Today was the first time that I went to Josh's grave site by myself. I took my journal and this is what I wrote.....
I am sitting in the shade of a bit tree by your gravesite as it is quite warm today - the first really warm weekend of the year. There is a slight breeze and I hear your wind chimes gently sing. Last week, Grandma put a butterfly wind chime in "your" tree. I found a Langely Saxon lanyard in your room which I placed today. The trees are blooming - especially the bright pink dogwood. It is really beautiful here.
Gillian came home last night - she is finding it hard to be at school where everyone carries on as normal, despite her whole world being turned upside down in the last 5 weeks. We had a long talk about her future - whether she would take a semester off, or even go back to UVA or transfer elsewhere. The bottom line is that we want her to do what is best for her.
We felt the same way about you. Why couldn't you have talked to us about all of your feelings regarding your future - we would've listened and worked to figure out a solution for you. And if you couldn't have talked to us, why didn't you talk to someone else? So many people cared for you and would have listened.
Maybe you tried to and it was just too hard. Or maybe you didn't even know how to articulate all of the feelings you had. One of the hardest things for me is to think that you were suffering so much in your heart and mind by yourself - all alone. And that sometime, taking your life presented itself as a viable option and, in the end, became the only and right option for you.
I am having a very hard time understanding this as there is no way that I felt there were no options left. Yes, maybe things might have been a bit tougher or maybe there would be a few more obstacles to overcome, but your life was not at a dead end.
I only wish that Dad and I could have conveyed this to you more concretely so that even if you didn't have your own faith in the future, you could have lived off of ours until yours took root.
But now, it is too late as I write this with tears dropping on the page of my journal. For whatever reason, you did not reach out for the help that was there. Or we did not open our eyes enough to see the signs that you might have been giving off.
I only hope and pray with all of my heart that you are in a better place - where you can watch over all whom you love - and be at peace.
Farewell my beloved son,