Josh and Nick's Suicides ARE Linked to FCPS ZT Policy: Updated 6/10/2011

This post has been created in honor of Josh Anderson (3/18/2009) and Nick Stuban (1/20/2011)

Both of these boys should be alive: Josh as a freshman in college and Nick as a high school sophomore. While their offenses were different, the feelings were the same: helplessness, hopelessness and despair due to the punishment given by Fairfax County Public Schools and as a result, both are gone. In their prime of life. And the saddest thing of all is that if treated differently, they would still be here.

Additional thought: Actually, what is so horrific about all of this is that if the policy was reviewed and reformed after Josh's death, then Nick would still be alive. To me, this falls squarely at the feet of the Fairfax County School Board and Superintendent.

There has been much in the media after Nick's death resulting in increased public pressure for the School Board and Superintendent Jack Dale to revise the draconian disciplinary policies. Two members of the Fairfax Board of Supervisors are calling for it. And any parent who has read the moving article by Donna St. George in Sunday's Washington Post (2/20/11) about the Stuban's experience and Nick's suicide should be afraid, angry and get involved in the call for reform. Why? Because the disciplinary policies could ensnare you and your child.

Teens are teens. Despite everything you do to keep your kids on the "straight and narrow"....you know what I mean: the "talks", the warnings, the curfews, the vetting of friends, careful monitoring of sleepovers, dishing out of consequences when rules are broken, all of the things that conscientious parents do, please listen when I say this - when they are in high school, all bets are off.

Josh was not a bad kid. And while I don't believe his words about drug use in high school were entirely true, "Mom, everyone is doing it", it is more prevalent than what I want to think and believe. He was a repeat offender, despite everything we were trying to do, and I realize he will not garner the same sympathy as Nick, but he was not a bad kid. We don't condone what he did but he should not have been made to feel like a criminal. He was guilty of being dumb, stupid and making really bad choices, but he was not a bad kid. He was not a threat to other students in FCPS and as such, he should not have faced expulsion to an alternative school or from the county. He should've have been punished, absolutely. And severely so. But not by removing him from his school, friends, athletic opportunities and support system. We believe this was too harsh. (Read this post for our experience)

Tim is keeping me abreast of the comments on the recent articles. I understand that just as Josh will be judged "guilty as charged", having been caught twice, the same will be for us as his parents. What were we teaching him? How permissive were we? Why couldn't we control our own son so that he would stay away from drugs? At the risk of sounding defensive, and I will only do this once, our other three kids will serve as as our parental "resume".

• Tyler (26) graduated from TJ, short for the the nationally renowned Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology. According to the US News and World Report, it is the #1 high school in the country, securing the top spot each of the three years they have ranked schools. He graduated from the Terry College of Business at the University of Georgia, is married and working as an account executive at a telemarketing firm.
• Lauren (23) went to Langley HS and after graduating from the top ranked McIntire School of Commerce at the University of Virginia, is now working as a financial analyst at a mid market investment banking firm.
• Gillian (20) is also a TJ graduate and is currently a 3rd year student at the University of Virginia, majoring in psychology and minoring in film study.

Everyone in our area knows how difficult it is to get into TJ. And all who live in Virginia know how steep the competition is to receive the coveted UVA acceptance letter as it is the #2 top public university in the country. Parents also know the challenge that college graduates face in securing good jobs in this tough economy. While all the credit goes to our kids for their accomplishments, I believe they would say that parental love and support was paramount to their success.

Why am I sharing more about our family? Only to say this: If it can happen to us and now to the Stuban's, it can happen to anyone. Our hearts go out to Nick's parents. Unfortunately we know the nightmare they are living. Tim and I implore parents to wake up and demand change for the sake of your children....before other lives are irrevocably damaged or heaven forbid, lost.

Below are media links in chronological order. The intent is to have everything on one post for easy reference.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Suicide death of our 17 year old beloved son

Joshua Lee Anderson

Wednesday (3/25/09)

Reston Connection: "Saxons, Seahawks Mourn Teammate"

Sunday (4/5/09)
Washington Post: "Unbending Rules on Drugs in Schools Drive One Teen to the Breaking Point" by Marc Fisher

Monday (4/6/09)
Washington Post - Raw Fisher: "Zero Tolerance: Cure Can Be Harsher Than Crime" by Marc Fisher

The New York Times Parenting Blog: "A Zero-Tolerance Policy, and a Suicide" by Lisa Belkin


Tuesday (4/14/09)
Washington Post - Raw Fisher: "Zero Tolerance: Parents Talk Tough, But Are They Really?" by Marc Fisher


Wednesday (4/29/09)
Reston Connection: "Seahawks Ready for Postseason Breakthrough" by Rich Sanders

Tuesday (10/13/09)
Washington Post - The Answer Sheet blog post: "Checking It Out: Zero Tolerance or Zero Sense?" by Valerie Strauss

Friday (9/17/10)
Gazette: "One Strike, They're Out" by Julia O'Donoghue

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Suicide death of 15 year old beloved son

Nicholas L. Stuban

Saturday (1/22/11)
Washington Post: "Student Death Stirs Up Fairfax: Disciplinary policies scrutinized after student death in Fairfax. Suicide suspected after suspension and transfer" by Donna St. George

Monday (1/24/11)

Fairfax City Patch: "Student's Death Opens Old Wounds" by Whitney Rhodes

Thursday (1/27/11)
Burke Connections: "Mantua Teenager Remembered: Nick Stuban, 15, participated in Woodson football, Boy Scouts" by Julia O'Donoghue

Tuesday (2/8/11)
Fairfax County Board of Supervisors (BOS) Resolution: "Fairfax County Public Schools Zero Tolerance Policy" by Supervisor Catherine M. Hudgins (Hunter Mill District) and Supervisor Penny Gross (Mason District)

Friday (2/11/11)
FCPS Superintendent Jack D. Dale: "Statement to Members of the Fairfax County BOS"


Washington Post: "School Superintendent Jack D. Dale Defended Fairfax County's Discipline Policies "by Donna St. George

Reston Patch: "Supervisor Hudgins Explains 'Zero Tolerance' Remarks"

Reston Patch: "Schools Superintendent Blasts Hunter Mill Supervisor" by Karen Goff


Tuesday (2/15/11)
Oakton Patch: "County, School Officials Spar Over Disciplinary Process' Link to Student Suicides" by Whitney Rhodes

Reston Patch Opinion: "Gibson: 'Our Students Deserve Better": Hunter Mill School Board rep says county BOS should stay out of zero tolerance debate.

Sunday (2/20/11)
Washington Post: "Student's Suspension Furthered His Despair: Suicide turns attention to Fairfax County's discipline procedures" by Donna St. George


Washington Post - The Answer Sheet blog post: "Why School Zero Tolerance Policies Make No Sense"by Valerie Strauss


Monday (2/21/11):
6 page letter from the Rutherford Institute to Superintendent Jack Dale titled "Nick Stuban and Fairfax County Public Schools Disciplinary Process"

The Rutherford Institute News: "Rutherford Institute Denounces Zero Tolerance, Calls On Fairfax School District to Reform Disciplinary Process in Wake of Student Suicide"


Washington Post: "Family of Fairfax Teen Suicide Victim Wants Changes in School Disciplinary Policies" by Donna St. George

Washington Post: "A Temperance Movement Springs Up to Combat Fairfax County Schools' Zero Tolerance Policy" by Petula Dvorak

Channel 9 News: "Father of Suicide Victim Demands Changes in School Policy"

Connection: "School Discipline: Broken or Perfect? Jack Dale criticizes concerns linking teen suicides to suspensions" by Julia O'Donoghue

Tuesday (2/22/11):
Washington Post - The Answer Sheet: "Jack Dale's response to Stuban Family Letter"

