It has been a good decision as it helps to be in different surroundings. I have been taking a walk on the beach daily, at which time I prayed to God for his comfort and strength, and I remember Josh. The conversation here has been about everything except for our loss. This has been a welcome relief from thinking and talking about it 24/7 while at home.
Ever since we received the "sign" from Josh, (please see the Easter Sunday post to understand), I have felt more at peace. Unfortunately, this feeling of peace is not something that stays in my heart. It is more like the wind - blowing in and out.
On one of my walks, peace was elusive. My mind was filled with thoughts of blame: why didn't I make sure he did not mess up again, why didn't I talk to him more, why didn't I know that he was capable of suicide? I was getting quite agitated and going down the depths of despair when in my head, as clear as day came the words, "Chill, Mom." This is exactly what Josh would've said to me when I got worked up or went on and on about something. This was a bit freaky - does the spirit of someone who is no longer here on earth speak to us? I am not sure, but my mind did calm down after that.
Generally speaking, I think I was doing fairly well - until last night. For some reason, it hit me again like a ton of bricks. I was re-living the entire tragedy all over again. The question "Why? Why? Why?" was echoing in my head. The picture that I had brought of Josh became too painful to look at. I can't even describe the depths of the anguish, pain and grief that overcame me - it literally felt like my heart was broken - again. Thankfully, after awhile, I slept and awoke to the most beautiful morning.
We have an audio CD of Josh's funeral service that Tim has listened to, but I have not - until this morning at the beach. Because I had been feeling really sad the night before, I debated on whether or not to do this. I am glad I did. There was not a cloud in the sky and while the gentle waves were lapping over my feet, I listened to the beautiful service for our son while looking out at the ocean. The beach was virtually empty which was good as no one could hear my unchecked sobs.
I was reminded of all the songs, scripture readings, sharing done by friends and family and of the sermon (please scroll down the blog to "Memorial Service Sharing" to read what was shared). This is what helped me today. To remember that "why" does not have an answer, but "how" does. How will I get through this? How can I move forward? How can I keep living when I feel like a part of me has died? The answer is by faith.
- Faith to believe that God is "close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Ps. 34:18
- Faith to believe that with the continued love and support of friends and family, we can get through this.
- Ultimately, faith to believe that by the grace of God, things will get better.