhelming depths of pain, sorrow, guilt and grief. These days, the well has run dry. The budding writer has retreated. My mind is blank when sitting at the computer. For what else is there to say?
All the questions that went round and round in my head after finding our beloved Josh no longer alive are still there - no answers have been found. How are we dealing with this unbearable loss? "One day at a time" remains our motto. How is my heart? It is still broken. Has it become easier to accept his premature death? No, it is still unbelievable.
Grieving over the death of a child for a period of months is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I feel empty. Like someone has popped a balloon and all that is left is a small piece of elastic material. Any energy I have is reserved for getting through each day: working, keeping up with the house, training for the upcoming half marathon, and being there for our surviving children. After that, there is nothing left.
Maybe my mind and heart have needed a "break" as after today, time will be marching on toward the 1 year anniversary of Josh's death - March 18th, 2010. All three of our children will be home and I hear friends from out-of-town plan to travel to be with us. I would like to do something special, but have not gotten very far in making plans for when I start thinking about this day, all I can do is cry.
Our lives were completely shattered when Josh decided to leave us. It is hard recovering from something like this. Thank you for continuing to remember us in your thoughts and prayers. We do feel them and it does help.