Springfield Connection: "Time to Talk about 'Discipline': Schools need to consider the best interests of the student" by Mary Kimm

Wednesday (2/23/11):
Oakton Patch: "Dale Points to State Zero Tolerance Policies to Explain FCPS Actions" by Whitney Rhodes

Fairfax City Patch: "Reed Responds to Zero Tolerance Debate" (Patricia Reed is the school board member for the Providence District, which includes Woodson HS)

Washington Post: "VA Teen's Suicide Prompts MD Review of Disciplinary Policies" by Donna St. George

Washington Post Opinon: "The Rationale for Strict High School Discipline" by David Campbell, teacher at Centreville HS

Washington Post Opinion: "No Second Chances at Fairfax Schools" by Robert Guerra

Washington Post Editorial: "Fairfax County Should Reconsider Its Zero Tolerance School Discipline"

Saxon Scope: "Is 'Zero Tolerance' Not Enough?" by Terra Holderman

Thursday (2/24/11)
Channel 9 news: "Fairfax School Officials Defend Discipline Policy"

Dignity in Schools: "Zero Tolerance, Zero Consideration" by Joao Da Silva

abc2news: "Virginia teen's death prompts Maryland to review zero tolerance polices"

Scrippsnews: "School's Rigid Adherence to Rules Proves Fatal" by Dan Thomasson

Friday (2/25/11)

Channel 9 News: "Parents of Suicide Victim Speak on Camera, Blast School System"

myfoxdc: "Fairfax County School Policy under Review After Teen Suicide" by Audrey Barnes

FCPS News Release: "Fairfax County School Board to Review Discipline Topics"

Washington Post: "Fairfax County School Board To Review Discipline Policies" by Donna St. George

Monday (2/28/11)

Washington Post - Two letters to the Editor: "Removing Students: Fair or Foul?" by Crystal Shin, Charlottesville and Michael Wilcove, Rockville

Washington Examiner: "Fairfax Suicide Prompts VA Task Force on School Discipline" by Lisa Gartner

Wednesday (3/2/11)
Washington Examiner Local Editorial: "Zero Tolerance' Policies Do Lasting Damage"


Friday (3/4/11)

Washington Post Opinons: "What 'Zero Tolerance" Meant For My Son" by Sonia Mey-Schmidt

Wednesday (3/9/11)

Washington Examiner Local Editorial: "Zero Tolerance" Policies do Lasting Damage"

Thursday (3/10/11) -

Washington Post: "Teenage Suspended from Fairfax County over Acne Drug" by Donna St. George

McLean Patch Mom's Chat: "Disciplinary Process Needs Reform: Don't Crush Our Kid's Dreams"

Friday (3/11/11)

Washington Post's The Answer Sheet: "5 Myths About Zero-Tolerance Disciplinary Policies" by Valerie Strauss

Vienna Patch: "Stubans to Parents: Commit to FCPS Reform"

Vienna Patch: "FCPS Discipline Reform Group Plans for Monday's School Board Session" by Whitney Rhodes

Saturday (3/12/11)
Washington Post: "A Temperance Movement Springs Up to Combat Fairfax County Schools' Zero Tolerance Policy" by Petula Dvorak

Sunday (3/13/11)
Time Magazine: "Zero Tolerance, Zero Sense" by Nancy Gibbs

Monday (3/14/11)

Washington Post Local Breaking News Blog: "Fairfax Holds Hearings on School Discipline Policies" by Donna St. George

Reston Patch: "School Board Considers More 'Holistic' Approach to Discipline" by Whitney Rhodes

Red Apple Mom Blog post: "The "Fear Factor" in FCPS School Discipline"

Channel 9 News: "Fairfax School Policy Reviewed After Expulsions" by Peggy Fox


FCPS School Board Agenda and Topics for all day work session: "Review of Student Disciplinary Process"

Tuesday (3/15/11)
Washington Post Education: "In the Aftermath of Student's Suicide, Fairfax Board Examines Discipline Policies" by Donna St. George

Channel 9 News: "Virginia Education Leader Wants Reviews for all Disciplined Student" by Peggy Fox

Wednesday (3/16/11)
Fairfax Times: "School Board Considers Changing its Discipline Policy" by Holly Hobbs

Washington Post: "Fairfax County School Board to Review Discipline Policies" by Donna St. George

Saturday (3/19/11)
Washington Post's Higher Education: "Fairfax Schools' Discipline Policies Up for Review: Parents Seek More Leniency" by Donna St. George

Sunday (3/20/11)
Reston Patch: "Parents Push for Changes to Disciplinary Process" by Sherell Williams

Tuesday (3/22/11)
Washington Post: "Fairfax Schools Chief Says System is Seeking Ways to Improve Discipline Process" by Donna St. George

Fox News: "Community Meeting Held to Discuss Fairfax County Schools Disciplinary Process" by Wisdom Martin

Wednesday (3/23/11)
WAMU 88.3 DC: "Kojo in Your Community: Discipline in the Fairfax County Schools"

Fairfax City Patch: "Stubans Call Out Involuntary Transfers, Want Discipline Changes Now" by Whitney Rhodes and Bobbi Bowman

Radio Without All the Noise: "Kojo Explores FCPS Disciplinary Policies with McLean Community" by Jonathan Wilson

Thursday (3/24/11)
Falls Church News Press.com: "Commentary on March 20th Town Hall Meeting" by Penny Gross, Mason District Supervisor of Fairfax Board of Supervisors

Monday (3/28/11)
Washington Post: "Fairfax Schools Consider Recording Student Disciplinary Hearings" by Donna St. George

Wednesday (3/30/11)
Reston Patch: "Dale Recommends Relief for Students Caught with Meds, But What About Others?" by Whitney Rhodes

WTOP: "'Zero Tolerance' May be Amended in Fairfax Schools" by Hank Silverberg

Fairfax Times: "School Board to Address Expulsion, Transfers" by Holly Hobbs

Channel 9 News: "Fairfax Schools Superintendent Proposes Changes To Discipline Process" by Peggy Fox

NBC News: "Superintendent Suggests Plan to Improve Discipline in Schools"

Fox News: "Virginia Task Force Meets with Student's Father to Discuss School Disciplinary Program"

Thursday (3/31/11)

Washington Post: "Dale Proposes Changes to Fairfax Discipline Process" by Donna St. George

Fairfax Times Opinion: "A Primer on Fairfax County Public School's Disciplinary Process" by David Hirsch, attorney with Fairfax-based law firm

Fairfax Times: "School Discipline Process Can Be Improved" by Kathy Smith, Chairman of the Fairfax County School Board

March 2011
Child Trends Brief: "Multiple Responses, Promising Results: Evidence-Based, Nonpunitive Alternatives to Zero Tolerance" by Christopher Boccanfuso, Ph.D and Megan Kuhfeld B.S.

Sunday (4/3/11)
Washington Post Local Opinion: "How Fairfax Can Get School Discipline Right" by Caroline Hemenway and Janet Otersen, co-founders of FairfaxZeroToleranceReform.org

Monday (4/4/11)
Washington Examiner: "Fairfax School Board Weighs Changes to Discipline Policy" by Lisa Gartner

Washington Post:  "Revamp of Fairfax School Discipline Rules Continues" by Donna St. George

Fox News: "No Changes to Fairfax County Public Schools Discipline Policy" by Sherri Ly

Wednesday (4/6/11)
FairfaxCityPatch: "Gibson: There Needs To Be Consequences for Drug Offenders in Schools" by Karen Goff

Wednesday (4/20/11)
Washington Post: "Penalties for Drug Offenses Weigh Heavily on Students" by Donna St. George

Tuesday (5/10/11)
Vienna Patch: "Madison, Thoreau Principals Open Dialogue on School Discipline" by Elizabeth Vandenburg

Channel 9 News: "Are School's Zero Tolerance Policies Going Too Far?" 

Saturday (5/14/11)
Washington Post: "Fairfax Discipline Proposals Issued" by Donna St. George

Tuesday (5/17/11)
Vienna Patch: "School Board Mulls Parental Notification, Access to Hearing Recording in Discipline Work Session" by Sherell Williams

Washington Post: "Fairfax County School Board Weighs Changes to Discipline Policies" by Donna St. George

FairfaxTimes.com: "School Board: Discipline Proposal Not Enough" by Holly Hobbs

Tuesday (6/7/11)
Vienna Patch: "FZTR Hopes School Board's SR&R Vote Isn't Final Call" by Whitney Rhodes

Thursday (6/9/11)
Washington Post: "Fairfax May Reexamine Forced School Transfers in Discipline Cases" by Donna St. George

Channel 9 News (5:00 pm):  "Parents of Son Who Committed Suicide Rally for Changes" by Peggy Fox

Channel 9 News (11:00 pm): "Disciplinary Policy Changes Coming To Fairfax County Public Schools"

Channel 4 News (11:00 pm): "Fairfax Schools Zero Tolerance Policies Nixed" by Darcy Spencer

Friday (6/10/11)
Washington Post: "Fairfax Scales Back Discipline Policy" by Donna St. George

Vienna Patch: "School Board Votes to Make Discipline Process More Flexible, Supportive" by Naomi Nix

ABC 7 News: "Fairfax Parents, Students Glad Over the Change in Discipline Policies" by Gail Pennybaker

Saturday (6/11/11)
Vienna Patch: "School Board: Discipline Changes Won't End 'Involuntary Transfer' Option" by Naomi Nix

23 Months Later - February 18, 2011

C.S Lewis, celebrated author of beloved books such as The Chronicles of Narnia and Mere Christianity poured out his heart in a journal after the passing of his beloved wife, "H".  His honest and gripping thoughts are recorded in a small book called A Grief Observed. 

Being a journal writer myself, the foreword by author Madeline L'Engle resonates:

"It is all right to wallow in one's journal; it is a way of getting rid of self-pity and self-indulgence and self-centeredness.  What we work out in our journals we don't take out on family and friends.  I am grateful to Lewis for the honesty of his journal of grief, because it makes quite clear that the human being is allowed to grieve, that it is normal, it is right to grieve, and the Christian is not denied this natural response to loss."

There are a number of quotes from the book that speak to me.  One analogy, however, accurately describes the impact of the devastating loss on a survivor's life.  No matter how long it has been since the death.  It reinforces what is mentioned in a previous post, that I will NEVER "get over" Josh's death.

"Getting over it so soon?  But the words are ambiguous.  To say the patient is getting over it after an operation for appendicitis is one thing: after he's had his leg off it is quite another.  After that operation either the wounded stump heals or the man dies.  If it heals, the fierce, continuous pain will stop.  Presently he'll get back his strength and be able to stump about on his wooden leg.  He has 'got over it.'  But he will probably have recurring pains in the stump all his life, and perhaps pretty bad ones; and he will always be a one-legged man.  There will be hardly any moment when he forgets it. Bathing, dressing, sitting down and getting up again, even lying in bed, will all be different.  His whole way of life will be changed.  All sorts of pleasures and activities that he once took for granted will have to be simply written off.  Duties too.  At present I am learning to get about on crutches.  Perhaps I shall presently be given a wooden leg.  But I shall never be biped again."

Then later he writes:

"Did you know, dear, how much you took away with you when you left?  You have stripped me even of my past, even of the things we never shared.  I was wrong to say the stump was recovering from the pain of amputation.  I was deceived because it has so many ways to hurt me that I discover them only one by one."

At present, I have a prosthetic leg which works pretty well.  In fact, so well that people who meet me for the first time would not know that I am an amputee.  That I am a mother who has lost a son.  I function at at a high level on my job, teach three aerobics classes a week, am interested in renewing previously enjoyed experiences like skiing, am planning a trip to New Zealand with Lauren to visit Gillian while there for a study abroad program, and for all intensive purposes, to someone on the outside, I have recovered.

But that is a facade.  You see, the chopping off of my leg was so violent, like the horrible scenes from Civil War movies when the poor solidiers had no anesthesia when faced with the ax; that to recover completely from this deep wound or trauma may never happen.  I am lucky, I suppose that there has been no complications from the amputation.  No insomnia or nightmares.  No anxiety or depression.  No suicidal thoughts of my own.  But there is fear.  That something will happen to one of my three surviving children.  That as a mother,  I might suffer more.

(See post on my reading blog for more.)

Motive for Suicide - Not Wanting to be a Burden?

It is almost 2 years since Josh's decision to leave us - can it be that long already?  It doesn't seem possible.  I've picked up some survivor of suicide books to re-read; ones with chapters that addressed feelings farther down the grief journey than where I was at that time of the initial reading. 

One book, Take the Dimness of My Soul Away: healing after a loved one's suicide, by William Ritter is a series of sermons that the author gave at different points after his son's death.  In the last one, given nine years later, he recounts his feelings upon reviewing the film The Hours for a church event.  Having never seen the movie, it is now in my Netflix queue.  The subject matter is suicide.  And how the reason that one of the characters takes her life is that she doesn't want to continue to "spoil" her husband's life any longer.   He then recounts how several have come to him as their pastor with the same motive for their own suicidal thoughts: 

"...one of the things that always surfaces is their belief that, in choosing death, they will be doing the world a favor....their family a favor...their friends a favor.  Sometimes they will be quite specific about the ways in which their departure will make someone else's life easier.  Those remaining will now have more time, more money, less worry, or less fury.  They really believe that.  Because if they didn't, they couldn't end their lives.  Or wouldn't."

Did Josh feel this way?  I have to believe he did.  Because at this time of his death, due to a very stupid mistake, he was facing unbearable consequences which not only affected him, but us as well.  And I think the mountain of guilt, anxiety, fear and frustration was too much.  He was disappointed in himself and knew we were as well.  What I feel guilty about now, almost two years later is that I am not sure that we made it crystal clear, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that it is was the action we were disappointed in, and not him.  He as a person.  His being.  

Why am I thinking of this now?  Because Jack Dale, the Superintendent of Fairfax County Public Schools in a response to the Board of Supervisors has effectively said that FCPS does not have a Zero Tolerance policy and that linking Josh's death to the disciplinary process "for the purpose of furthering a falsehood is unconscionable and a blow to those who have already suffered great pain and loss." 

Tim and I could not believe this.  How can he say there is no Zero Tolerance policy in FCPS?  How dare he say this!  And who is he to talk about a "blow to those who have already suffered great pain and loss"?  Is he talking about us?  How would he know?  Since that awful day, when the Hearing Office knew we were not coming because Josh had killed himself, we have heard nothing.  There was no phone call or letter of condolence  Silence.  Nothing from the Superintendent's office or any other office at FCPS.  Nothing from our elected School Board member either.   This to us, is "unconscionable".  I suppose they thought it would be an admission of guilt and were afraid of opening themselves up to liability and litigation, which was the furthest thing on our mind at the time.

I believe they are linked.  How can I not think that when our son took his life the day before our second time to the Hearing Office?  I have re-read our experience with that office, posted within a week after his death and there is absolutely nothing I would change.  It is what happened.  And our questions remain the same.

There is a parent advocacy group that is asking questions and wants reform.  For our kids...every one of them.  I have read the comments on the recent Post article about this topic and while many understand this policy is hurting rather than helping our kids, there are others who don't.  Who find this to be another example of parents not accepting full responsibility for their own and/or their kids' actions; instead, pointing the finger elsewhere.  The honest truth is that "pre-Josh", I probably would have agreed.  Until it happened to us.  Until our son was caught up in the horrible, humiliating, degrading suspension/expulsion process.  Where he was considered guilty from the get-go.  There was no due process and nothing remotely fair or compassionate about it.  (Other comments about the Superintendent's response on TOP radio and on the RedAppleMom blog.)

What is "unconscionable" is that Superintendent Dale is not taking the steps to review this policy, whatever he chooses to call it, to determine if it is working.  Is it helping our kids?   It is also "unconscionable" that FCPS, despite repeated requests by parents for statistics regarding this policy, refuses to release what should be public information.

Back to the book.....

What does this pastor say to those who confess their desire to leave?

I do not tell them I know what "wanting to leave" feels like.  But I do tell them I know what it feels like to be left.  That my life hasn't been better since Bill left.  That it's been worse.  For a long time....worse.  Years of worse.  Then I say, "Look, I can't promise that things are going to turn around for you, turn up for you, or get better for you.  I think they are.  But if you can't see that, I can't force you to wear my glasses.  All I can say to you is this: When you reach the point where you can't come up with a single reason to stay alive one more day, then stay alive as a gift to somebody.  Maybe you'll tell them. Probably you won't.  But if you stay alive as a gift for one day, you may just be able to stay alive for two days.  Then who knows, maybe you can go for three."

I wish Josh could've heard these words.  Maybe it would have gotten him through that dark, dark night when he only saw one way out.

"Will To Live"

I don't know if it is just me, but every week, I hear or read about a heartbreaking story of another teen suicide.  I don't remember hearing very much "pre-Josh."  Were these tragedies always around, but I wasn't aware?  Did I see articles in the paper and just skim over them, thinking foolishly, "this does not apply to me?"  

This week, a family member sent Tim this link to a Boston Globe article about an ex-Red Sox player who is a "member of the saddest club on earth."  John Trautwein's son Will, age 15, took his life last October.  He sounds a lot like Josh,...he "had so many friends and he was big and strong and good-looking and popular."  And then the haunting words from the dad, "We really don't know."  What is left unsaid - the loudest word to parents like us: WHY?

They have started a foundation in his name called the Will To Live Foundation.  It is focused on getting "kids, teenagers and young adults involved in the fight against suicide."  The family's vision statement ends with this: "Quite simple, this community, your community cannot stand any more empty rooms!  Help us help out kids find the Will to Live and prevent teen suicide together!"

I agree with this approach.  In fact, my daughter and I have been talking about how best to use the money that has been raised in Josh's fund.  We have about $12,000 and while I feel guilty that it has not been deployed as yet, to find the right place has not been easy.  For we want Josh's fund to support local, school-based programs that provide awareness, education and prevention of teen suicide and it does not seem like Fairfax County Public Schools has programs of this nature.  As I wrote about in a previous post, many kids do not or will not talk to anyone about their problems.  This means, they are their own last line of defense.  In order to successfully fight the rising trend of teen suicide, we must get in front of the kids.

Because of another tragic suicide in our area, it may be that the Superintendent of Schools, Jack Dale is ready to acknowledge the issue and stand behind programs that would raise awareness of teen depression/suicide.  While he attempts to deny that FCPS has a Zero Tolerance Policy in this recent Statement to the Fairfax County Board of Supervisors, and calls the linking of Josh's and Nick's death to the county's disciplinary processes "unconscionable" (I can't even go there right now), at least he seems ready to tackle what we would like to see - programs that address the mental well-being of our youth.  (Update: article about this statement in today's Washington Post.)

I am inspired by what Will's parents are doing and agree with their words,  "If we save just one life, then Will's (or Josh's) legacy is forever."

Grief Journey to Reading Journey - Chronicled in a New Blog

Since Josh took his life on March 18, 2009, I have been on a grief journey that is chronicled in this blog.  Curiously, this has given rise to another journey which a new blog will cover - a reading journey.

I have always loved a good book.  My definition was pretty specific. It had to be a fast read, a real page-turner.  Moving plot, engrossing story, believable characters.  Mystery, suspense, drama, romance, spy, thrillers - as long as the story moved quickly, I was happy to read it.

My reading was strictly for pleasure.  I wanted books that took me to another place.  I read quickly and skim the "boring" parts.  A very impatient reader.  Not appreciative of well constructed sentences or paragraphs.  I only wanted to read that which moved the plot forward.  Everything else was superfilous and unnecessary.

My habit was to read at night before going to sleep.  The problem with this, however, is that I retained very little of what I read.  So much so, that within a couple of days of finishing a book, I could not tell you the names of the characters or the basic plot.  In one ear and out the other.  But that was okay since it was all for pleasure anyway.

Then came my personal 9/11.  The day I found our youngest of four, our seventeen-year old son, dead.

Since that day, reading was no longer just for pleasure. It became necessary for my survival. I looked for books that helped me cope with his death.  This has taken me to new genres - ones I would never have looked at "pre-Josh".

• survivor of suicide books
• how to journal books
• parental bereavement books
• on suicide
• memoirs

From writing in a personal journal and on a public blog, I see the impact of words.  I have a greater appreciation and respect for authors  who can evoke feelings and emotions in a few short sentences. Who can use words to describe scenes so clearly that as a reader, you feel like you are there.

I was a Biology major.  And having despised high school English, I took one English class in college - and only because it was required.  As a result, I have not read many  of the classics.  Regretfully, the breadth of my reading is narrow.

Now, I am ready for a change.  I want to expand my reading horizon, by using lists like 1,001 Books to Read Before You Die.  I want to be a more thoughtful and discerning reader.  I want to become a better writer and the best way to do this, is to read.

We are nearing the 2 year mark since Josh has left our family.  My reading and writing have been a life preserver - I could not have survived without them.  I am actually excited about what adventures await me in books and look forward to chronicling them in the new blog. 

My Journal, My Friend

It is no exaggeration when I say that journal writing has saved me.  For it is where, day or night, I can pour out my heart without inhibition or censorship.  It is a place of safety and freedom where openness and honesty are paramount.  What I truly think and feel, the "real" me, resides in its bosom.  The good, bad and ugly.

The pages welcome my pen.  They do not judge.  They seek not to fix.  I am completely understood so clarification or re-explanation is unnecessary.  Sometimes it is a purging; my hand cannot write fast enough.  Other times, my thoughts are flitting and incoherent so cannot be snagged and immortalized on paper.  Many times, I journal about quotes from my reading that help solidify an unconscious thought, feeling or question.  Many such as the previous post or, this one, have ended up here.

As a mother, I have the horrible and nightmarish task of processing the suicide death of my 17-year old son, my baby.  Much lies underneath, in my sub and unconscious mind.  My journal is a place to face what is there with the faith that I'll only "see" what can be handled.  Many times, it is convoluted and strange.  Other times, it is just repetitive, like "why did he do it?"  Who know how many times I have written those words.  Or it is ever evolving.  Random thoughts today may be solidified or revised tomorrow.

Regardless, in these pages, I can think through, ponder, and ruminate on my "stuff",  which over time, is helping me to process Josh's death and the devastating impact to my heart, soul, mind and psyche.

Two helpful books are 1) Creative Journal Writing: the Art and Heart of Reflection by Stephanie Dowrick and 2) The New Diary: How to Use a Journal for Self-Guidance and Expanded Creativity by Tristine Rainer.  Some of my favorites quotes in Dowrick's book:

"I want to write, but more than that, I want to bring out all kinds of things that lie buried deep in my heart."   Anne Frank

"We do not write to be understood; we write in order to understand."     Cecil Day-Lewis

"Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us."   Meister Echkart

Rainer writes how a diarist, Anais Nin "used the diary not to escape from life but to live it more fully and deeply."  A number of journal writing books and memoirs have referenced "The Diary of Anais Nin" which is actually seven volumes.  I was lucky enough to find six at a used bookstore over the summer.  I'm currently reading through Volume I and the most meaningful quotes are below:

"I have been trying to be honest, day by day, in the diary."

"The diary began as a diary of a journey, to record everything for my father.  It was also to be an island, in which, I could take refuge in an alien land, write French, think my thoughts, hold on to my soul, to myself."

It is "the only steadfast friend I have, the only one which makes my life bearable; because my happiness with human beings is so precarious, my confiding moods rare, and the least sign of non-interest is enough to silence me.  In the journal I am at ease."

Since Josh's death, less than 2 years ago, I have filled up four books and am working on my fifth.  The fourth, and only book that I plan to use going forward has blank pages.  Uncertain about it at first, I now love the freedom to write, diagram, draw arrows, box, illustrate, list, color - anything I want within the pages.  The best news is that I found Piccadilly large notebooks that are the perfect size and price at Borders - for $5.99.  Whenever I see them, I stock up.

Writing utensils are important too, so say other books.  I agree now that I've found the perfect "journal-writing" pen, the Varsity disposable fountain pen by Pilot.  They are a bit pricey at $3.29 each but are worth it.

Is anyone else writing in a journal?  Are there things that have helped you? 

Another Suicide in Fairfax County - Similar to Josh

Yesterday, this article appeared in the Washington Post.  My heart sank as I read the words, "The apparent suicide of a 15 -year-old high school football player in Fairfax County has sparked concerns about the school district's disciplinary policies, which critics say are overly punitive and often debilitating for students."  Oh no, not another kid!  Not another family!  Not another mother!  Poor, poor mother.  

The article says he is an only child.  My heart breaks even more.  Her son will be buried with his football shirt #45.  Josh was buried in his #33 South Lakes jersey - the one he is wearing in the picture on the right side of this blog. 

As I as reading through the article, I was steeling myself for it.  For when his death would be mentioned.  It was at the end.  "Noting the 2009 death of Josh Anderson, 17, who committed suicide as he awaited hearing on a second marijuana offense: One death was enough.  Not a second one."

I didn't cry when I read this article.  I just felt numb and empty.  And very, very sad - knowing the pain facing his parents - now and in the months to come.  No, the tears did not come until hours later;  after doing the laundry, going to the grocery store, working on a new blog for myself, a reading blog; after trying to sleep and not being able to, finally getting up to write in my journal - that is when it hit me.  Note: my thoughts below are raw and uncensored; right from my journal.

The poor family.  His poor friends.  Another kid - dead.  I don't know what to write or how I feel.  Why?  I should be feeling a lot with this but just numb.  Blank.  Why has my handwriting shrunk all of a sudden?  While I am writing this?  My mind and heart are blank.  School officials are not saying much or what they say is status quo.  I HATE FCPS AND THEIR POLICIES.  That kill - literally - kill or if not kill, they maim and destroy our children.  Teens who are not bad and evil - they're just dumb.  They are guilty of being dumb.  Doing stupid things.  Thinking they will not get caught.  They don't connect behavior and consequences.  Impulsive.   

I guess this is what I really feel - that if we didn't live here, would Josh still be alive?  That in my heart of hearts, I place a lot of blame on the Zero Tolerance Policy - which subjected our son to a humiliating, degrading interrogation by cold-hearted School Board Hearing Officers.  So horrible that he could not face it again. Then I turn to myself.   I BLAME MYSELF.  That I did not see his inner turmoil.  That I didn't help him cope.  That I wasn't there for him in the way that he needed.  That if someone else were his mother, maybe he would be alive.  I feel complicit with his death.  That my good wasn't good enough.  I am so sorry Josh.  I am so, so sorry.  

I couldn't write my usual letter to him today - maybe this is why.  I didn't make the effort to visit him today - maybe this is why.  I couldn't sleep - maybe this is why.  This is really what is going on - MAJOR GUILT.  And now that I've allowed my conscious mind to see and feel it - it is smothering me.  

I am guilty.  

I am not the mother he needed. 

I was not enough for him. 

I am the reason he is dead.

It was 2 am when I wrote these words.  The empty kitchen was witness to my refreshed grief.  And even when the words flew from pen to paper, I thought, "It is 2am.  You are tired, emotional and not thinking straight.  Better go to bed."  And I did.  For some reason, it is cathartic to purge myself of all crazy thoughts and feelings onto empty pages that don't speak back, try to reason with me and say that I am talking rubbish.  No, my journal pages just take it.   I went to bed feeling empty, drained and exhausted. 

Woke up thinking about the last sentence I wrote the night before.  Do I really think I am the reason he is dead?  No, of course not.  In fact, if I were awake that fateful night, I would have tried to physically restrain him from his fatal action.  He would've had to knock me out to continue with his plans.  

So I understand that he did this to himself.  But I do feel, in the depths of my soul, a guilt that cannot be shaken or reasoned away.   I remember reading something early on that struck me, but I found it hard to relate to.  Not any more.  In the book, My Son, My Son: A Guide to Healing After Death, Loss and Suicide, Iris Bolton writes about guilt:

Guilt is perhaps the most punishing stage of all.  I remember that first day sitting on my bed saying over and over, "What have I done wrong?  If only I had done more." My senses told me that I'd failed as a parent, failed myself, failed my son.  The word I used to describe my condition was foul.  Irrationally I thought I must indeed be foul for my son to prefer death to living with me and our family.  Guilt hits hard and flits in and out of other moods. 

I am lacking as a parent.  Or more specifically, as Josh's mother.  And I don't write this to solicit vehement comments to the contrary.  Everyone has a cross to bear and I think this is mine.  I can't absolve myself of this guilt.  For how could I not be found guilty when my own son chose to take his life?   

Suicide of a child means enormous guilt for the mother.   Any child.  Any mother.  Cause and effect.  One leads to the other.  It is what a mother unwittingly signs up for, once she has given birth to her baby. Or first holds an adopted child in her arms. It is a tragedy that you can never be prepared for, never expect to be part of your family history.  So when the nightmare occurs, when it really happens to you, the waves of shock and disbelief eventually gives way to guilt.  A guilt so large, it defies measurement. 

Tim sent me a link to another article in the FairfaxCityPatch called "Student's Death Opens Old Wounds."  The "old wounds" refers to Josh's death.  This will never be an "old" wound for me.

22 Months Later - January 18, 2011

A dear friend recently lost her father and I sent her a sympathy card with this saying:

"To remember is another way to love"

I have seen evidence recently of how much Josh is loved and continues to be - even almost 2 years later. Two days ago, there were almost 100 posts on his Facebook wall from friends wishing him "Happy Birthday" and sharing how much they loved and missed him. And not only on his birthday, but on high school graduation day, before going to college, during the holidays - friends posted throughout the year.

The tear spigots turn on as I read these posts - so sincere, so poignant, so genuine. I am moved by how his friends, despite everything going on in their lives, have not forgotten him. The uninhibitedness with which they express their love - this from both guys and girls. How could he not see how much he was loved? How many would be affected by his death?

The book, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, is a moving memoir by Maya Angelou, who describes her life as a young black girl trying to understand why she is judged by her skin color when she feels as human as any white person. These words are towards the end of the book, when she speaks of the "coming of age" process. It really struck me.

To be left alone on the tightrope of youthful unknowing is to experience the excruciating beauty of full freedom and the threat of eternal indecision. Few, if any survive their teens. Most surrender to the vague but murderous pressure of adult conformity. It becomes easier to die and avoid conflicts than to maintain a constant battle with the superior forces of maturity.

I wrote in my journal:

For some reason, this rings true of Josh. Describes the vulnerable teen. What our young people face. Pressures from within, from their peers, from adults - parents, grandparents, teachers, coaches. Are there some kids, whose internal make-up need more time to mature and develop before asked to navigate the space between adolescence and adulthood?

Are there some kids, so adverse to conflict, that they would literally rather die?

We wanted Josh to grow up, be mature, be responsible, act his age. "Forty years ago," I'd say, "kids your age were going off to war with guns in their hands. Can you just PLEASE think about the consequences of your behavior before doing something really dumb?"

Our expectations obviously did not help him cope with life. Didn't help him with finding an alternative to suicide. Did we expect too much? More than he was emotionally ready for? It is a difficult question because we think, at times, that since he was the youngest and the baby of the family that we did too much. Maybe didn't allow his character to be tested enough. I vacillate back and forth - did we expect too much of him or not enough? Were we too strong or not strong enough? Did we push him too much or not enough?

I find myself on a mental merry-go-round with these thoughts. None of which will change the situation - the fact that he is gone. So it is futile, I know, but my mind doesn't want to let it go. It is a form of "guilt jail" built for myself so that no matter where I turn, as his mother, I am responsible. I was not good enough. I did not give him what he needed. I did not notice his fatal frame of mind. I missed something. I did not do enough or I did too much. I did not say enough, or I said too much.

Many times I tell myself, "You did the best you could," and sometimes, I believe it. But not always. And back in the "grief jail" I go - even twenty-two months later.

Happy Birthday Josh - January 16, 2011

Josh would be 19 years old today...if he were alive. These months are harder than usual because they make up a "season of grief", as one of my books calls it. This happens when your deceased child's birthday and death anniversary fall within a three month period of time. Add in Christmas and New Years and it is a triple header.

I was going to Josh's grave site today to place "Happy Birthday" balloons, lost in thought while listening to an audiobook, and was jolted to reality by the harsh, loud sounds of an ambulance and fire truck racing by. They turned into a subdivision and I was immediately brought back to the day that Josh died. I had called Tim, hysterical, after finding Josh. He called 911 and before I knew it, sirens were screaming down our street and stopping in front of our home. Paramedics came racing up the stairs and shooed me out of his room. I remember looking out the front window, seeing the red trucks and thinking, "I can't believe this is happening to us."

Today, as I watched the trucks enter the neighborhood, I thought of the poor soul in need of help and hoped that it was not too late. Then I thought of those paramedics who have answered other 911 calls last year and found teenagers, just like Josh, dead by their own hand. How many have there been in our area? How are the parents and families coping? How do the paramedics handle seeing such tragedy?

As time marches me towards the 2-year death anniversary on March 18th, like a conveyer belt that I cannot escape from, I think about my "grief journey". Words flow through my mind that describe the terrible work needed to come to grips with the loss of my beloved boy. Words like:

• assimilate
• integrate
• incorporate
• comprehend
• take in
• reconcile
• come to terms with
• adjust to
• accept
• resign
• submit to

The magnitude of losing a child is so great, that the reality can only be faced in small doses. Only as much as a mother's breaking heart can bear. There is a frailty and fragility to my soul now - despite what may be seen from the outside. Painfully aware that our family is not immune to tragedy, my greatest fear is if something happened to one of our other three children. I tell God that I could not survive it and beg Him to please spare them. "If one must go," I say, "take me."

Today was cold and blustery at the cemetery with the wind cutting through my jeans and gloves. "Partly sunny, partly cloudy," the weatherman would say. The ringing chimes in the trees reminded me of church bells. While securing the balloons to the vase, I noticed two items placed in the hole that holds his vase. I didn't recognize them as Josh's but they very well could be. I don't know who has done this or the significance of the items, but am happy that others visit him, just as I do.

Happy 19th Birthday Josh. We love and miss you. R.I.P.

Love,

Dad and Mom

The Death of a Friend

I was baking cookies the other night when a friend's call informed me of the sudden death of another dear, gracious, sweet friend. A few weeks ago, I had learned that she had been diagnosed with cancer and was awaiting test results and prognosis. I don't think anyone thought her death would be this sudden. I mistakenly thought there would be time to reconnect as we had not been in touch since Josh's death.

My friend has lived a long life - full of love. Love from husband, children, grandchildren and friends. She lived life to the full and with great gusto. She traveled extensively - listening to her itineraries would leave me exhausted! I can't imagine her having any regrets except that she's left her loved ones without warning.

My journal has become my confident. I write what I am thinking and feeling - just to get things out. This is what I wrote on hearing of her passing:

She has passed away! I can't believe she is gone! So fast! Her poor family: husband, daughter and sons. How tragic to be so sudden but maybe she was spared tremendous suffering. Maybe this is God's mercy. Poor, poor family! I hope she is able to be with Josh. It comforts me to think they may be together.

I am no stranger to death now. To what it means - the catastrophic impact to your family and to what you know to be true, real or tangible. How thin the line is between life and death - literally seconds or a few minutes. One minute - alive. The other minute - gone. And so final, irreversible, undo-overable. Cannot take it back. Cannot push replay. This is what is so difficult about death - the fact that it is FINAL. Cannot change. Powerless. Neither fame, earthly power or money can undo death.

When enough happens to shut down critical bodily functions, whether by illness, accident, old age or violence, and the line is crossed, death has arrived. Life has gone. Evidence of life is gone - no breathing, no movement, no pulse, no reaction, no response. A stiffness - so unnatural to see a body with no life. Empty. A shell. No energy. Nothing happening on a micro or macro level. Quiet. Still. Gone. Absent. And eventually taken out in a black body bag, put on a gurney and into a waiting van for a final trip to the morgue.

And that was the last time I saw and touched my beloved Josh.

It will be two years in March, and I can still vividly remember the morning I found him. I try not to think about it very much but occasionally I do. It is like a bad dream, except I know it is not. It happened. And when I go and make my weekly visit to his grave site tomorrow and see the stone with his name, date of birth and date of death, I will know, once again, that this is my reality.

God Bless

New Year's Eve - December 31, 2010

Reflecting on 2010, the images that flash through my mind center around Josh:

• celebrating his 18th birthday on Jan 16th
• the 1 year death anniversary on March 18th
• half/full marathon fundraiser on March 20th

Then I think of what should be memories but are not:

• high school graduation
• going to college

And what he has missed out on:

• kayaking on the Battenkill River in Vermont during a torrential downpour
• watching Avatar in 3-D on an IMAX screen
• learning how to ski

It is strange that I find his absence exponentially more profound than his presence. While alive, he just was. The baby of the family, always there, tagging along, interspersing our family conversations with his wiseguy comments or observations. Low-maintenance except in the mornings when it would take way too much energy to get him up and going. Otherwise, a quiet boy, easy going and willing to go along with anything.
I am glad for all the memories with family and friends in 2010 but as a mother, there is a corresponding emptiness that exists because Josh is not part of them. And he is not part of them because he is no longer with us. And he is no longer with us because he took his life. It is like a funnel - eventually all thoughts lead to that fact. Then comes the grief and sadness. It is inescapable.
I've had some strange dreams lately. Last night, I dreamt that I was at a memorial for Josh that was organized by a good friend. While presenting a gift to me, she began crying which made me cry. This happened right before the alarm went off so I woke up to tears on my face. Missing Josh. Tears while awake. Tears while asleep. Endless supply of tears - for Josh.
I was with my family for New Year's Eve. My mom bought clear balloons with silver snowflakes and after writing messages on them, we sent them up to the sky as a way of remembering our beloved son, grandson and nephew.

Rest in peace, Josh. We love and miss you so much.

God Bless

Merry Christmas Josh - December 25, 2010

Christmas letter to my deceased son....

Good morning Josh - Merry Christmas! We are here with family and I can't help thinking about where you'd be or what you'd be doing if here. Would you be sleeping on the window seat in your Big Boppa's office or with Tyler and Emily in the other home? And at dinner last night, would you have been at the TV tray or at the table because you are bigger?

Gillian got out the stockings to bring with us. I can't remember yours - I wish I could. Your picture is on the tree - so sad. But I am glad it is there.

I'm sorry you are not here with us.
I am sorry I wasn't there for you.
I am sorry that I didn't do enough for you.
I am sorry that your solution was self-destruction.

I miss you.
I love you.

Mom xxoo

God Bless

21 Months Later - 12/18/2010

Today is December 18th, twenty-one months after Josh's passing and one week until Christmas. Since we are traveling for the holidays, there is no tree. Only two wreaths on the door and a single candle in Josh's bedroom window - in memory of his life.

I have, however, decorated Josh's grave site with a wreath and his tree with ornaments and red bows.

I want to close this post with a poem I found which is about how a grieving person comes to choose life.

The Thing Is by Ellen Bass

The thing is.....

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you take life like a face

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes,

and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

God Bless

New definitions: Impulsiveness and Sadness

In mid October, our local library held their annual used book sale. Hardback books were $2 and almost all paperbacks were 50 cents. Very dangerous for someone whose love of books and desire to read has been rekindled in the wake of Josh's death. I came home with two big shopping bags of books and spent less than $25.

In most of the books I've read, "post-Josh", regardless of genre, storyline or author, something hits me. The Reader, by Bernhard Schlink was no exception. In it, I have a new way of looking at impulsiveness and sadness.

Written in the first person, the protagonist, Michael Berg looks back to a life changing event, and cannot determine why he acted the way he did.

I don't know why I did it. Often enough in my life I have done things I had not decided to do. Something - whatever that may be - goes into action; "it" goes to the woman I don't want to see anymore, "it" makes the remark to the boss that costs me my head, "it" keeps on smoking although I have decided to quit, and then quits smoking just when I've accepted the fact that I'm a smoker and always will be. I don't mean to say that thinking and reaching decisions have no influence on behavior. But behavior does not merely enact whatever has already been thought through and decided. It has its own sources, and is my behavior, quite independently, just as my thoughts are my thoughts, and my decisions my decisions (my emphasis).

Those of us with children have asked the question, "why did you do it?" many times and have heard the somewhat annoying answer, "I don't know". The quote above describes this common phenomenon and puts forth the idea that behavior is not always linked to thought or decisions and in fact, can be it's own entity and completely independent. A scary thought. Penned in the margin of my book is "definition of impulsiveness?" for isn't that what it means? That sometimes we do or say something without thinking or making a rational, conscious decision and afterwards, think, "why did I just do (or say) that?" But by then, it's too late. The deed is done.

Is this what happened to Josh that dark night? An impulsive act that was not grounded in thought and conscious decision? Behavior that ran amuck and did "it's" own thing, resulting in the most horrific consequence - his death? Now it is my turn to say, "I don't know."

In another chapter, Michael looks back to a happy time of his life, but because of events that happened since, rather then feeling happy in his memories, he only feels profound sadness.

Why? Why does what was beautiful suddenly shatter in hindsight because it concealed dark truths? Why does the memory of years of happy marriage turn to gall when our partner is revealed to have had a lover all those years? Because such a situation makes it impossible to be happy? But we were happy! Sometimes the memory of happiness cannot stay true because it ended unhappily.....Is this what sadness is all about? Is it what comes over us when beautiful memories shatter in hindsight because the remembered happiness fed not just on actual circumstances but on a promise that was not kept?

I wrote in the book margin: "promise of an intact family" for this was taken away in the never-to-be-forgotten moment when I found Josh's body.

My journal entry: "My memories have been re-ignited with the photo scanning project. All significant days in Josh's short life have been recorded and seeing them again, re-living the events has only heightened the pain. But I don't regret the project. I want to remember. These memories now serve to keep him alive. It doesn't make me "happy" and so I agree with this quote. Some well-meaning people have said things like, "just think of the good times" or "hold onto the good memories" as a way to get past the pain and grief, but it doesn't work, at least for me. There might be a time, in the far distant future, when my memories of Josh will bring joy. Right now, that is not the case. They only serve to remind me of the unkept promise.

God Bless

Thanksgiving 2010

Our second Thanksgiving without Josh has passed. Incrementally easier than last year. Lauren and Gillian came home so along with my parents and brother, there were seven of us at the table. A week ago I confessed to Tim that having no motivation to shop and cook, I'd rather order a turkey and ham meal from Safeway. He promised help from himself and the girls and so we did sit down to a home-cooked meal, one of the tastiest. Not over cooking the turkey and taking the extra step to make stuffing from scratch were the keys. As we were eating I did, of course, think of Josh along with his older brother who could not be with us and how they both would've had several helpings of the stuffing, one of their favorite sides.

As the day approached, I tried to think back to the last Thanksgiving we had with Josh, in 2008. Unfortunately, I don't remember that much, just snippets, probably because we did not do anything that memorable. Now I know that whenever family gathers, we should take advantage of the time to build new memories. And so yesterday, after being stuffed with drink, food and desserts, we cleared the table and played Taboo and Euchre. Then joined thousands of other crazy people who went to Tysons Mall at midnight. Definitely a memorable experience - through probably not one to repeat next year.

My journal has become a place of self-exortation.

Sue - look at it (Thanksgiving) differently. It is the being together that is most important. The food, etc will get done. Just be happy that family (sans Josh) will be together. Make new memories. Be in the moment. Share love. Give love. Don't be focused on the "to do's". Be focused on family. Be engaged. Be thankful that we will be together.

"Post Josh", I do have a greater awareness that any holiday could be the last. On the one hand I admit that this is a morbid and depressing thought. But had I been more aware in 08, there would be more vivid memories of the last Thanksgiving with our beloved Josh. I want to avoid having this type of regret in the future.

Hope everyone is having a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and friends.

God Bless

20 Months - November 18, 2010

Time is flying by - how can it be 20 months since Josh has died? It still is unbelievable to me and the same questions swirl in my head. How can this be? What happened? Why him? Why our family? Why didn't he say something? What could I have done?

My post today comes from a journal that I bring when visiting Josh. In it, I write letters to him. The one I am sharing comes from two days after my birthday, which was a sad and emotional day.

Dear Josh,
It is sunny and warm in the sun. I have made the usual run to Safeway. I like the sunflowers as they last over a week. The ones from two weeks ago are done - many of the petals have fallen off. The rest I have put on the grass - bright yellow petals marking where you lay - your final resting place.

The wind brushes across my cheeks and lifts the pages as I write. Chimes sing softly, harmonizing with each other above the drone of mowers in distant parts. Brittle leaves rustle in the wind, making their own distinctive sound. Their last stand before falling to the ground in days to come. It is a different sound than in spring or summer, at the height and fullness of life. I look up and see one leaf loosen its hold and with the wind, fall gently to the ground, scattering haphazardly on the grave sites below. A leaf would have to travel a good distance to land on your site.

It is quite and peaceful here. On the one hand, it is what I prefer. On the other, I wonder where are the living of all the dead around you? I guess over time, visits cease. Will I be able to stop coming? Right now, it is routine. I don't even think while driving - the car knows where to go.

It's been a rough couple of days, Josh. Started on my birthday. I wrote in my journal and all I could think about was the fact that you weren't here. The impact of this horrible reality hit me anew - too much, too sad. I don't want to be getting older, "celebrating" another year of life while you are dead. It hits me again how unnatural it is that you have predeceased me! Never expected! Never imagined!

Yesterday was hard too. I worked on the Halloween slide show for the blog and seeing all the pictures of you, so cute and adorable, with family and friends. Seemingly happy. You did have a happy childhood, didn't you? While working on this, I got sadder and sadder. I could feel my heart breaking inside and it became hard to breathe. Grief is so painful, Josh. It physically hurts.

At 17, your life is done. It makes me so mad I want to hit something, over and over. But there is nothing I can do. No remedy. No fixing. No going back. You've done something to yourself and ultimately to our family that is irreversible. I don't think you knew because if you did, how could you go through with it? No, I have to think that it was extremely impulsive and you were not yourself. I wish you did something that would've indicated your state of mind without being fatal.

Death is final Josh!
Silly boy.
But loved and missed by me and EVERYONE.

Love,
Mom

God Bless

Halloween Pics

A slide show of Halloween pictures of Josh with family and friends.

I would give anything to turn back time and have my Josh back home.

God Bless

19 Months Later - October 18, 2010

I have just started reading two books: Beyond Tears: Living After Losing a Child by Ellen Mitchell and When the Bough Breaks: Forever After the Death of a Son or Daughter by Judith Bernstein.

The book by Mitchell compiles thoughts and quotes from nine women who have lost their children; the youngest was 16 years old and the oldest was 28. Bernstein lost her 26 year old son in 1987 to cancer. She did not find the kind of support books that exist today so she set out to write one - interviewing 55 people who had lost a child at least 3 years old and had been gone at least 5 years at the time of the interview.

It helps me to read these books - like dropping in on a support group at will. If there is a story that does not help, I can skip it. If it is too much, the book is put down for a later date. If something hits home, I can underline, highlight, dog-ear the page and write in my journal until thoughts and feelings are analyzed and exhausted.

It helps but it is not easy. As Bernstein says:

No one ever taught us how to mourn, how to deal with the intense emotions, the isolation, the chaotic thoughts, the dizzying ups and downs. No one gets an instruction book about how to deal emotionally with the death of any loved one, let alone the death of one's child; it's too unthinkable. Mourners are in turbulent, unchartered waters without a guide (5).

And because grief and mourning is very specific to the individual, (i.e. what helps me may not help someone else), you are on your own, even in spite of tremendous support from family, friends, or professional counselors. The grief journey can only be traveled by the individual mourner, one step at a time, one day at a time. There is no proxy. I cannot pay someone to travel in my stead. I could possibly deny or postpone the journey but in time, it will be forced upon me.

After nineteen months, I am, of course, still on this journey. The crushing, heart-breaking and relentless grief experienced in the first months after Josh's death has given way to another grief. Mitchell calls it "shadow grief". A good analogy. Always there, though not always seen.

I wanted to share a quote from her book that I have been thinking about lately.

When your children are here, you tend to take them from granted. When they are gone you think of them twenty-four hours a day.

So true. While I think about my other three children daily, Josh is present 24/7 and his death colors my life like a lens through which all experiences pass. For example, I think about him during my reading, no matter the book, genre or subject matter. A recent example will illustrate.

Through convoluted means, which I don't mean to get into now, but could be another post entitled something like "Grief Journey Creates Reading Journey", I bought and read T.H. White's classic, The Once and Future King and loved it. The book is a wonderful story of the Arthurian legend: the boy who pulls the sword from the stone and becomes King, Merlyn, Lancelot, the Knights of the Round Table, Camelot, Queen Guenever and the Quest of the Holy Grail. But how can anything written in the years between 1938-1941 have anything to do with Josh, you ask?

In another post, I wrote about Josh's special connection with dogs. The following passage made me think of him and what would be his dream job.

In Sir Ector's kennel there was a special boy, called the Dog Boy, who lived with the hounds day and night. He was a sort of head hound, and it was his business to take them out every day for walks, to pull thorns out of their feet, keep cankers out of their ears, bind the smaller bones that got dislocated, dose them for worms, isolate and nurse them in distemper, arbitrate in their quarrels and to sleep curled up among them at night. He would talk to them, not in baby talk like a maiden lady, but correctly in their own growls and barks. They all loved him very much, and revered him for taking thorns out of their toes, and came to him with their troubles at once. He always understood immediately what was wrong, and generally he could put it right. It was nice for the dogs to have their god with them, in visible form.

Another passage, describing Sir Lancelot's view of himself was more sobering.

There was an impediment of his nature. In the secret parts of his peculiar brain, those unhappy and inextricable tangles which he felt at the roots, the boy was disabled by something which we cannot explain. He could not have explained either. He hated himself. The best knight in the world: everybody envied the self-esteem that must surely be his. But Lancelot never believed he was good or nice. Under...there was shame and self-loathing.....

I circled this passage after reading and wrote, "was this Josh?" Maybe not what he felt for most of his life, but what about those last days? What about the last hours? He needed to get rid of a problem. What if he thought the problem was himself? Trying to understand his suicidal mindset is futile, I know, but I still ask.

And so I continue to muddle through my days - reading, thinking and writing - with "shadow grief" attached.

God Bless

Pictures of Josh - 12 Years Old

As I was thinking about what to write on Josh's blog today, it occurred to me that it has been a while since I posted a slide show of photos. The last one was three months ago and was from 2003 when he was 11 years old.

Going into my analytical mode I ask myself, "Why is that?" The pictures have been scanned for months and have been sitting in my computer, waiting to be uploaded to Picasa, and then the blog. I did not consciously delay action so it must have been subconscious. Yes, this makes sense. I am running out of years that Josh is alive. He died when he was 17 years old, so each slide show that I create and post brings me closer to the end. Words can't express how sad this makes me feel.

RIP Josh. We love and miss you.

God Bless

Why So Many Suicides?

The number of teens and young adults who have taken their lives in recent weeks is both horrifying and frightening:

25 year old LPGA player
23 year old NFL player
College football player
Northern Virginia high school senior football player
Another kid from the same high school
Third kid with ties to the same high school in a span of two weeks
Four suicides at Fort Hood over 3 days
18 year old Rutgers student

And these are one who have been in the media. How many others are gone - leaving devastation and incomprehensible sorrow and grief for family and friends?

And while the possible reasons vary, the end result is the same.

Although not all are adolescents, I am reminded of a quote from a book, published in 2006 called, By Their Own Young Hand: Deliberate Self-Harm and Suicidal Ideas in Adolescents by Keith Hawton and Karen Rodham, two researchers in England. (See blog post for more thoughts on this book.)

One might regard the extent of self-harm and suicidal behavior by young people in a society as reflecting the extent to which that society cares for and cherishes its young people. Levels of self-harm and suicidal behaviors are far higher in young people in many societies than they were three or four decades ago. There has been much debate about the reason for this. One obvious but important conclusion is that the problem of self-harm and suicidal behavior among adolescents needs to be fully recognized within society. If there is adequate recognition of this problem, then this should lead to prioritization of efforts to understand more about it, to develop preventative initiatives, to ensure that adequate clinical services for adolescents are available, attractive and staffed by knowledgeable individuals, to support helplines for adolescents in need, and to address issues and threats posed by the Internet and other aspects of the media" (pg 193).

Are we a society that "cares for and cherishes its young people"?

Are we recognizing there is even a problem? That our young people are at risk from within - from themselves? That suicidal thoughts and actions are not limited to those with a history of depression, but is now a valid option for a vulnerable mind when encountering a problem that appears to be insurmountable? So in actual fact, this tragedy could happen to any family?

Can more be done to raise public awareness and provide education on mental health and well-being? Should there be greater focus and study on the pressures and issues that are unique to a generation which has grown up with the technological advances experienced in the last two decades? Are there viable and easily accessible support options available in times of distress? Can we lessen the "suicide" stigma so that those in need are not afraid to ask for help?

To the best of our knowledge, our son did not share his fatal thoughts with anyone, however fleeting or consuming they were. So for him and probably many others, the first and perhaps only line of defense resides from within.

I am not sure of everything that could or should be done. All I know is that we have joined a rapidly growing group of families, surviving this needless, senseless and preventable act, committed by our loved one.

Josh and all of these others had their whole lives ahead of them. The increasing number of suicides in this country needs to be stemmed and reversed for as we are so painfully aware, it is literally an issue of life or death.

God Bless